Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you. " Walt Whitman

The day has come.
I dropped my youngest off at her first apartment yesterday.
Bittersweet.

She is surprising me in so many ways. So responsible.

If you had asked me about her perhaps a year ago, I would have said she would never make it.

She will begin her first semester next week.

She is a bit nervous but ready. She has gone through a gamut of emotion this week. Crying emotionally, before we left home, saying she was not ready to leave home. Excitement at walking the campus, purchasing books, decorating her new temporary home.

I am not sure it has hit me yet, how empty this house will be. There is one left. My middle child. She is rarely home herself.

The house seems so much bigger.

Moving her felt as though we were moving a circus. packed until the poor truck could hold no more. And yet, most of her room is still as she left it. Most of her furnishings are here ready to see her at holiday breaks. The difference being no clothes on the floor. The room is the cleanest it has been since she took over the room when her brother moved to the basement.

I will miss waiting up for her at nights. I will miss her sleepy face with tousled hair waking on the weekends looking for coffee. I will miss snuggling with her on winter Sundays while watching movies.

And yet, I cannot wait for her to experience this new phase in her life. I cannot wait for our Sunday morning scheduled calls to catch up. Or other unscheduled calls when she needs just a little bit of help from home.

We (my father and I) tried to make her stay as comfortable as we could. Take away the stresses that would hold her back from having the most rewarding and fun experience thus far.

It is not easy on her. It is not easy on her mamma either. But it is also so exciting.

I love her and I am proud!

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. Robert Frost

This has been one trying week.
Since starting my job last April, I have never really felt comfortable in this position. It is not because of the people, I work with some of the greatest people. It is not the work itself, I feel as though I am intelligent and experienced enough for the job.
Thing is, I have not once, since my first day, felt as though I knew my place. I didnt know what was expected of me. I did what I already knew to do.. like a numb mesmerizing trance from my past jobs. I have not felt as though I was giving what I could but I didnt know what I should be accomplishing.

I am an engineer. We create medical products, catheters to be exact. I had not been given any clear cut projects yet, supporting the other engineers. And I did it well but I felt lost.

Even in my interview we discussed a lot of my experience and my expertise. The management nodding and uh huh-ing and seemed impressed.
But just as I was uncertain after leaving the interview.... just where I stood, here I was ten months in and still seemed touch and go.

And then, my boss called me in. Who likes to have one of those meetings... I felt like the naughty child sent to the principals office. I was a bit apprehensive walking in to his office. There was a tension in the air.

And then the bomb dropped. He was very dissatisfied with my performance. He was not upset or irritated, rather he seemed a bit sympathetic. But I felt so misunderstood and a little let down.
He asked if the job was overwhelming, if it was too much.

Not at all.


But I must back up a little. Without giving too much personal information here for the blogosphere..
Thing is, this company is as unorganized and uncommunicative as any small company can be. With not more than 15 people in the main office, the place is absolutely a mess.

When hired, I remember they were impressed with my background in organization and efficiency. However, the menial tasks on my plate very day were enough to keep me more than busy.

The pace of the company is also on overdrive. It shouldnt be. Like firemen rushing to put fires out at every turn. I have seen many areas to change, organize, and create efficiency but not only were my hands tied up with busywork, I never felt as though I was given the go ahead to take any such measures.


My boss is busy, has way too much information stored in his noggin that no one else knows. Which can only mean that he is the go-to man. He never has a moments peace to get his own work finished because he is answering so many questions of others. And on top of that he is running back and forth between our sister company and ours.

So- back to our meeting. I was to have a report on his desk by the end of the next week, this week-
I was to create a proposal in order to organize, restructure and create more efficiencies in the company.

He seemed a bit shocked I had not already created a plan before now.

Thing is, not only have they kept me so busy with my own engineering and design duties, but it was never communicated to me that I should be creating such a proposal. In the interview they showed interest. But nowhere in my job description or in any communication was it ever apparent that it was expected.

I left the meeting feeling a little strange. Perplexed. Was it my own misunderstanding? Have I somehow misread their expectations? I was uncertain.

I finished my report today sent it to the boss. I now await his critique. It is a simple plan, but can effective in creating a more efficient and organized company structure.

It was a bit refreshing actually when the meeting ended as I had a chance to speak up about such inefficiencies in the work flow of the company. I am once again busy - busting my ass actually.

Only time will tell if this is the right direction, if my report and my plan is what he sees as a good direction. I am convinced, that if I hear back from him and he is less than impressed, if he thinks that I am not a good fit for this company, then maybe the company is not a good fit for me. I have done my best and I hate to second guess myself. I know that the expectations are not clear to any of my coworkers either.

I only hope that my boss can see the changes I have proposed could potentially free his schedule alone, enough to keep both companies running like smooth silk and getting him home in time for dinner with his wife and kids which is a rare treat for him these days.

It will create time they dont know they have. And the money! Paying the amount of overtime, I dont know how we make enough to stay in business.

Also since starting in this position I have yet to take a day of vacation. The stress of the job, the inefficiencies and overtime put in, the late nights spent awake watching reel of the movie of the job playing out behind my closed eyelids. (Where do you think all of the ideas in my report came from?)
This can go one of two ways,

He likes my proposal: I get my chance to make some changes that will make the entire company more efficient, and less stressed. Making it possible for many coworkers to make it home before the sun goes down and the possibility of more satisfied customers and more work. Which will be welcome in a new more efficient atmosphere.

or

He doesn't like my proposal: And I find myself my own freedom and efficiency in another company.

I honestly hope that he is satisfied. It is the waiting game that is the hardest. I dont want to change jobs again, but I am not enjoying being in such a stress filled and disorganized environment. I would welcome the opportunity to stay and make it better for a lot of people.

What I need is a stress buster.

I dont know what direction this will take in the next couple weeks, however, there is relief in sight.

If you happen to notice the beautiful scenery at the top of my blog.. just below the beautiful 'local' scenery.. I am about to embark on my very first cruise. In my forty years on this earth I have never crossed the US borders. (well there was one trip to Tijuana but that doesnt count does it?)

My wonderful parents are celebrating their 45th anniversary and are durn crazy enough to want to spend it with their two daughters and all of our offspring. I only wish my son was home and able to come.

Save me a spot and a margarita on a sandy white beach in the sun far far from here.

I have the best parents in the world.

Sure cant wait to get my toes in the sand, out of the stress, the weather and the sickness surrounding me right now.

Baby John

My niece is a young mother. Turning 20 this month and her baby is already six months old. I was a young mother. I understand how frustrating that can be.
She is also in a financial strain and her mother, my one and only sister, is also in the same predicament.
On a whim, my daughter decided we should take the baby and give my neice a break. The man she is living with, not the babies father, is out of town a lot and she was feeling overwhelmed. She was also fighting a bout of swine flu and just didnt have the energy needed for him.
Thursday night after working a full shift at work, I drove the 40 minutes home to grab my daughter then we hit the road for the 2 hour drive to pick up the baby.

It has been a great weekend playing mom again...being that my baby is now sixteen. It has also been an awakening for my girls. Babies are great fun, and we love having him here to cuddle. However he has been teething and also fighting an ear infection and had some challenging moments.

My older daughter put up his port-a-crib in her room and was great at getting up with him at night. I have faith in my girls that they will someday make great mothers. I also think that this weekend just might help them to hold off a few years before haveing children of thier own. It is great when you can send them back home.

I am also proud of the fact that they both seem to take on the challenges of the cranky baby on thier own but are open to help and input from me. I watch my older daughter watching me with the baby and she is learning patience and how to keep the stress to a minimum. My younger daughter still gets quite stressed and tries to calm him any way she can...she cannot handle crying for long.
It has been a fun time and a lesson for them.
And just in time to send him home to mother... I feel a cold coming on... great!

Taxes and the most important man in my life.

Today is April 15th, the worst day of the year for some. This year as is usually the case, I received a decent refund from the federal government. However this year as a first, I had to pay a chunk to the State Government. But- taxes are boring subject matter. We all pay them, and some of us, myself included thanks to unemployment, actually benefit first hand from tax payments. Such is a democracy and I think that is a good thing.

But, April 15th is also my fathers birthday. My daddy is still monumental in my life. When we were young, my mother did most of the child rearing, and discipline, she took care of our needs. Dad was more of a background kind of dad. But the times when it was just us girls (my sister and I are the only kids) and dad, those were cherished times. My sister and I still giggle when we talk about days with dad.

With only two girls, no boys, and being raised hunting and fishing, there was really no other way than to take your girls and that is what my dad did. He could be harsh and gruff, or soft as a kitten and he really didn't know what to do with us when we shed a tear.
One of the hunting trips my sister and I recall often is when dad got us up in the wee hours of the morning to take us deer hunting. We were young, tired, not sure about hunting anything, and bored out of our minds. I remember sitting on the top of the hill, on an uncomfortable rock, and waiting. It was a bit chilly and we began to complain, 'How looong til we see a deer?' But Dad would shush us. 'You'll scare them all away.' Daddy I'm coooold.' 'Here put on my shirt. But be quiet.' He would be patient with us, but as the day wore on, he would get more aggravated.
My sister and I would horse around and get rowdy. Not sure how he ever thought he would get a deer. And I am sure mom was home with her feet up and a good movie she could watch all the way through.
Then my sister began looking at rocks, and nature things. No matter where we went camping, my sister loved bringing home bits of nature. Pretty rocks, snake skins, animal bones, and plants. Once she begged to bring home a tiny cactus that was in the shape of a heart, my parents agreed and when they sold their house this past summer, that thing had grown to enormous proportions and nearly taken over a potion of their yard.
On this particular trip, my sister spied some long white hollow sticks. We just knew they had to have come from an animal. When my sister showed my dad, he explained they were porcupine quills. 'Awesome!'
My sister held them until her fingers hurt. She wanted them as a souvenir. As the day dragged on and the afternoon heat was setting in, dad decided it was time to retreat from our unsuccessful day of hunting. And we began hiking back to our SUV below.
My sister could not hike and carry the sharp quills at the same time. I think I recall my dad telling her to toss them. But they were too cool to just discard like that!
My dad always carried a dark red mechanics rag when we were fishing or hunting. He had one in his back pocket as we hiked. He pulled it out, and wrapped the quills carefully in the rag, preserving them for my sister. She beamed thinking about how her Friends would react when she returned home. We hiked a little more and although my memory is fried from too much night school, it seems we stopped to have a sandwich my dad had made and packed for lunch.
When my dad handed out our sandwiches and settled on a large rock to eat his own, the quills punched their way through the red rag, through his jeans and right smack into his backside.
Oh the fire in his eyes! The rage of a father... who didn't want to take the quills home in the first place, who was frustrated with two daughters who were clearly not interested in hiking or hunting, tired from rising so early in the a.m. and then, to be pierced in his more sensitive bits by aforementioned sharp quills. He blew his top! Threw them on the ground, said they were not going any further and we were gong home.
Thinking back to this day makes my sister and I giggle to no end. I don't remember much more of the day, I cant tell you if the quills made it home or not... I do know that neither I, nor my sister said another word on the hike back to the car. We just gave each other that knowing smile that sisters in trouble do.. best to let dad simmer on his own time.
But these are memories. This is but one short story of times spent with my dad, memories to be cherished forever. When we have family get-together like we will have this weekend, sometimes these stories come up. Sharing with my own children helps me to share my dad with them.
There is something to be said for a father of girls. and my dad is the best!

My parents on on their way to my house for the weekend as I write this and we are so excited to see them. Maybe I will share more anecdotes from my childhood her on my blog in the next few posts.
But today with this story, I celebrate my close relationship with my dad. And wish him a very Happy 65th Birthday!
Love you dad!

Holidays

I find it kinda crazy that there are three holidays in this one weekend... Friday the 13th the day before the biggest love day of the year? Crazy stuff.
Valentines Day is a sweet day to tell the people that you love, how you feel about them. But I think that this is something you should do everyday, or everyday that you are in contact with them. Including yourself.
My parents will have been married 44 years this month. That is no small feat! They have taught me a lot about love, about couples, and about loving everyday no matter the outlying factors of life. My parents argue a lot, usually small stuff like which road to take, which relative said what at the last reunion, etc. But it is never a question how they feel about each other. It is also very apparent how they care about my sister and I. We are a close family and everyday is Valentines Day for us.
One year ago today I had been dating a man for about four months, I felt a bit of a connection and loved spending time with him, but things didn't seem to be progressing like they should. Still I was a bit shocked when he just seemed to fall off the face of the earth. I had purchased some fun things for him for Valentines Day, nothing real romantic (I now see that I really didn't feel a romance with him) and was waiting to hear from him what we might do for the holiday. Finally, after an entire week without so much as a text message, I called him. I hate to involve my children in my Roller Coaster love life so I pulled to the side of the road to make the call. He answered but seemed distant...long story short,I got dumped! On Valentines Day!!!
But it sounds worse than it actually was. We just weren't meant to be. What made it awkward? I had a card, a cute Chinese takeout box filled with candy- and didn't know what to do with it? It didn't feel right to eat it, nor throw it out. And so it sat in my bedroom for a few months- a constant reminder of my time with him and my foolishness not to see how he was feeling... But then I seemed to be feeling the same way. So I wondered, why hadn't I told him? I suppose it was better to be with a so-so love than none at all.
Another lesson learned.
This year? Goin' out with a girlfriend and it just might turn out to be one of my best Valentines Day's yet!
Happy Friday the 13th, Valentine's Day (tell those you love just how much you do!) and what the heck- Happy Presidents Day too! This year I will be home to spend it with the kids.
Mom, Dad, I love you more than words can ever say! and I miss you!
Tonja, who could ask for a better sister. I love you too.
All extended friends and family who might pass by this blog. I love you all!!!
Kisses and Hugs

Mom and Daughter Bonding

With my son gone, and my daughters oh so busy with all their work and extracurricular activities lately, I decided we should have some girl time.

After sleeping in a little bit and my CBS Sunday morning fix, with the cup o' Joe, I asked the girls if they were up for a short hike to the falls.

Just about 2 miles up the road from our house is are the foothills of Mt. Timpanogas. There is a trail that leads to the marking on the mountain for the high school letter. Just south of that trail there is a trail that leads to a very beautiful waterfall. Although my daughters have hiked this trail many times, I had never been. So we ventured out.

As you can see by this picture as we had just started out my youngest, on the right, was not too keen on the thought of actual exertion. According to her, she was excited about the bonding time, but she was not the outdoorsy type.

Her idea of outdoors is camping and sitting by a campfire- not actually hiking in to look at scenery. (Translation- exercise was not her thing.) I give her props for going anyway. Even if she looks as if she just found out that she has to repeat all of her high school history classes or something!

And she looks as though she really wants to get this over with.... am I wrong?

She was like 20 paces ahead for most of the beginning of the hike... then she slowed back as the trail got steeper.

Isn't this gorgeous? Would be even better if I had used a better camera, but even this Instamatic was on loan from my daughter. So this is the best you get.

You will just have to imagine the colors about 10 times more vivid- like those old Kodak Kodachrome commercials of the 70's and 80's...

And then we saw water-

There is something to be said for the sound of rushing water in nature.

This is my church- this, in my opinion is as close to God as you can get. I'm not going to get all prophet on you. Just love the feeling of peace and contentment you can feel in nature.

The girls informed me that this pretty little cold as the arctic pool was where my son and his scout troop held their own version of the Polar Bear club swimming in the dead of winter when they were mere children of 13 or so.

Brrrrr !!!!!!!!!

Some things it is better that a mother not know until much later when she can do nothing but sigh..

I took this one in order to show the absolutely breathtaking colors of autumn (today is the first day of autumn) in Utah. again, if I had a fancy Schmancy camera, you could see what we saw. But still, beautiful.

A view of the valley below. There is still farmland in Utah county- who'da thunkit?!

You can just see Utah lake.

sigh! again.

and then the falls--

We took a few pictures using the timer function on the camera... no small feat as that hill is steeper than it looks...

And when you only have 10 seconds.... you cant always get your best view.

My best side!- Or not

These little critters were EVERYWHERE!

They were cute as ever! Can you spot him? He is wearing his camo-

Sorry he is a little fuzzy- Get it? Caterpillar ....fuzzy....?

Oh I crack myself up!

ahh these cuties will do anything for their mother... even climb over rocks in an ice cold river, risking falling in and freezing their little wet patooties off... even forcing a smile when 'Outdoors is not their thing!'

I love my girls!

And what my younger daughter calls the adventurous one, took off across the river for a better view!

Note: This water is only about 5 inches deep.

However, it is moving pretty rapidly. And its COLD!

A view from the top!

Of the waterfall that is...

Approximately 20 feet or so...

Now you can see some of those colors!

And the pool below.

'The adventurous one' looks over the edge.

White water flowing over mossy rocks.

Nature at its finest.

Another smaller waterfall a little higher on the mountain.

Hmmm....Enter man. Ugly!

On the way back down I saw this cave-like hole in the hill, I had somehow missed on the way up. Coming down you are a little less conscious of your breathing and more aware of the beauty.

We couldn't help but wonder if any critters had used this for shelter.. or if it was just plain a hole-in-the-wall.

It was a nice afternoon....

Sarah Palin and Public School in Utah

I'm not one to get political in discussions usually, I am a very liberal minded independent. Which is a rare find in the state of Utah. And, well, I don't push my views on others. But I do stand behind my own convictions.
Please bear with me as I am going to get just a wee bit political today.
How can I help but get my panties in a bunch, with recent events such as permission slips and politics. How do they relate, you may be asking yourself? Here is how:

A few nights ago, my youngest daughter, came in late at night, as teenagers are known to do, to ask me to sign a permission slip. This is the same permission slip that I sign every year for each of my children. And, as my oldest daughter is aiming for a career in the medical field, many of her classes each, require this same slip to be signed by a parent.
This permission slip is for sexually oriented curriculum. Not sex education, just what the various Utah county school districts deem to be sexual material. I understand the fact that not everyone is going to agree on this issue, I also realize that there are a lot of conservatives in the state I live in who would like to see no curriculum at all.

But let me explain my point of view on this subject.
The consent form has as follows: At the top of the page there are 6 topics, with a small check box next to each of them.

Topics are as follows:
*Reproductive Anatomy ___ *Contraception, including condoms
*Human Reproduction ___ *HIV/AIDS
*Sexually Transmitted Diseases ___ *Information on self-exams

I was ecstatic! I was so glad to hear that they will actually teach more than abstinence in class. Alas it was a short lived excitement, as only a few boxes were checked off to be taught and - contraception was crossed out and replaced with abstinence. Even all important 'self-exams' was not checked off, thus not to be taught. Can someone please explain to me why it is not a good idea to teach this to our teens who are 1-2 years from becoming adults themselves. Even if they were to abstain until marriage- isn't it a good idea to know all the facts about your body and sexuality that you can before that time?

The lower portion of the form goes on with four options for parents.

They can:

1. Grant all permissions for their child to attend the classes for the above mentioned curriculum.(this was my choice)

2. Grant all permissions for their child to attend the classes for the above mentioned curriculum excluding the discussion of contraception or condom use

3. Make arrangements with the school to review the material before they make a decision.

4. Deny permission for said course- with the understanding that the parent will take the responsibility to teach the curriculum to their child within state guidelines.

I love that the parents get options as to what/how our children can/will learn. What I don't like, is, that the options given, are not options, they also are chosen by the state, based on which boxes are checked, and thus not all available to students, even with parental consent.
Contraceptive use, is not checked, not taught.

Sexually transmitted diseases is actually crossed out and re-written as communicative diseases, (Am I undertanding this to mean that, if some 'heathen teen' has it, you know how not to contract it by touching them, rather than thinking that our own child may just BE the one to contract it by having unprotected sex! it can happen)

I am an 'open door' type parent, I have discussed sex, contraception and hormonal tendencies with my kids openly. So whatever the school may teach, my kids may have already learned about it. But, In my opinion, it is always good for kids to learn all there is to know and from more than one source. Education is the key.

I understand that there are those who believe that abstinence is the only answer. That sex before marriage is wrong. I know where they are coming from, abstinence is always the safest choice. But not the probable choice of most teens. For those who will not choose to abstain (case in point Sarah Palin's teenage daughter) education and options need to be available to them prior to them being placed in a posibefore they find themselves in the inevitable situation where they are faced to make a decision. A decision that may change thier whole life. And may or may not make the decisions that we as parents, know to be the better choices. And we can only hope they make the wisest.

I, as a young teen, chose not to abstain. I was not a bad child, I was never in trouble. I helped with chores, got decent grades, had good friends, didn't stay out late, didn't party, use drugs or alcohol, I was in bed pretty early most nights.
But- when I met my now ex-husband, I was only 15. I was stubborn and I was in love.
Love, to a 15 year old is certainly not what love is at 30. And although I knew it was not the best choice- it was still the choice I made. And I had consequences to face for that decision, consequence that may have been avoided had I been a little more educated.

If someone can hold out those emotions until they are married to someone, more power to them. I think that is very noble. It is just not 100% across the board probable, not even close.
The last thing in the world that I would want for my children, would be to follow in my footsteps and become sexually active before they are ready, I was not ready. But my intelligent, beautiful girls, are going to be making some tough decisions in their lives, in the near future. And I as their parent, can only guide them to make the right decisions, and pray that they do. And yet support them if they do not.

I want them to know everything. Curiosity killed the cat they say. I - was a curious teen. I wanted to know what all the hype was about. I- was not educated about sex. So, I learned it by doing it. All my friends were having sex, TV and movies made it sound glamorous, I wanted to know. I am absolutely sure that my girls are exposed to the same pressures as I was, maybe more. We talk all the time. I know which of their friends are sexually active, I know where my kids are at night. (As for my post re: my daughter being out all night, I can only say, I am not perfect. And neither are they)

Right next to Education in my book, is communication. we communicate with others everyday! Co-workers, spouses, the guy at Starbucks making our cup of coffee. Why then, is it so hard to talk to the people we gave birth to? The children we are responsible for. I am going to say- this is yet one more area where the single parent is faced with a few more challenges than your average couple may be.
1. Single parents go it alone. You talk to your kids, because if you don't, who will?.
2. Single parents can't be home all the time- children of single parents are often left alone more often due to work obligations (often, more than one job, or extra hours), dating, spreading time between siblings events, etc.
3. The 'Daddy Complex', this doesn't always apply- but one challenge that I am weary of being faced with is, the daddy complex, with thier father so far away and contact with him being limited to a few phone calls a year, I fear that my girls will go looking for the male subject to fill that void in their life. This has been accentuated by the fact that my son is no longer living at home.
None of us, as parents, want to know that our teens are sexually active,(just ask Sarah Palin) or into drugs, or alcohol, smoking, or any other unsafe or illegal activity.
But the fact of the matter is, like it or not, they will be exposed to these things. Television is full of ads for erectile dysfunction, with promiscuous activity both in and out of marriage, Movies are able to take content to further extent. Keeping it from them is not only not an easy option, but also, in my opinion, not a smart choice. Explanation and education, again is the best focus. As parents, our job, is to educate and communicate. Supporting our children when they don't make the right choices. What an awful thing it would be for a teen, that not only may they have made some wrong choices in their life, but to be left alone to deal with them when parents cant be supportive.

All of this leads me to - As parents, it is up to us, individually, to decide how to teach or not teach our own children and teens. The school classes are only one more tool. One that I should be able to, as a parent, use or not use. All curriculum should be available, as the option of their child attending is ultimately up to us. It is not solely the schools responsibility to educate our children on sexual or other challenges they may face, but it can be a great tool. It is up to us, as parents to use every resource available to ensure that our children know everything there is to know, so that they are not curious enough to find out on their own. Knowledge does not make them sexually active, But lack of it may prevent them from being safe about it.

Just as the D.A.R.E. program http://www.dare.com/home/default.asp educates students about everything there is to know about drug use and its effects, in my opinion it too is an abstinence program. But, teaching abstinence for drug use, doesn't mean that they tell the students 'just don't do it.' Explaning to students, the TYPES of drugs, the EFFECTS of drugs, the ways to avoid PEER PRESSURE of drug use, doesn't make them want to try drugs, but rather more reason to abstain. And the same is true for sexual education.