In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. Robert Frost

This has been one trying week.
Since starting my job last April, I have never really felt comfortable in this position. It is not because of the people, I work with some of the greatest people. It is not the work itself, I feel as though I am intelligent and experienced enough for the job.
Thing is, I have not once, since my first day, felt as though I knew my place. I didnt know what was expected of me. I did what I already knew to do.. like a numb mesmerizing trance from my past jobs. I have not felt as though I was giving what I could but I didnt know what I should be accomplishing.

I am an engineer. We create medical products, catheters to be exact. I had not been given any clear cut projects yet, supporting the other engineers. And I did it well but I felt lost.

Even in my interview we discussed a lot of my experience and my expertise. The management nodding and uh huh-ing and seemed impressed.
But just as I was uncertain after leaving the interview.... just where I stood, here I was ten months in and still seemed touch and go.

And then, my boss called me in. Who likes to have one of those meetings... I felt like the naughty child sent to the principals office. I was a bit apprehensive walking in to his office. There was a tension in the air.

And then the bomb dropped. He was very dissatisfied with my performance. He was not upset or irritated, rather he seemed a bit sympathetic. But I felt so misunderstood and a little let down.
He asked if the job was overwhelming, if it was too much.

Not at all.


But I must back up a little. Without giving too much personal information here for the blogosphere..
Thing is, this company is as unorganized and uncommunicative as any small company can be. With not more than 15 people in the main office, the place is absolutely a mess.

When hired, I remember they were impressed with my background in organization and efficiency. However, the menial tasks on my plate very day were enough to keep me more than busy.

The pace of the company is also on overdrive. It shouldnt be. Like firemen rushing to put fires out at every turn. I have seen many areas to change, organize, and create efficiency but not only were my hands tied up with busywork, I never felt as though I was given the go ahead to take any such measures.


My boss is busy, has way too much information stored in his noggin that no one else knows. Which can only mean that he is the go-to man. He never has a moments peace to get his own work finished because he is answering so many questions of others. And on top of that he is running back and forth between our sister company and ours.

So- back to our meeting. I was to have a report on his desk by the end of the next week, this week-
I was to create a proposal in order to organize, restructure and create more efficiencies in the company.

He seemed a bit shocked I had not already created a plan before now.

Thing is, not only have they kept me so busy with my own engineering and design duties, but it was never communicated to me that I should be creating such a proposal. In the interview they showed interest. But nowhere in my job description or in any communication was it ever apparent that it was expected.

I left the meeting feeling a little strange. Perplexed. Was it my own misunderstanding? Have I somehow misread their expectations? I was uncertain.

I finished my report today sent it to the boss. I now await his critique. It is a simple plan, but can effective in creating a more efficient and organized company structure.

It was a bit refreshing actually when the meeting ended as I had a chance to speak up about such inefficiencies in the work flow of the company. I am once again busy - busting my ass actually.

Only time will tell if this is the right direction, if my report and my plan is what he sees as a good direction. I am convinced, that if I hear back from him and he is less than impressed, if he thinks that I am not a good fit for this company, then maybe the company is not a good fit for me. I have done my best and I hate to second guess myself. I know that the expectations are not clear to any of my coworkers either.

I only hope that my boss can see the changes I have proposed could potentially free his schedule alone, enough to keep both companies running like smooth silk and getting him home in time for dinner with his wife and kids which is a rare treat for him these days.

It will create time they dont know they have. And the money! Paying the amount of overtime, I dont know how we make enough to stay in business.

Also since starting in this position I have yet to take a day of vacation. The stress of the job, the inefficiencies and overtime put in, the late nights spent awake watching reel of the movie of the job playing out behind my closed eyelids. (Where do you think all of the ideas in my report came from?)
This can go one of two ways,

He likes my proposal: I get my chance to make some changes that will make the entire company more efficient, and less stressed. Making it possible for many coworkers to make it home before the sun goes down and the possibility of more satisfied customers and more work. Which will be welcome in a new more efficient atmosphere.

or

He doesn't like my proposal: And I find myself my own freedom and efficiency in another company.

I honestly hope that he is satisfied. It is the waiting game that is the hardest. I dont want to change jobs again, but I am not enjoying being in such a stress filled and disorganized environment. I would welcome the opportunity to stay and make it better for a lot of people.

What I need is a stress buster.

I dont know what direction this will take in the next couple weeks, however, there is relief in sight.

If you happen to notice the beautiful scenery at the top of my blog.. just below the beautiful 'local' scenery.. I am about to embark on my very first cruise. In my forty years on this earth I have never crossed the US borders. (well there was one trip to Tijuana but that doesnt count does it?)

My wonderful parents are celebrating their 45th anniversary and are durn crazy enough to want to spend it with their two daughters and all of our offspring. I only wish my son was home and able to come.

Save me a spot and a margarita on a sandy white beach in the sun far far from here.

I have the best parents in the world.

Sure cant wait to get my toes in the sand, out of the stress, the weather and the sickness surrounding me right now.