"For over two decades my number one pursuit was raising my children well, and now the job is over, and here I stand like a high level, high stress but low paid CEO who's company just got bought out."- T-shirt design on http://www.zazzle.com

I have been a mom for twenty-two years this week. I became a mom just one month before my twentieth birthday.
I am still a mom.

The leash is a lot longer now, but the connection is still there.

My house is near empty now. Just one child home. These are the days I have talked about for years. When their father and I decided to start our family young, there were many friends who were also starting families. There were also many who thought we were nuts.
We were often told we were giving up our own youth. And to some degree maybe that had some truth to it.

Our response was most often

 "If we have them young, we will have the energy to keep up with them. And then, when they are grown, we will be young enough to go and play and enjoy our own freedoms."

And here we are. We certainly never expected that we would be a broken family. Funny how the future doesn't always come out the way we expect.

Moving into the empty-nest stage of my life as a mother is also not how I had planned it would be.

I can remember when Baby Boomers- my parents generation were the target audience. I find more and more that advertisements and sales are geared to my own generation. One hit wonders from the 80s on clothing and food advertisements. Many fashions I recognize from my teen years once again on the shelves. They know what they are doing. Raising kids.

Most of my friends have school age children. Ranging from kindergarten to college students. And we are the parents who are watching those ads. We are the parents sending them to school. And picking up the bill in turn filling the pockets of those companies selling the wares.

But when your children leave the house- out on their own, how should you feel? What are the emotions that come with this stage?

I speak to friends who are in such a hurry to start their childless lives that they insist that their kids move out on their eighteenth birthday. Make their own way and grow up. Many from parents who just recently grew up themselves.
Or there are the parents who just cant let go. They make their children go to the local college so that they can still wake them, drive them, and pack their lunches. Doesn't this lead to the aforementioned Peter Pan syndrome?
I suppose I am neither of those.

If I were still married, or married again... maybe I would feel differently about an empty house. It does feel empty. I do miss my kids. Terribly.  I am concerned about how they will fare on their own. And of course I am so proud of the adults they are becoming.

But for a single parent- it is a whole different feeling I suppose.

The emptiness is more than just the empty bedrooms I pass at night, no sleepy eyes peeking out at the sliver of light from the hallway, It is more than the absence of sleepless nights waiting for the click of the front door lock signalling they are home safe. And it is more than the empty seats around me as I curl up for a movie on the couch.

It is a peculiar kind of empty.

I have gone it solo for over fourteen years. I had four schedules in my head. I had four mouths to feed. I had four bodies to get to bed. Everything I did or thought was in Fours. I ran on adrenaline most of the time. I didn't have time for rest. I had a job to do and did it.
My mind has been for many years focused on three children while I attended and studied for night school.
My mind has been focused on being the best employee I could be in order to provide for the four of us.

And now.

I no longer keep four schedules, meals or bedtimes--- just one.

I no longer focus on my education--- that is done.

At the moment, I do not focus on my employment I have none.

My world has changed. It is my time to have fun- sure. I am emotional- sure.

But I am also a little bit lost and confused.

All I know is being the best mother I can be. I still strive for that.

But my full-time jobs- Mother, wage-earner and student- are no longer full time.

And so. I Exist. I am, I always will be mom. I will always be a student and I will once again be a wage-earner.

It will just be a new mom role. A new Student role and someday soon, I will be a wage-earner once again in a new role.


And now I will learn to have my life back as my own as I once learned to make it theirs.

Keep on keepin as they say.

If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent. ~Bette Davis

Things are so much better around here.
Many close talks with my daughter. Much more understanding on both sides.

She is certainly still digesting all the changes there will be in her life in the coming months. I too am apprehensive.
But I know she will do just fine.

She will graduate high school in a little over a month and her father will be here. She promised he would be out of her life forever if he did not attend. In the years since he moved, he has manged to make it to each of our other kids graduations. It is bittersweet. He SHOULD be there. He SHOULD be proud of them. He SHOULD NOT take any of the credit for them.
But times when he is here, old wounds and feelings emerge. Not with me, those feelings were gone long ago. But no matter his absence, they love him. They miss him. They still have deep rooted needs for him to fill that void.

I on the other hand could not be more proud of my youngest daughter and her latest of so many accomplishments so far in her life.

A few weeks ago, we shared a mom and daughter day. Although this is not a rare occurrence, every one of them is a treasure.
We have recently been recipients of Bountiful Baskets co-op. If you have never heard of it and love fresh produce year round, you really should check it's availability in your area.

In our most recent basket, we received some sweet potatoes. I am not a fan. But my girls love them.

My mother makes them every thanksgiving. She mashes them much like russet potatoes, but with a little molasses and seasoning and then melts marshmallows on top.

Since I don't care for them, I don't know much what to do with them. So, we decided to make some:

Sweet potato Fries


I completely made up the recipe with a little trial and error. But the girls said they were the best they have ever had. Could it be they were just appeasing me?

Sweet Potato Fries.

 Simply cut the potatoes lengthwise into French fry cuts. Ours were approximately 1/4 in

We placed a cup of flour into a shallow bowl and dredged four or five potato sticks in at a time covering fully.

 Drop each stick into 1/2in deep hot oil in a skillet. (When a drop of cool water dropped from your finger sizzles in the oil, it is hot enough). Cook 2-3 min per stick. Turn over for another 2-3 min.

Remove from the oil using tongs or straining spoon. Place on paper towel to drain off fat. While still hot, sprinkle with season salt to taste. Serve with Fry Sauce (Utah readers) or Ketchup.

“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction” - Winston Churchill

Is there a child of the 1970's who hadn't watched the Jetson's? The nuclear family and all their 'futuristic' gadgets sure left a child wanting for a dishwasher with robotic arms to help them with their chores each day.

In today's world, the Jetson's would be hard pressed to keep up with the gadgetry available. Video chat would make it possible not only for Judy to discuss dinner plans with George visually from the office, but also with little Elroy on his tour to Iraq. Who needs Rosie when a Roomba can clean your carpet using GPS while you are away.

A phone on the go would have been shocking to the Jetson's, and now they are so commonplace there are kids who have never used a land line or even know what that means. We feel tethered when tied to a cord. If it isn't cordless or wireless we are bored and frustrated. Our Televisions are simultaneously getting larger and smaller (micro). Instant gratification with movies and television, instant food, instant reading with kindle's and nook's are is not only available but expected.

At what price?


But what is all this doing for us? Are we getting smarter? I doubt it. In better shape? Hardly. Are we more efficient? It seems to be the opposite may be true. Pixar's 2008 animated film paints a vivid picture of our future. Sitting in cooshie chair, sipping on our 48oz soda and letting all the gadgets do our work. Ninety-plus percent of jobs in the 2000's are internet or computer related. Many more jobs are becoming telecommuting jobs.


Flashback just 100 years ago, this country was in a depression. Families were losing everything they had. Losing their farms and land. They were hard times, many families packed all they owned onto wagons and trucks and headed west for the gold and fortunes they never found. Imagine this scenario today. I don't know many families who could get all they own into a truck or wagon. What would you take? Electronic gadgetry does little when on the road without chargers. Without our designer clothes and hairstyles. Would we make it far? No microwaves, no McDonald's or Wendy's. No hot showers or toilet covers, rarely a bath in a washtub.

Families in the 1920's were used to hard physical work. Up before dawn; plowing, clearing, feeding and rearing animals which would one day be the food on their table. No mid-night run to wal-mart for milk. Milk would be gathered from the cow.Today many cannot touch a shopping cart or door handle without slathering on the sanitizer.




Are we our own worst enemy?

Is all of this good for us? We sit in cubicles 8-14hrs a day, hardly see the sun. We buy foods with so many preservatives that they could potentially survived the past 100 years still intact. We have to visit gyms in the few hours we have left in the day in order to sustain a semi-normal weight and physical health. Does this mean we are healthier today? Marvels of modern medicine definitely helps to stave of the biggies... Cancer, heart disease, and high cholesterol. We have immunizations for many illnesses that could have killed us of so many years ago but are we going too far?

I don't think we could survive the same strives of our ancestors. We have become soft. The more medications, sterilizers, lackadaisical ways and gadgets we have to make life easier for us is directly proportionate to the amount of new problems we create for ourselves.

Heart disease is on the rise. Is it the red meat we are eating? Or is it the large quantities of reconstituted, steroid ridden meats we consume. Is it the fast that after consuming that same over-sized, chemically preserved steak we sit in front of an also over-sized television to catch the latest season of reality TV. Possibly watching overweight couples forced to push their bodies to heights of exertion than their bodies have ever seen. There is a reason that some of the most watched reality shows are about losing weight and making new lives.

And is technology also killing our workforce? Non-technology driven jobs are becoming obsolete. If you do not use computers in your job will you become obsolete? Many workers are being replaced by robots and computers. Is this our own detriment? No longer is the land you own, your own security blanket for survival. Even the written word and books and newspapers are becoming a thing of the past. Many jobs depend on the skills of today and the technology of tomorrow.

Where do we go from here?

On a personal note, I am trying the old basics. This past summer, I grew a garden of my own. No preservatives in my own garden. I have attempted to buy local meats and vegetables over processed forms. I began an 'organic' exercise program of push-ups. sit-ups and jumping jacks. I will add some running and jump rope when the outdoors warms a little. I use soap but will not become a prisoner to the hand sanitizers and let my body work up its own antibodies and resistances. So far so good. I am lucky enough to have skills in the technology fields however those jobs are hard to come by as well. Time will tell.

What do you do to avoid sickness? Do you feel as though you are falling victim to the luxuries and cooshie-chairs of today? How has technology affected your job?

Sorry- been a little MIA lately

Blogging is a full-time job and well, I am struggling to find the time for this third job in my life. I love blogging, it is a real stress relief and great place to keep memories.

I am not like a lot of other bloggers, this sight is not for money making or social opinion as much as it is, just 'my place'.

So, although I love the comments and I love the people I have met while blogging and hope it continues, I don't really feel the slightest bit guilty or sad that I have gone a while without a post. My later posts have lacked a little in substance and I don't ever want to get to the point where I am posting just to get something out here.

I have a lot to say, a lot to write about, but a lot going on in my day-to-day life that would be really boring blog subject but is also keeping me from here on a regular basis.

Spring is right around the corner and I always seem to get my second wind when the sun shines more. So I am sure that I will have some great reading material here soon.

In the meantime- I will continue to read and comment on my favorite sites, as time allows and will post something fantabulous  here very soon. So I hope the few readers I have can bear with me and stick around for my creative juices to once again begin their flowing to the page.

I also have a few very personal stories to share, stories of my own life that some may or may not be able to relate to. I would also like to have it so that I may save it for my children. They know the stories but this I hope will be a record for them.

For those in the states, I hope that Daylight savings time doesn't take too much out of you and that you all have a great St. Patrick's day and don't drink too much green beer!

New post coming soon

The new home away from home

Today was my first day at a new job. It gets a little easier each time. I have only had two jobs since I was twenty-two years old and so change is hard for me.
Although this job is pretty close to the other jobs, it is a step up. With my new degree, and my experience, I am in a better position, better pay and a little more responsibility and expectation. I am excited about it though.
The only part I don't like is the potential for some late hours and some weekends. It is probably the best time this could happen, as a single mother. My son is in Kansas and soon to be deployed to Iraq for a year, My older daughter taking a summer job working in Texas for my cousins company., and only my youngest still at home.
Juggling one car may prove to be difficult but we can work around that. She will also be quite busy this summer with plays, theatrical training and she will be practicing her singing and monologues here at home sans audience. She will be able to belt out her songs until the neighbors come knocking. And since we live on a busy street, I don't see that happening.

But- the job. Of course today was day one. And I wont have the freedoms of staying home and being able to run daily errands, but there is also something to be said for working.
I seem to have more energy when I have a reason to awaken in the morning. I seem to have clearer thoughts when I use my brain during the day. As crazy as it sounds, - except when there is terrible traffic- I love the peacefulness of a drive home solo. I can roll down the window for a breeze. I can turn up the radio for my own mobile karaoke bar if I choose. I can ride in complete silence and just enjoy the beautiful scenery in this state I live in.
I actually come home with a second wind. I get some cleaning done and am fresh for the evening.

First day is no indication but I think I will like this new chapter in my life. Sometimes you just have to grasp change and go with it.

Employed Once Again

I just accepted a job offer yesterday morning. It is a great job. I cant help but feel a little bit bittersweet. Being a single working mother, I have worked full time since I was 18 years old. I love to work. I'm not really a stay at home type. Sure I have enjoyed being able to sleep in if I wanted, and to run errands in town which are a bit of a hassle when working and they are only open during work hours. I have also enjoyed very much being home when my girls get home from school and able to run them to and from school on the bad weather days.

The job I have accepted will be a full time job approx 30 minutes each way from home. They mentioned that there will be some late nights and some working Saturdays.

I am really OK with working, even long hours. I love what I do. But I also love spending weekends with my kids. I am one of the lucky parents. One who's kids don't abhor hanging out with them. And each day that goes by, I realize it is a short matter of time until they are too busy with their own lives, jobs and eventually families to have as much time to hang out. these days are precious and I don't want to work them away.

Of course all of this is projection. I don't even start the job until next Monday. It is great pay, it is fun and challenging work, and it pays the bills and keeps me from going insane with boredom. There will be challenges: sharing a car, getting to daytime appointments, and others.

On the flip side, (sorry it is the Libra in me) I have always had these same struggles. But for the job I have worked for the past 3 years, I have always had to juggle appointments and getting home from a commute.

One previous job I had which was a commute, I worked at most of my adult life, was far enough away from home that I had to work out a lot of arrangements if the kids were sick or had performances or doctor appointments in the daytime. At that time, my parents were also close and helped out on occasion. They are no longer in the area.

But, regardless of all of this, I am excited to start this new job, this new chapter in my life. It seems from my interviews, that I can make a real difference in not only the design of new products but also the productivity and efficiency of the company and manufacturing itself. If that is the case, there just may be no more weekends and late nights.

I hope that all these years of work and school, doesn't make my children resentful of my lack of time but rather teaches them good work ethic and that you can truly do anything you set your mind on.

Pulling out the power suit again

I one again have a job interview. They are fewer and further between than I thought they might be. The thing about interviews is:
They expect you to really sell yourself, tell them why they should love you, then with the flick of a wrist they can dismiss you like a begging dog...
This is a tough market these days. The state I live in has a low unemployment rate, sure. But the rates are so high in other states that willing workers are relocating and taking the opportunities that might be available here.
In less than an hour, I will be selling myself once again. I will do my best to keep my chin up, my outlook high and sell my wares so to speak.
The last interview I went on, I thought I had it in the bag... but heard nothing.
That is a crumby way for a company to be. No correspondence at all? seriously? The four people I interviewed with seemed to want me to be a-one hundred on everything... including how I answered every question, my body language, my knowledge, my punctuality. I expected all of that. However on the flip side, they seemed a bit bothered that they had to take time out of their day to meet with me, there were very few slots of time that they could all meet with me, they screwed up the scheduling so that even though I was in the lobby 15 minutes early, I still met with the first one nearly a half hour late.
I left a thank you card to each of them, thanking them for their time. I walked out of the company with my head high, I felt I had blown them away.
I did not expect a letter explaining why I was not a good fit for their company- although wouldn't that be awesome? But was it too much to ask them to send a letter or even an e-mail in this day and age... letting me know that they had filled the position but not with me? That would be the polite thing to do. When they asked so much of me. (Note to managers: Let people know where they stand: Whether they are a new employee just interviewing, or a long standing employee I cant tell you how much better an employee I am when I know where I stand.)

And now, I am preparing to do it all again. Pulling out my new power suit. I'll let you know how it turns out. Who knows, I may just come out of this one thinking I really blew it, which may just mean I am a shoe-in!

Hard Days Night

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have faced in a really long time. As I have written here about trials of being a single mother, issues with kids, household problems etc. I have not said much about my employment or people I work with. I don't figure this blog is the place to discuss office workings.
However, as I have alluded to in my past few posts, I have been laid off.
Yesterday was our last day of hire. It was bittersweet in more ways than one. I have recently finished my degree so this may open new windows of opportunity for me, but I am scared of the consequences of not finding that opportunity soon enough. I am excited to move to the next chapter of my life but sad to say goodbye to friends from this one.
Small companies are absolutely awesome to work for. You really get opportunities to grow as a person as you more than likely take on job tasks beyond your own work scope. You make close friendships with other employees by working closely with them everyday. You know all about their families and their day to day lives. Even management.
It is kind of like living in a small town, everyone is in your business, you have no secrets. But those same people who know all about you would also do anything for you. An extension of your own family. I will miss you all.
I didn't let my emotions get the best of me when we all hugged goodbye after the luncheon. Maybe it was all the tears of worry the night before. It was hard though. To those who said they loved me and they will miss me, you know who you are, I love you too.
I was barely out of the parking lot, when the emotions overtook me and I cried like a baby all the way home. It was actually cleansing.
Who knows what the passersby thought- who cares.
And so- today begins a new day- a new chapter to this silly book of my life. I never accused God of giving me a boring life. And he never fails to follow through.

Unemployment blues

The job hunt has been a long and tedious process. I have never had to do this before. We had a meeting about unemployment insurance yesterday, another thing I have never done. I have been sending out resumes like crazy this week, I have applied for every job that even remotely matches my skills, both pre and post bachelors degree (as it is in a semi-different field than my experience).

I am optimistic, I think that this will give me a chance to use my newly gained knowledge. But, it better happen fast. I have a mortgage, a car payment, three kids, and many other obligations and very little savings to hold us over.

Friday, just two days from now will be my last date of hire. I then have 2 weeks vacation to be paid out, then a wait week with no money before I can receive any unemployment payments, however, I am hoping that it will not come to that as it would only be about 1/2 my monthly income now. That is not enough for us to live on.

This is probably a silly thing to think of when we need food on the table and shelter over our heads.. but every TV in my house is cirque 1980's they all run well, except the main TV which will periodically shut itself off then back on... like a ghost. However, in a few weeks the analog signals will be a thing of the past and without cable TV, converter boxes, or satellite, will make all of the TVs in our home nothing more than big hunks of plastic adorning our furniture. As it is now, we have basic cable, pretty stripped down, no pay movie channels, just some basic channels.

This leaves me in a bit of a predicament... If i don't find work soon, cable TV would be an obvious choice cut for downsizing to the essentials. However, not only would it make all of the TVs unusable, this will also be a time when I am out of work, - not working- nothing to do but sit at home and wait on calls from employers. Without TV.

The second obvious choice of a luxury to be cut would seem to be Internet! But how do you cut Internet when you must post at least four job postings per week?

Do I turn off the heat? the water?

What bills are the ones to cut? The cell phone? That is the number I gave to the recruiters.

Lets just hope I wont have to cut anything... and that I will find a better job, with better pay, with more vacation, stock options.....

OK OK. a job that pays for the life we have become accustomed to... lets start there.

This isn't good or bad. It's just the way of things. Nothing stays the same. -Real Live Preacher, 2004

One of my favorite movies/books of all time is The outsiders- by S.E Hinton. The Robert Frost poem used in the story seems to fit my post. If you are not familiar with it, here it is.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-- Robert Frost

This photo of my foggy drive in to work this morning, says a lot of my thoughts and brain function today.

I had a hard time sleeping last night, lots of thoughts spinning in my head. Here is a post that I posted on my school reunion website as I know they are possibly going through the same 'growing pains' or will soon. Here is a portion of that post:

I graduated at the age of 17, was married the summer I turned 18, had my first born just one month before I turned 20. Two more children followed 21 months and then 19 months later, respectively.
I used to joke that all my kids would be 18 and moving out by the time I turned 41. My Prime. Then it would be my time to play.
Here I am just months from my 40hh birthday, my oldest is already far across the country. Last night my second child interviewed for a summer job which will take her to another state for four months just following her 18th birthday in May.
My baby will be 18 in less than 2 years and this is probably the most emotional time ever! I'm not ready to let go!
Of course I have been lucky and have wonderful kids; we don’t fight enough for me to warrant a break from them. And even if we did, I would still feel emptiness. Of course being a single mother puts a little more spin on the 'Empty nest'. All I know is being a mother. Now it is time to enter a new chapter, and it scares the hell out of me. (pardon my french)

Don’t get me wrong, this is the time in my life where I feel the most confident and secure in my own life and self. Where I feel as though I know where my future lies. But it doesn’t make the absence of my children easier.

This is hard, letting go. Is it loss of control? Is it fear of being alone? Is it that being a mother is all I know? or is it I am feeling my age and don't like it? I'm not sure. But- this too shall pass. And damn it! I am one proud momma!