I've always been an independent person, but that independence was in the setting of security. Patricia Heaton

A little over a week has passed since her first day in a new school. A school which to an eighteen year old looks as gigantic and daunting as that grade school did to the tiny five year old.

And yet the excitement and energy of independence is flowing through her veins as they did some thirteen years ago.

Of my three, she is the child most self-assured. The last of my three babies, the one I hoped to hold the longest was the one who didn't like to be coddled. Wiggle and squirm, until set loose.



Her first episode of autonomy at the young age of six. Bent stick in hand, a bandanna tied to the tip. weighed down by its contents: a change of shirt, underwear, a stuffed animal from the fair, and a can of peas. She stated she was leaving. Brought on by the insistence of a clean room.

She made it as far as one trip around the subdivision block. Home in tears.

Her first day of elementary school, was not to be shared. Not only was I working and she in daycare, she did not need me there. She was all grown up and didn't want the kids to think she couldn't go it alone.

And now, she is a little further than that.

She is independent, she is strong, she is oozing will power and self-determination. And yet-------

She has called nearly every day.

Not because she needs me. She is faring well.

She calls because she wants to share this new step in her life with me.

Among the teasing of her room-mates, about calling home. She calls to share her experience with her best friend. The friend who has been with her and behind her every step of her life. Her mother.

The older she got, the more she cuddled. It could have been the divorce, or just life's challenges but she never lost her autonomy.

I feel blessed. My children turned out ok. I feel proud, they are all upstanding adults. And I feel humbled, they all converse with me on a regular basis- Because they want me to be a part of it all.

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. ~Ashleigh Brilliant

I come from a very close knit family. My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and sister were always within a short drive. Many holidays were spent with large groups of extended family from summer picnics to Christmas Eve dinners. I have passed this on to my own children and attempt to keep the family tight for them

However, after losing my maternal grandmother while in her forties, very near the age I am now. And also the loss of my paternal Grandfather who committed suicide in his fifties and before I entered this world, leaves empty emotions and questions about those relatives I barely knew.

As I get older and my children are turning into adults themselves, I've become more curious about the past I know little about. I am the youngest child of two and don't remember a lot of the things my sister is old enough to remember. Both of my parents have wonderful memories in grand detail.

It is rare that we are out with my mother, sometimes in cities far from home when my mother doesn't see someone she knows. Is it because she knows a lot of people? Perhaps, she is a very sweet socialite. Or is it that she just remembers better? When our memories do not grasp the past as well as we would like, do we walk right past those we know from our past not realizing? I believe there is some truth to that. My mother seems to be in tune with those from her past.

I find myself asking my parents a lot more about the past. I find myself more curious about where I came from. I lost my paternal grandmother when I was still young. Pregnant with my second child at her funeral I was just 20. Busy with my life as a new bride, husband overseas serving in Desert Storm. I had plenty going on and way too young to care or take the time to ask about my grandmothers youth. And now I wish I had.

My grandparents and my parents are luckily slight hoarders. They don't like to throw away memories. And I love them for it. Between my mothers mothers hope chest full of memories, my dads moms hope chest and so many other boxes filled with pictures and letters encapsulating the past. I have much to learn.

A few years ago my parents moved from the house of my youth. We cleared, packed, sorted, and moved 20+ years worth of stuff. In the back recesses of their basement were boxes from my grandmothers house. Old memories perhaps too packed with emotion to be sorted at the time of her death.

In one of the boxes, hidden buried in some old dance cards, photographs and report cards were two small leather bound treasures. One a tiny ring binder no larger than a wallet, my grandfathers journal. The other a small leather diary complete with locking clasp. My grandmothers journal.

I have read them once before, just after my parents move. Each ends with a proposal and a marriage. The coming together of my own paternal grandparents. A glimpse into their dating and falling in love.

On our last trip south to drop off my youngest at school, I picked up the journals once again from my dad. I am reading them again. I am recording them into digital format so that I may share with other family more easily. I also found some old letters. A small glimpse into my own fathers youth.

I am more and more curious. I hope to get a lot of information in the near future. While it is still available.
I live in a Genealogically rich state. There is access to research already completed for me. But there is more to family than dates of birth or death. There is more to my heritage than who we came from but who those people WERE that we came from.
I hope I can answer some questions and discover more about those who came before me.
I am excited to live a little in the past, learn from it and pass it on to my own children.

Mother's Day

Two weeks ago was the happiest moment of my year! We picked my son up at the airport after an 8 month tour in Iraq. Prior to that, he had been stationed in Kansas and we had not seen him since last January.

We have had a lot of fun with him, his girlfriend, and all of the extended friends and family who have stayed with us over the past two weeks.

But all things come to an end. This morning, Mother's Day, we drove him to the airport for his 6am departure. I am sure it was the 4am alarm, but I got quite emotional. More so than the first time we sent him. I thought it would get easier but it doesn't. I did get to spend a short amount of time with all three of my kids this morning. And I cherish it deeply.

Please let this war end soon, and peacefully. Please bring my son home safe. This is my Mother's Day wish.

But we did cram a lot of fun into two weeks time. Bowling, arcades, visitors, my parents tango dance in a spoof on Dancing with the stars, board games, go-carts, mini golf, food- lots of food, a Jr. Prom, A 19th birthday, Two 3D movie events, and even a little kite flying.

Also I would like to send out a Happy Mother's Day to my own mama, whom I adore, and cherish and miss terribly (she is not gone, just further away than I can see in a short trip).  A wonderful Mother's Day wish for all the mothers who read this blog, and the single mothers who may not have anyone to spoil them today. Take a moment for yourself, a bubble bath, reading a book or cooking your own favorite dish for dinner.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

September 2009- Autumn's dawn

What a month this has been....
I am ready to move on and leave this month behind me.
I have rather been anticipating unlike most friends my age, the anniversary of my fourth decade on this earth.

This past Sunday Sept 26th, I turned the wonderful age of 40. I think forty is a good point in life. My children are all but grown. I have finally finished up my night school after eight years tiring and long nights. My health is good. Let's not count the common cold which always hits this time of year not the few extra pounds I tend to gain over the winter months each year.

I was not prepared for the events leading up to that day however... I have had better days.

The month began when my transmission in my only car began to act up. The car, which is a 2001 model looks great, and is still on loan. However it has just turned over 166,000 miles and well, we take a lot of road trips. After having it looked at by a friend of a friend who made some adjustments in order to buy me some time. The car ran well again.

Until the 9th of this month a day I will never forget. That was the day my car began to really act up, that was the day which caused me to spend weeks getting my affairs back in order, and that was the day I lost my sense of security.
Following the burglary,many days were spent cleaning up the mess, getting my money back, and getting back to a point I could attempt to come up with a game plan to fix not only the car but some other much needed house repairs.
The car was making the same noises but still driving well. At the advice of friends, driving on borrowed time. My son being in Iraq in its own way is a lucky break in such that we had on extra car available. I let my daughter drive the 'limping' car to work and I drove my sons. Until I received a call that it had stalled on her.

We are now, sharing a car and I wake an hour or two early in order to get her to work and for now, she gets a ride home. Closer to my birthday I figured nothing else could go wrong and began to get excited again. My best friend and I were planning a great party with many people I have not seen in a long time.
Two days before the party - the actual date of my birthday- I came down with a horrible head cold. Everyone it seemed at work was sick, my daughter was sick... I really needed this party, I really needed this time with friends in order to keep my spirits up.
I managed to sway the cold away just hours before the party. Things were looking up again. Many guests RSVP'd that they would not be able to make the party for varying reasons. Sickness, other plans, out of town, among other reasons. But with a list 77 people long, I couldnt wait.

My best friend (the host) and I arrived right on time. We had a great celebration although... as MY luck would have it, only a handful, 7 people were in attendance.
Of course I dont need a big crowd to have a great time, and I know that the lack of attendance had no bearing on how close the friendships of those guests are. But the way that my month had been so far, made it a bit of a bummer.
But I love my friends, and I love my life, and although over the past 14 or so years, life has been much harder than it has been easy. I would not trade my life.
I am just hoping.... that the broken down car in my yard gets fixed soon without putting me in the poor house. that the rotting roof of my house gets replaced before it begins to leak and turns into a bigger problem. I hope that this month. This September 2009. This autumn of the median of my life, begins to change, that the colors turn that things begin to come my way.
Just this once.
(As I sit here to type this, I am home sick from work- it is back)

My middle child, the emotionally connected one of the three graduated the last week of may. Just a mere two weeks after turning 18.

I am so proud of the young woman she has become. Beautiful inside and out. She has high aspirations of becoming a pediatrician. She is not only really great at her studies, and has already earned her EMT license while attending high school. But she also has a natural re pore with children, and also with children and adults with disabilities. They are just drawn to her.

She makes friends pretty easily and once she makes friends, she is a friend for life.

She signed up for a summer job working for my cousins company which was to start immediately after school was out. It was a good opportunity to get some sales experience, to get some experience solo, away from mom and structure. And it was also a great opportunity to make a lot of money in a short amount of time which would go a long way paying for medical school rather than loans. ( one of the drawbacks of being the child of a single mother with limited funds).
She was lucky enough to get a week of break before leaving for the summer job.


Using every hour of the time crammed with friends and activity. BBQ's, Picnics, Hiking to the waterfalls, movies and just plain hanging out.

She is lucky to have so many friends. But this is who she is!

As I wrote in my last post, the first couple days she spent in the state of Texas were really tough. I am sure it was a mixture of missing friends and missing out on her first summer of adulthood. But also the shell-shock of being away from home and all of its security and routine.

I have not heard from her in a couple days and the last thing I did hear was that she was doing well and had made some friends.

I take this as a good sign.

I don't know if she will make it through September, but I am so glad that she is no longer miserable. Sigh of relief.

As for me!? It is still tough. Hard to let your babies grow up. My son will be home in a couple weeks and we will get a couple weeks with him before he is gone again. In September, the same month my daughter arrives home (assuming she makes it the full term of the contract) my son will be headed to Iraq.

In my whole life I have not moved more than 13 miles from my childhood home. I am not good with change, I'm not very good with not being a stones throw from those I love. But I am learning. First with my parents move. Then my son leaving home.

And now my daughter.


And it really wont be too long before my baby leaves the nest.

She is the one I want to hold on to the most. No one wants their baby to grow up! Well, leave then nest anyway! And she is the one who has wanted to spread her wings the longest.

Growing up is tough. And on my teenage daughter too.

The night after my daughter arrived in Texas, after our long rough day getting her there, she had an even harder night. When she arrived, the bulk of the group was still out selling and she waited at the apartment of one of the girlfriends.
This was not so bad even though she did not know the woman. Later that night her boss invited her to play volleyball with the guys but my daughter was a bit intimidated by the twenty or so men who were all in their mid twenties. So she watched.
She was shown to what would be her apartment with one other girl, but one who had been fired or quit the day before was still there. Three girls is never a good number. They did their thing and she did hers.
She really felt like a fish out of water, everyone in their 20’s and she only barely 18. My own first cousin was there. He as well as a few of the workers had girlfriends’ to occupy their time.
She text me and said she wasn’t expecting to have fun there and she knew it would be hard work but that it really was not what she was expecting. She did not like it there. – Can’t say I blame her.
Her first day on the job was made worse when she climbed into the boss’s car which was to take them to the neighborhood where she would shadow him until she got the hang of selling on her own. She climbed in the front next to him and the others filed into the back…except the bosses daughter... in a fit of rage she made it clear she hated the back seat. And although the boss, her boyfriend said it was not that big of a deal, it certainly made my daughter feel horrible.
There are always growing pains, at a new job. I know too well having recently started a new job. However, of all the jobs I have held in my life, not once did I spend more than a day before someone asked me how I was catching on and if they could assist me in learning the ropes…
And her was my baby, freshly 18, 1300 miles from the only home she has known. In an apartment with nothing but a bed, crying. Telling me she wants to come home and absolutely nothing I can do about it! That is tough on a Mother! I have been in her shoes! I am turning 40 this year and I still get homesick.

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?” - 'The Wonder Years' (1988)

It has to be a shock. To go from a house, with a stocked refrigerator, washing machine, Television, friends down the street, and all the other ‘perks’ to completely dependent on a ride to the store, no one to talk to except calling the home you wish you were at….
My daughter is not spoiled, she is a darn hard worker, she is just scared and alone and homesick.
I don’t think she will make it long. We decided that she would finish through the end of the month, see how it goes. (If she comes home early, we are responsible for her travel, and well, that is a lot of money for a single mom). Her brother will be driving home from Kansas the first of the month, we may just have to reroute his trip… I actually think that would be a great time for the two of them if they did make the road trip together.
We will see.

Murphy- what have you done?

As I wrote this post in my head last night, it played out so differently. A long diatribe about the sadness of another baby chick leaving the nest. Tugging at my heartstrings, making me want to hold on and not let her go.
Well, all that is true. So true. However the events of the past 12 hours put all that in a whole new perspective…anyone know Murphy? The guy with the law? The guy who can’t catch a break? Well, you’re lookin’ at him errr her.
People have told me a long time that I could write a book about my life. That it could be a tragedy, a comedy, maybe even a musical! So much seems to happen in my life that is against the grain. Off kilter. A little amiss. Chaos I tell you.

Somehow my world (and my kids, family and friends by association) seems to spin on its own axis. Nothing quite turns out the way it is intended to- ever!
Now, this isn’t always a bad thing. Over the many years I have learned to kind of live with it. Make it work. If you have ever seen the movie Just my Luck In the beginning of the movie, Chris Pine’s character has lived a life of ‘bad luck’. A LOT of bad luck. But he has learned to roll with it, expect it even. And things are great until … in a Freaky Friday kind of lightening flash his luck changes with Lindsay Lohan’ s Character who has only good luck. And she is having a harder time adjusting of course.
I loved that movie and laughed to tears, mostly because I could relate to them in their time of the worst luck. And I know people like their characters in their times of great luck.
Things seem to fall down around me and all I can do is laugh at it. While I see people who cannot possibly know what it is like to be me. I’m not complaining I’m not intending to whine. I love my life and would not possibly have learned the lessons nor had the opportunity to teach my children those same lessons regarding such things as acceptance, tolerance, and appreciation had my life run differently.
So- this leads me to the events which have just taken place in the past 12 hours or so.
My daughter had a 9 am flight this morning to head out of the state for a summer employment opportunity she just couldn’t pass up. It didn’t make it easier that she will be making an obscene amount of money as she is terrified. My children, until my son enlisted in the military, had been on one flight in their entire lives. They flew to see their father who lives in Alaska once when my oldest was about 13 yrs old. They flew ‘solo’ with the help of a very friendly large scale airline and many helpful stewardesses’. This would be her first flight as an adult and alone. She packed the night before and had only the daily essentials to throw in after use. We awoke in plenty of time to get her to the airport the expected hour before take-off. We were girls on a mission… I was doing my best to console her as her nerves were kicking in.
The previous night while on my way home from work, I felt a lot of vibration in the front end of my car. I am as far from ‘car savvy’ as one can be. However, years and years of bad luck with cars… has taught me a thing or two about what can go wrong. The girls and I had to pick up a few last minute things for my travelling daughter, things that we had up until yesterday been able to share, blow dryer, toiletries, etc. While we were out, I decided I had better check the tires as I am aware of some ‘front end work’ that needs to be done when pig’s fly I get my savings built back up after my job-less hiatus. The work I need done is expensive. However without it being done, my tires wear unevenly and quickly. And as I inspected them last night, they were quite worn. All of the local tire shops were closed for the night. As the airport is a good 45 minutes from our house, I was concerned.
A friend of my daughters came over and helped us to change the tire to my spare and much better shape tire. He left, we went in and completed her packing and retired for the evening thinking our problems were solved.
Bright and early this morning, with suitcase in the back, we climbed in to head for the airport. As my daughter ran in to retrieve one last forgotten item, I started the car and rolled a few inches. But the car was not moving. And when I really gave it some power, and it moved, it sounded as if I were dragging an axle or something.
Turns out, the spare tires inner wheel does not fit my car. So, in my heels, dress pants and white shirt, I changed the tire for the second time. And we were on our way. Easy you say… right? Wrong.
A quick stop for some ATM cash and we were lucky enough to get behind a lone woman in her car, slow as a turtle and with too much precision, making an attempt to withdraw from her account, not once, or twice, but three separate transactions. (Weird) and so we waited.
After we completed our own transaction, we pulled back onto the road and on the one road we thought had no construction for the season… road block. There was only one alternate and so we took it, a small neighborhood road which was where they parked all the construction vehicles and we timed it just right that they were firing each one up and maneuvering them past us onto the ‘closed road’.
We again managed to get on the road but decided we had better put a little air into the tire which was very low on tread on the inside of the tire due to bad tire alignment…. I was a little nervous to drive on it the distance that we needed to however there were no tire stores open as early as her flight. We had to chance it. After filling the tire and checking the pressure, we attempted to leave the service station. One side was blocked from the closed road we had already encountered leaving only one side open to the street. We drove around the building and a semi truck was unloading supplies to the store and parked in such a way as to block the entire side of the store… U-turn and we were finally headed to the airport.
Not much else delayed us and we made it to the airport with time to spare for security delays. We got her boarding pass for the first leg of her trip and he suggested that we go ahead to the second airline counter for her second boarding pass to expedite her lay-over ticketing. So we proceeded to the next counter just in time to get behind a group of approx. Fifteen couples headed home to Canada. The airline was doing a great job and they were getting them through as quickly as they could however there were a few ‘speed bumps’. They were all elderly (and a bit hard of hearing), most of them only spoke French, and they clearly had not done this airport thing anymore than we had. With just about fifteen minutes to spare, we got her second boarding pass and directions through the next much larger airport.
She made it through security losing only some sunscreen and lotion. And she was gone. And I felt lonely.
The day continued on... working late to make up the time. Rushing home to get to tires before closing time, gas gage light came on while racing to get home was forced to stop for gas…
I made it to the tire store. Got the tires. Man asked me if I was having a great day because I was smiling..hmm well…. Haha. Because I am preparing to sell my car, I attempted to buy some used tires. None. Got the least expensive they had. But- there was one shining moment. He looked at the price wrong.. Quoted me wrong. Took it upon himself to give me the nicer tires, for cost. About $40 cheaper per tire. Not too bad.
And now- I am tired and if you made it this far- so are you….Boy tomorrow better be roses and sunshine.

Another one becoming an adult

My older daughter turned 18 today. I don't feel old enough to have two kids who are no longer kids.

When I was pregnant with her, I was a young mother of a boy just turning a year himself. I was 22 years old, in my second year of a two year degree in college and my husband was on active duty serving a 5 month stint in Germany for desert storm. By the time May rolled around and she was ready to meet this world he would not be home for another month.

My due date was not for another 7 days, I was due on my mothers birthday and although it would prolong the swollen ankles for another week would have loved to have her on that day. But on the seventh, after showering for my doctors appointment that afternoon my water broke, in a slow leak sort of way (sorry to the squeamish) and I still arrived at my appointment and waited for the doctor to tell me to 'get to the hospital right away' even though i was alone at my appointment.
I was already dilated three sonometers (not sure that is correct?), and feeling no pains what so ever.
My first pregnancy had some complications but the labor pains for me seem to be mild and late coming.
I walked into the hospital doors and checked myself in. I still remember the look on the nurses face as I told them I was in labor. And surly showing no signs.
By the time they had me in a bed, the pains started, my mother and mother in law showed up and less than 45 min. later, she was here.
As a baby, she was a spitfire, her mild mannered brother didn't have a chance with her.
Now she is turning eighteen, and facing her own future and I could not be more proud! not only is she mild mannered but so caring of others, so tender hearted.
Happy Birthday baby!
Although I miss my little girl, I cant wait to see how you tear your own path in this world.