Addiction should never be treated as a crime. It has to be treated as a health problem. We do not send alcoholics to jail in this country. Over 500,000 people are in our jails who are nonviolent drug users. Ralph Nader

On Facebook yesterday, an old school friend posted this as her status:

If anybody has any feedback positive OR negative regarding Wellbutrin, I would appreciate it.....

I have taken Wellbutrin. There was a time after my divorce and again after the demise of a six-year relationship; when I couldn't sleep, I couldn't focus on my daily responsibilities. The anti-depressant Wellbutrin was recommended by a therapist. I am typically a positive, glass is half full personality type. It is rare even with this roller coaster life, that I am really down or unhappy. I took the medication for just a month. I will say it helped, at least with the sleep by clearing my head of the demon thoughts.

But then, I am not much for taking any medication. I don't like to feel drugged. Twenty-one years ago when I had major surgery and was prescribed the steroid Prednisone. I was also given a pain reliever, Percocet a cocktail of Oxycodone and Acetaminophen. After a week of the pain killers, nausea and hallucinatory dreams that would scare the shit out of anyone I quit the Percocet and limped by on over the counter pain relievers. 

Call me a control freak if you must but I do not like feeling as though I am not in control of my thoughts and actions. I have a deep empathy for those suffering from disorders that affect the body and mind. I also understand the need for pharmaceuticals and drugs. I just have a hard time understanding the needs of a healthy individual who feels the need to take them to escape.

Horrible things happen to people everyday. Many people face things that are just too much to bear. And I can imagine that they feel that getting high will help them escape those feelings. But it is a temporary fix. Most times taking them further into that dark tunnel. 

The county I reside in is often referred to as 'Happy Valley' a term used in part because of the saturation of the LDS faith in the area making it seem to some outsiders as the sacred hallowed ground where nothing illegal, immoral or unclean should happen. And yet others mock it with the name as a place so clean there is no fun to be had here. In reality, it is like any other suburban community. As in other communities, the population is increasing ten-fold, the crime rate is on the rise, and drug use is also rising.

It seems as pressures grow in communities, the need for escape also grows. And in turn, drug and alcohol use and abuse seems to follow. In times past it seemed that most stresses were cooled by the men meeting at the corner watering hole and drinking and joking away the weeks stress. While the wives would hold play dates and gossip sessions where pointing out others problems made one's worry's seem smaller and easier. What do we do in modern day? How many are turning to narcotics and illegal drugs?

Bad things have always happened to people. People have always wished for that escape. But as time goes by, I often wonder why do we create more chaos and trouble on ourselves? Why does that make any one of us feel better?

Another old friend whom I recently reconnected with has been through some tough times. Married to an alcoholic, divorced, blamed and shamed, turned to drugs, then stronger drugs, then rehab, four children created in the chaos, unemployed, turning to sex as a relief and pregnant and alone at 41. Is she learning? is her life changing for the better? It seems not. She is not alone.

Drug use a huge problem in this country. And not just illegal drugs. Prescription drug abuse is on the rise. Drug use is the biggest war we will ever face as a country. And it is not getting better. 

The first time I watched a drug ad on television, I was shocked. My first thought was, do the pharmaceutical companies really need to advertise? As I have worked in the medical device and pharmaceutical arena most of my adult life, I understand the profits of such companies.

Then I began to listen to the ads closer, if you are having these symptoms (most of which were vague enough that on a given day might be common to almost anyone over the age of say 30) ask your doctor. Ask your doctor? When did we some to this place in time where the patient is requesting of the doctor? How can it be safe? 

I remember my kids commenting on the two minutes of side effects listed at the end of the more recent ads. Surely to cover their asses in litigation against those laymen home grown pharmacists- the viewers. My kids would say things like wow who would want to take that drug? With all those side effects? I would explain that most prescriptions have a laundry list of side effects, it is just that most people in this instant gratification world ignore the twelve page leaflet accompanying it. 

I do not blame the physicians, with the exception of those illegally prescribing. It is embarrassing how quickly this virus seems to be spreading across the nation. We as a nation may just be our own worst enemy.

The drug lords, the corrupt physicians are certainly not idiots, quite the opposite. They will sit back and watch us kill ourselves and each other off while taking it all to the bank.

Which brings me back to the post by my friend. It is the small things like this that start the fires... Have we become so commonplace with prescription use that we would take the advice of our social media friends over that of a practicing and licensed therapist and physician? And should we? Is drug use (even legal) so common that a consensus of enough friends who have used it before seems a better choice than the doctors who seem a little too quick to sign off that prescription pad to feed a society of quick fixes?

Do you remember a time when you could walk through a mall or city street and never see on that walk the signs of drug or alcohol abuse? Can you now? It is no longer a disease of the ghetto, nor is it something folks from the other side of the tracks have 'gotten themselves into.

It is the neighbor lady school teacher, the basketball star, the famous movie star, the soccer coach and the homecoming queen. It is everywhere and everyone. 

In addition to the use and the abuse and its effects on those who use, abuse leads to crime increases, more violence, and overall poor health of the country as a whole. Those who are terrified of the thought of crossing the borders to Mexico, who think that countries problems seem far from our own better think again. 

What are your thoughts?

Breathing Easy- A rant

Had a bit of a scare today.
My normal work commute is about 45 min through some rather high traffic areas. I try to arrive early and leave for home right on time in order to miss most of it.

I got a late start this morning as my older daughter who just started a new job, slept right through her alarm. Her day got better when she had difficulty starting her brothers car, which is her temporary form of transportation. It was an operator error as starting his car is a very Macgyver style encounter. By the time I got on the road, the trip I can most days make in a little over a half hour turned into nearly an hour and a half drive- well sit. I have never seen so many cars on the road all at once. Very unusual.

On my commute home although I was a bit late leaving work, finishing up a bit of paperwork there was an unusually small amount of traffic.

It was actually a great drive, we have had a bit of rain the past couple days, the skies were blue, the air clear. I was even a bit amused that the stereo was ironically playing great selections and I began to sing along. Getting louder and creating my own Karaoke car.

When I was just about 15 min from home in the middle of a great sing-a-long out of the peripheral vision of my right eye, I saw a small puff of what looked like smoke turn suddenly into a huge cloud of dust and dirt. I heard tires squealing and then in what felt like slow motion, I saw the outline of a very large blue truck no more than 10-15 feet in front of me. The huge truck moved quickly from the outside lane of the highway and as fast as a child running across the street he was into my lane. Before I had time to realize just how close he was, he was in the lane to my left. then the carpool center lane.

Without thinking a bit, my knuckles white, I turned the wheel slightly as to miss a large piece of torn up tire. In my rear view mirror a Piece of rubber large enough to knock my truck off the road.

Looking back up to the road I see the truck has reached the cement divider the barrier between the north and southbound traffic.
The 2000 lb dump truck bounced off the wall like a rubber ball thrown against a brick wall.

As I passed the scene I turned to see two cars stopping to help. I remember thinking I would be more in the way than help. I see the driver, alive, awake, but stunned. No more than 20 feet ahead of the crash scene, a man standing near his silver sports car. It looks to be a very expensive very fast car.
He is not running to the dump truck, he is not looking back to see if the man is OK. I remember thinking a few expletives as I watch him rubbing his car fender, caressing it like a lover.
At first thought, still a bit in shock I actually thought he may have been the cause...
But when my head cleared a little I believe that maybe, just maybe that big piece of rubber popped up to hit his car.
And for the record, I didn't see a scratch, except maybe in his character.

Melancholy mood, thoughts and a little color to lighten the mood

I took a drive up into the mountains near my home to help a friend with a college paper yesterday. It was a beautiful drive as we just had the first snow of the season. The bright white of the snow in contrast with the evergreens and the fall colors was stunning.



This was a good 'clear your head' kind of drive. It was just what I needed after Saturday morning. I was feeling a bit of sorrow.

Let me start with a little background, some 4 or so years back, we lived next to an empty lot, a neighbor who had inherited the land from his parents, sold the lot in order to build a better house for he and his retired sister to live in. A man bought the land and spent nearly a year building a house on the land. A house he would sell and never live in. A family moved in soon after it was completed and as is the case in many neighborhoods, I didn't get to know them for a while. My own selfish reasons. would they judge me for not being of the predominant faith in the area, would they judge me because my yard was cluttered and not kept up? Whatever the reason doesn't matter much.
The seasons passed and not much was said between us, I was not even sure how many children they had. Christmas's came and went and I would send over the treats to them along with all of our other neighbors whom I have known personally or just waved a friendly hello to in passing.
They would kindly reciprocate. I would always wonder as I pulled my the driveway near their house, what was going on in that house? It is a nice house with an immaculate yard. Who were these people and were they like me? I felt a little intimidated by these strangers.
This past year, as the father and the son would work in the yard, mowing it to a golf course state. They would wave and smile friendly. Maybe they weren't so judgmental and perfect after all. As the months passed, I began to get to know the family, a father, a mother and one son, Ty a little better.

I mentioned to my kids, they should invite him when they went with friends, It must be hard to be a new kid in the high school. My daughter would say, 'but mom, he has a girlfriend'. I had seen him picked up for school by a girl in a yellow jeep most mornings as I was scraping the frost off my windshield. "Doesn't mean he can't have friends' I said." Besides that i had noticed him, noticing her in a sweet way.

My son, who is a year older than Ty (who would be 18 this November), was headed out one day to go to the movies with some friends, I mentioned to him that it would be a nice gesture to invite Ty. The worst thing that could happen is he says no. So, they invited him, he was elated! and they went and had a great time.

Things were busy in the next few months, with both my son and myself graduating. The girls were busy with work and school and my own employers were suffering hardships. We were also busy with moving my parents to their new home the coming week.

I recall one day Ty's mother stopping by as I had gone home during lunch hour to help my son with some speakers in his car. She mentioned how nice it was that my son had invited Ty to the movies and that he was thinking of a career in automotive and had just purchased a car of his own.
I was not sure at the time of her reason for mentioning this. I was proud that my son had made a good impression as a friend.

One month later, school had just ended and the kids were itching to spend the money they had been making at their jobs. My two girls had decided to walk to the local theatre and take in a movie. (My daughter would later recall that as they passed his house they thought of knocking and inviting Ty but once again, assumed he would be doing something with his girlfriend).
That same night, as I pulled in from work, I could seriously 'feel' something wrong in the air. Something just wasn't right. then I saw an ambulance at their house. A neighbor stopped by as I pulled in my driveway.

'I guess I had better tell you, as you live so close' he said to me. Ty killed himself today. This was not even my child and I cannot tell you the awful weight of despair that fell on my heart that day. All I could think of was why? He was such a happy boy. He has so much ahead of him. He just bought a car! Oh my god, how will I tell my kids?

That same night, a friend of his held a candlelight vigil in his honor at the high school. With today's technology word spread fast through text and e-mail. There were so many kids there. The parents, with more strength than I have ever known, spoke about their son. I learned so much of him that night. I think that maybe some of the kids were there merely because of the 'publicity' and didn't really know him. But some of the kids who spoke about him, spoke of a highly friendly and caring teen boy, involved in so many great things with a great future ahead of him.
It has been a few months since this happened, his parents have sold the house and moved a few towns away. We have spoken since, and they tell me what a blessing it was that Ty had Jeremy in his life. I was confused. He had many many friends.

Although this happened nearly 5 months ago, I have often looked at the house for sale next door, and wondered, how would you go on? How could you lose a child? and worse than that, not know why. Suicide is such a crazy thing. Only the one who does it truly knows what was going on in their head. It is the ones who are left behind who are the most confused but not necessarily the ones who hurt the most. I surely hope that Ty is in a happier place and that his parents are able to have peace in their own lives.
So other than the fact that I cannot seem to get this tragedy out of my mind, but also this:
This past Saturday morning, as my girls had just left the house to work and competition, the dogs were in a ruckus. I looked out the window and saw Ty's mother, Deb, walking away from my house. I didn't understand...

Then I saw a few small Manila envelopes in her arms, she must have left something.?
I opened up the front door and there was an envelope. I opened it up to find a small pad with Ty's picture on the front and a DVD.

I immediately began to sob. Really hard, painful sobbing. I cannot tell you what triggered the sobbing that morning- The fact that his life was so short? The parents pain? The picture? The fact that I too have children that age, and do I truly know how they are feeling deep inside? I don't know. But I felt such remorse over this young man.
The pad included a poem, an explanation from his parents as to just how they are coping, and a thank you to all who have helped them through this trying time.
The DVD was a slide show of Ty's entire happy but short life, his funeral service, and some other bits.
The handwritten note, the personal, heartfelt message from them, was: "We want to help, if you ever need anything at all, we know that our purpose is now to help others." There was also mention of his father, Mike being from a single mother and knowing the sacrifices made. I hope that I would be as strong if god forbid anything happened to any of my children.
What a selfless gesture. How hard it must be for them, to offer help to other people and their children. To see others with their children when they have lost theirs, their only child.
A single mother - or any mother, or parent, cant help but think of their own in a time like this.

Hug your children today, and everyday- Now. Tell them you love them. Let them know that they are important.

Along those same lines- maybe we should all go out and meet a neighbor- find out a little about them. One neighbor you always meant to meet.

In fact- their house just sold- to one of the firefighters who came on that tragic day- I think I will have to make a batch of cookies or banana bread and introduce myself.

But on a lighter note: nothing gets you closer to God than nature.. Here are some pictures of my ride. (Please excuse the car antenna- but you know how my photography is....)

Bridal Veil Falls- This was nearly wiped out- The park, not the waterfall- A few years ago by an avalanche. But it sure looked beautiful on Sunday.

Can you see the waterfalls? And the fall colors with the snow? (mind you- I took this while driving, could have been killed- or worse, spilled my coffee)

This one is coming into the canyon toward Sundance- Home of heartthrob Robert Redford. Just a skiff of snow on the ridges.

Here is one of the more colorful pictures I love this state!

From the shady side of the road- still beautiful snow on the peaks.

Here is another with all those speckles of color- Don't they remind you of the Disney movies we used to watch on Sunday nights, where the super human paintbrush would slather the colors over the world?- Mother nature and all this beauty leaves me a little more at peace with the passing of Ty. (and my uncle Mayo- My dad's only brother whose funeral was within a few days of Ty's)