Part three of my story- Then a break.

Going back to school following the birth was not as hard as I had imagined. Even the girls who just didn’t understand my choices were very supportive. It was not difficult to see the babies in the nursery or in their mother’s arms in class. I was ok with this. I had done it.

T and I continued to date. We discussed how different we felt. How immature people our own age seemed to us now. We had experienced something that many adults had not. We survived it. Life went on. 

The teachers at my school created a panel of young mothers. The panel was to speak at some other local schools. Students in the local junior high schools ranging in ages between 12 and 15 would be able to attend a Q&A session with the young mother group. Because my situation was different and uncommon I was asked to be a part of the panel. The teachers approached me a bit apprehensively as they knew my emotions were still near the surface. They knew that it might be hard for me to discuss in front of a group of kids.

However, I was ecstatic. I had made my decision for adoption not for myself but for my child. Some say it was the most unselfish decision. But when asked to speak on the panel all that I could think of was, if I could help just one girl. I would face any ridicule, any embarrassment, and any emotions to do so.
The day of the panel I will admit, I was a bit uneasy. These kids were young, but could be cruel or possibly judgmental I knew. But there could also be a young person in the room, who may be placed in a similar situation and we could be of some help.

Although the other mothers on the panel were all keeping and raising their children, there was a good mix of personal situations. One girl, the youngest in our group was married but had just given birth to her second child. Another was still pregnant but alone, and no longer with the father. Another woman was in her thirties and was returning to school as a mother not necessarily a young one.  We all had something to bring to the group.

The meeting began pretty slowly. After we were each introduced and our individual situations explained, it was open-forum for questions. The kids were shy to ask questions, the panel was mothers quiet waiting for the questions. And then the questions started. Things like:

Why didn’t you use protection?
Where is the father of the baby?
How old are you?
Is child birth painful?
Is it hard to raise a baby?

I didn’t get a question for a while. I think they were afraid to ask. But once the first child asked me if I missed my baby, the questions began to roll. I took up the rest of the hour (unintentionally) answering questions about adoption.

One thing I remember was how mature the questions seemed. Some asked if abortion had crossed our minds. Honest truth is, I think it crosses your mind no matter where you stand on Roe v. Wade. Many things cross your mind when you are in that situation. It is a scary thing. You are thinking of any way out. It would be so easy to ‘make it go away’. Or maybe not. But it sure crosses your mind.

All-in-all I feel that the panel was very rewarding. For the students who learned the hardships that a quick decision can cost you. And also for the young mothers (not much older than the class) to feel a little less judged by their peers. I do not know if they had to have a parents’ permission to attend the panel meeting, but I hoped not. Or that if they did require it, that the parents saw the benefits and allowed their child to attend. I wish we could have met with every girl- and boy in the state.

I have children of my own now. I am very open with them regarding sex. I certainly hope they do not choose to have sex at such a young age as I did. I sat them all three down when my son was about 12, my daughters were 10 and 9 respectively. I told them everything. I explained what they may be seeing on TV. I explained feelings they may feel in their bodies. I also explained how and when it might be appropriate to act on those feelings. We speak openly still. A parent never knows for sure but I certainly hope that I have made it easier for them to come to me if they feel they are going to engage in sex.I may not be able to stop them. My parents couldn't have stopped me. But I can sure help them make better choices.

I feel very strongly about sex education. Whether they learn it in the schools or at home, and even better if they are getting it in both places. I have posted about it before. I have strong feelings because I have been that teen.

I hope that any parent who is reading this can at the very least see sex education from a different viewpoint. Open your mind some to the possibility of your child being the one who makes a mistake, a poor decision. How will you help them? How can you? Education is the key. Support goes with it.


I am not trying to say my parents were not supportive, nor were they ignorant. But open communication, as hard as it is is very important. I can tell you this with a 99% assurance, If your child tells them that they are sexually active, do not tell them that they need to stop. They won't.

Sarah Palin and Public School in Utah

I'm not one to get political in discussions usually, I am a very liberal minded independent. Which is a rare find in the state of Utah. And, well, I don't push my views on others. But I do stand behind my own convictions.
Please bear with me as I am going to get just a wee bit political today.
How can I help but get my panties in a bunch, with recent events such as permission slips and politics. How do they relate, you may be asking yourself? Here is how:

A few nights ago, my youngest daughter, came in late at night, as teenagers are known to do, to ask me to sign a permission slip. This is the same permission slip that I sign every year for each of my children. And, as my oldest daughter is aiming for a career in the medical field, many of her classes each, require this same slip to be signed by a parent.
This permission slip is for sexually oriented curriculum. Not sex education, just what the various Utah county school districts deem to be sexual material. I understand the fact that not everyone is going to agree on this issue, I also realize that there are a lot of conservatives in the state I live in who would like to see no curriculum at all.

But let me explain my point of view on this subject.
The consent form has as follows: At the top of the page there are 6 topics, with a small check box next to each of them.

Topics are as follows:
*Reproductive Anatomy ___ *Contraception, including condoms
*Human Reproduction ___ *HIV/AIDS
*Sexually Transmitted Diseases ___ *Information on self-exams

I was ecstatic! I was so glad to hear that they will actually teach more than abstinence in class. Alas it was a short lived excitement, as only a few boxes were checked off to be taught and - contraception was crossed out and replaced with abstinence. Even all important 'self-exams' was not checked off, thus not to be taught. Can someone please explain to me why it is not a good idea to teach this to our teens who are 1-2 years from becoming adults themselves. Even if they were to abstain until marriage- isn't it a good idea to know all the facts about your body and sexuality that you can before that time?

The lower portion of the form goes on with four options for parents.

They can:

1. Grant all permissions for their child to attend the classes for the above mentioned curriculum.(this was my choice)

2. Grant all permissions for their child to attend the classes for the above mentioned curriculum excluding the discussion of contraception or condom use

3. Make arrangements with the school to review the material before they make a decision.

4. Deny permission for said course- with the understanding that the parent will take the responsibility to teach the curriculum to their child within state guidelines.

I love that the parents get options as to what/how our children can/will learn. What I don't like, is, that the options given, are not options, they also are chosen by the state, based on which boxes are checked, and thus not all available to students, even with parental consent.
Contraceptive use, is not checked, not taught.

Sexually transmitted diseases is actually crossed out and re-written as communicative diseases, (Am I undertanding this to mean that, if some 'heathen teen' has it, you know how not to contract it by touching them, rather than thinking that our own child may just BE the one to contract it by having unprotected sex! it can happen)

I am an 'open door' type parent, I have discussed sex, contraception and hormonal tendencies with my kids openly. So whatever the school may teach, my kids may have already learned about it. But, In my opinion, it is always good for kids to learn all there is to know and from more than one source. Education is the key.

I understand that there are those who believe that abstinence is the only answer. That sex before marriage is wrong. I know where they are coming from, abstinence is always the safest choice. But not the probable choice of most teens. For those who will not choose to abstain (case in point Sarah Palin's teenage daughter) education and options need to be available to them prior to them being placed in a posibefore they find themselves in the inevitable situation where they are faced to make a decision. A decision that may change thier whole life. And may or may not make the decisions that we as parents, know to be the better choices. And we can only hope they make the wisest.

I, as a young teen, chose not to abstain. I was not a bad child, I was never in trouble. I helped with chores, got decent grades, had good friends, didn't stay out late, didn't party, use drugs or alcohol, I was in bed pretty early most nights.
But- when I met my now ex-husband, I was only 15. I was stubborn and I was in love.
Love, to a 15 year old is certainly not what love is at 30. And although I knew it was not the best choice- it was still the choice I made. And I had consequences to face for that decision, consequence that may have been avoided had I been a little more educated.

If someone can hold out those emotions until they are married to someone, more power to them. I think that is very noble. It is just not 100% across the board probable, not even close.
The last thing in the world that I would want for my children, would be to follow in my footsteps and become sexually active before they are ready, I was not ready. But my intelligent, beautiful girls, are going to be making some tough decisions in their lives, in the near future. And I as their parent, can only guide them to make the right decisions, and pray that they do. And yet support them if they do not.

I want them to know everything. Curiosity killed the cat they say. I - was a curious teen. I wanted to know what all the hype was about. I- was not educated about sex. So, I learned it by doing it. All my friends were having sex, TV and movies made it sound glamorous, I wanted to know. I am absolutely sure that my girls are exposed to the same pressures as I was, maybe more. We talk all the time. I know which of their friends are sexually active, I know where my kids are at night. (As for my post re: my daughter being out all night, I can only say, I am not perfect. And neither are they)

Right next to Education in my book, is communication. we communicate with others everyday! Co-workers, spouses, the guy at Starbucks making our cup of coffee. Why then, is it so hard to talk to the people we gave birth to? The children we are responsible for. I am going to say- this is yet one more area where the single parent is faced with a few more challenges than your average couple may be.
1. Single parents go it alone. You talk to your kids, because if you don't, who will?.
2. Single parents can't be home all the time- children of single parents are often left alone more often due to work obligations (often, more than one job, or extra hours), dating, spreading time between siblings events, etc.
3. The 'Daddy Complex', this doesn't always apply- but one challenge that I am weary of being faced with is, the daddy complex, with thier father so far away and contact with him being limited to a few phone calls a year, I fear that my girls will go looking for the male subject to fill that void in their life. This has been accentuated by the fact that my son is no longer living at home.
None of us, as parents, want to know that our teens are sexually active,(just ask Sarah Palin) or into drugs, or alcohol, smoking, or any other unsafe or illegal activity.
But the fact of the matter is, like it or not, they will be exposed to these things. Television is full of ads for erectile dysfunction, with promiscuous activity both in and out of marriage, Movies are able to take content to further extent. Keeping it from them is not only not an easy option, but also, in my opinion, not a smart choice. Explanation and education, again is the best focus. As parents, our job, is to educate and communicate. Supporting our children when they don't make the right choices. What an awful thing it would be for a teen, that not only may they have made some wrong choices in their life, but to be left alone to deal with them when parents cant be supportive.

All of this leads me to - As parents, it is up to us, individually, to decide how to teach or not teach our own children and teens. The school classes are only one more tool. One that I should be able to, as a parent, use or not use. All curriculum should be available, as the option of their child attending is ultimately up to us. It is not solely the schools responsibility to educate our children on sexual or other challenges they may face, but it can be a great tool. It is up to us, as parents to use every resource available to ensure that our children know everything there is to know, so that they are not curious enough to find out on their own. Knowledge does not make them sexually active, But lack of it may prevent them from being safe about it.

Just as the D.A.R.E. program http://www.dare.com/home/default.asp educates students about everything there is to know about drug use and its effects, in my opinion it too is an abstinence program. But, teaching abstinence for drug use, doesn't mean that they tell the students 'just don't do it.' Explaning to students, the TYPES of drugs, the EFFECTS of drugs, the ways to avoid PEER PRESSURE of drug use, doesn't make them want to try drugs, but rather more reason to abstain. And the same is true for sexual education.