Penalties imposed for doing the right thing?

For the past twenty two years, I have worked full-time.

For the past thirteen years, I have been a single mother.
For ten of those years I have been a full-time or part-time college student. For all of those years, finances have been a stress in my life.

Making it financially is hard for new couples just beginning life together. The economic downswing making it that more difficult.
Being a single parent adds to the stress both financially and in workload  vs hours in the day. There are not enough hours in the day for most full-time employees, more so for working parents, and even more so for single parents who work. If you attend night school, God help you.

But that has been the life I have led for a long time.

Recently I graduated from night school. And some time was freed up. The older my kids get, the less they demand of me too. I was unlucky enough to finish night school just as the jobless rates increased. I was also lucky enough to work for three companies who in turn held huge lay-offs in order to cut costs and/or send manufacturing to foreigners to save money.

I have written about surviving in an 'old boys club' field of work. And about juggling motherhood and single parenthood. I have written here about struggling to complete my own school studies while helping the kids with theirs.

I have also written about my school project on the differences between the wages of men and women when comparing the equal education and experience levels.

I have fought a long struggle, I have made the money I have worked for and earned work for me. Both combined with my child support and also in times when I was receiving none. I have made it through. I have one more child to get through school.

I have never qualified for any assistance, government or otherwise. I have done it all on my own.
Nothing reduced, nothing paid for me. (albeit the occasional save from my family when an appliance broke down)

I have rarely complained.

However this article got my attention.

http://www.businessweek.com/careers/workingparents/blog/archives/2009/06/the_motherhood.html

I have heard the stories often.

A full-time working mother struggling to make ends meet, needs just a leg-up, a small subsidy to help pay a medical bill, or put some food on the table for the month... a reduced price for her kids public school fees or lunches. Just a small supplement to aid her while she is doing all she can to survive.. and she is told:

I cannot help you. You do not qualify. You make too much money. But if you quit your job and go on full assistance, we can qualify you for everything!

This is a broken system. I do not know how to fix it. But I have lived it.

What are solutions?

Why do we penalize those who work hard.

Why are you penalized for being a woman? ( my thoughts on the reason this one was put into place was when women were thought of as the supplemental income- which is really not the case these days)

Why are we penalized for being working mothers? Mothers who tend to give 110% as they feel guilty if they need any extra time off.

and

Why are we penalized when we give all we have to make our kids, our employers, our instructors and our own selves happy in every hour of every day?

I have never taken a sick day just because my child was sick, I made other arrangements.
I have never asked for more time on my school assignments because I am too busy with my kids or life. Most of my teachers didn't even know I was a mother or single.
I never qualified or lied in order to qualify for reductions or waiver of food, fees, bills, etc. I went without and my kids went without the latest gadgets and things we would certainly love to have but could not afford.

We made it through and I think my kids are better for it. They know the value of a dollar, they understand and are sympathetic of those things they went without. But it doesn't make it any easier on a parent knowing they did all they could and still could not provide all they wished they could.

But why the mistreatment? Why penalties are imposed on those working to make it better, I will not know.

Crazy life

So why is it that every time I write a post about a positive turn in my life, something happens that evens it all out again and reminds me of how twisted my life actually is?

The reason I started this blog was to vent about just how Topsy-turvy my life can get. When I would speak with co-workers or friends about my roller coaster life, they would say: ' You should write that down, no one would believe that one person could have a life that crazy.'

When I read over past posts here, I realize it has not changed. It is just in print now.

The latest news is that I am once again among the unemployed. It was not a complete surprise. My boss just did not 'get me'. That is a really frustrating position to be in. I was hired into a certain position, we discussed my strengths and I thought I understood what it was that they expected of me. I did it. There were some overwhelming periods. Not necessarily because the work itself was hard.

The company as a whole was disorganized. None of the SOP's or procedures explained in a clear concise manner the companies procedures.
My boss was inconsistent. On each of my projects it seemed that I would do what he had expected on the last one, and it would be too much or too little.
There was a lot of finger pointing at the management level. This was often discussed among the employees but nothing was done for fear of retaliation.
Almost all employees were working far over the forty hour work week. The engineers were all in their twenties with young families. The long hours were not because we were overwhelmed with work. Disorganization, disagreement on how things should be done among managers, and repeating work unnecessarily were the common reasons.
Around Christmas time my boss and I spoke of my work flow, my competency and his opinion of my work thus far.

He was concerned, he stated that he had seen no progress in the area they had hired me to do. I was stunned. I had been working so diligently over the past eight months feeling as though I had exceeded his expectations.
I can tell you it is a horrible feeling to walk into a superiors office with a feeling of excitement, anticipating the praise for all your hard work, and getting punched in the ego.

It was then that I created a time line of the projects, the tasks and the changes I would make. We both signed it. In the past few months I have nearly completed the list. I have completed multiple projects not included in the list. I have played the management ping-pong when each had a different viewpoint as to how those tasks should be completed.

One being my boss, the other, a quality manager who will be defending my work against the FDA auditors who could potentially close the business if discrepancies are found in an audit.

Every day was stress. Everyday I would come home exhausted. Everyday I would get snippy with my kids after a long day. And add to that a long hour and a half commute each way through congested traffic.

It was not a great place to work, and I could feel that the gauntlet was ready to fall.

Yesterday I was called in. The hard work I stressed over, the projects I lost sleep over, were not enough. They were eliminating my position.

I have never had such a communication issue with a superior. I have always had exceptional employment reviews, and I honestly felt a bit of relief losing that job. Many of my coworkers passed me their information and asked me to keep them in mind they are all nervous and stressed.

I understand that a good part of the nation is out of work and don't know when they will see their next paycheck and losing a good job is nothing to sneeze at. But I am not programmed to feel so out of touch.

I feel confident that something better will come of this. Something closer to home. Something that I can feel confident I am contributing to.

The last week of April, I had been contacted by a previous director and I have had my first interview for a job under him. He is confident in my design skills and there is a chance I will get it. If not, I have many colleagues who have offered recommendations and the job opportunities are filling my inbox.

I really think that this is one of those blessings in disguise, but I sure wish it could have been me telling THEM that it was not working out.


For now, maybe I can catch up on my reading of the blogs I love, and the writings here. Also my son is still here for a week. He leaves on Mothers Day. Another blessing to be sure spending more time with him.


Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone. ( Am I allowed to celebrate if I have not a Mexican gene in my family?)

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. ~Erma Bombeck

Single mothers are often faced with the dilemma making the paychecks or the support stretch enough to cover the monthly bills, put food on the table and keep the kids clothed and warm. To do anything extra, anything out of the norm, can really be too expensive to even think about doing. Birthday parties, Christmas and other holidays could be financially draining.

Then trying to explain to young kids why it is possible for other families to take week long vacations to Disneyland, Six Flags or even more elaborate places such as Europe or Mexico.

We have taken many road trips, droven to local and semi-local parks and sites. It was an inexpensive way to get out of town, see things we can't see at home, and spend some real quality time together. Many good times and a lot of great memories have been made.

Most every year I would receive a decent tax refund; enough that we could plan small trips. And most every one of those years, something unexpected. would come up. We were glad to have the money, when repairs were needed. But we vacations always seemed to get postponed or forgotten. Would have been fun to see some of the places the kids were learning about in school.

During the past thirteen years we were able to take a few great trips.

The year of my divorce, my parents had worked out a trip to Disneyland for my sister, and I and our families. It was a great reprieve from the stresses for us all. And I was so grateful to my parents.







A few years after that trip, my children took a really long road trip with my ex's parents. They drove through the Yukon and up to Alaska to see their dad for a week. I hope they were old enough that they will remember that time forever.





Five years ago, we were lucky enough to save up enough money for the four of us to take a longer road trip to Las Vegas. It was perfect timing when Vegas was running marketing towards children and families and creating a real family atmosphere.




We rode amusement park rides, toured museums (including Madame Tussauds ),  we toured the casinos and ate some great food. Thanks to Hotels.com and some pre-planning, we were able to see and do a lot on a small budget.
We even ran into a free art show of some 3D art in Caesar's Palace mall. The internet is a great source of information from other frugal parents and their tips. We got a suite  off the main strip cheaper than the big hotels and were able to cook some of our own meals in our room also saving money.

The last trip we have taken, also a road trip was nearly across the entire country. Three years ago, my son graduated from Basic training for the army the summer between his junior and senior years of high school. He called and said that we were invited to his graduation, or he could just fly home.

I decided right then, we would find a way to get there to pick him up and watch him march on this very important day. And we did.

The girls and I were able to drive through eleven states, see some of the most famous sights of this country, we stayed one night with a friend and many inexpensive hotels.

We watched his ceremony and he saw much of the country with us on the way home from Kentucky. It is a trip we will never forget.



 And now, in less than a week, we will be embarking on our first trip to the islands. My parents are celebrating their landmark 45th wedding anniversary and once again, my parents are making it possible for my sister, I and all of our children to take a cruise to some really beautiful places to help them celebrate. My son won't be able to come as he is still serving our country across the globe. And we will miss having him there. But we are so excited to spend some time together in some really gorgeous scenery.

It seems that things are appreciated more when they are well earned and infrequent. I will miss them so much when they are grown and on their own, and I cherish all of these moments with my children, my parents and my sister. Life is short.

I don't want a moment to pass by without all of my family knowing how I feel, the beach will make it even better!

Uphill both ways

My most impressionable years were in the nineteen-seventies and nineteen-eighties. With my younger years being impressed upon by prime-time television families such as the Brady Bunch, eight is enough and wonder years. Later in my teens, there was a little more independence with big hair, neon clothing and MTV.

At the time, we were unaware of just how great things were. I didn't grow up in an upper class family and we were barely in the middle class but in the eighties, in my small town, it did not matter. We spent hours ratting our hair into huge styles, guys included. We spent hours on end at the local shopping mall. However, money was not important to most of us. Most fun could be found on a dime.

Fun for us would be riding our bikes across town to see friends, stopping in at the school sports meets, or just plain driving around town saying hello to friends who worked in the local hang-outs. Just plain 'hanging out'. Life was just easy.

Cheap cut-off shorts, tee shirts, stretch leggings and high top tennis shoes and you were in fashion. Friends were not worried about what you paid for your clothing, more so about what cute boys would we see while walking the mall.

We didn't spend hours on end in front of the computer because most of us didn't own one. When cable TV came about, we spent a lot of hours watching MTV or HBO but it was usually reserved for Friday and Saturday nights relaxing after being out building forts all day in an empty lot.

Kids today, including my own, cant understand how we ever got along without the technology of today. As a single mother on a budget, my kids have never had the latest gadgets. A few years ago I broke down and added a line to my cell phone account for all my kids to share the line in case we were in a crowded venue or if they ventured out on their own and needed a safety net. Within the first few months, my oldest daughter had run up a $1200 bill calling and texting with friends. Lesson learned. She still has a phone, as do my other two, but a $25 unlimited plan has saved my sanity. There is just no way to control that. What would she say if she were tethered to a cord?! Or limited to a 15 min phone call as my parents would allow- god forbid!

I think of myself as a technologically savvy mother, I work in 3D design on a computer for a living. And well, I blog you know. But I cant help but see the huge gap between my and my kids generations. I can recall conversations from my past with my parents when I was younger. They would tell me that I had it pretty good. And, well, I did! And my children more so.

My children will not know this until they possibly have children of their own. They will also never know what it is like to do a school book report by actually reading a book or encyclopedia at the library. Google, to them, is the library. They will never know what it is like to build clubs and forts in the empty lot next door. Population growth has left few empty lots, and those few that are left are littered with no trespassing signs probably due to vandalism or injuries resulting in lawsuits. And they will never know what it is like to just hang out- this does not in any way sound fun to them. Cruising main street?! what?

I wish my kids could experience the swimming in a watering hole, swimming in cut-off shorts as I did as a teen. digging in the dirt or snow in order to make clubhouses... not these new fangled dollhouses that are miniature mansions. I wish they could experience more of the simple things I did in my youth. Maybe my parents feel the same.

I have done my best to instill in them, the value of money, and hard work at the same time showing them some of the best things life has to offer free of charge. And we have done a lot! Just wish there was more time for more. Without a phone stuck to their ear.

I would never spend hundreds of dollars on a hair cut, I would never buy a pair of $200 shoes. But time together, in our cut-offs at a swimming hole or fishing pond, soaking up the sun, that my friends is priceless.- Seriously- ever been to a crash derby? or a rodeo?

As a single mother you could say we have always been in a deficit, we have always needed a stimulus plan, and we have not wanted for anything because all that matters is us.

I'm still here.

I have not been blogging for a while, I apologise, things are busy at work, money is tight, wondering how to make it through Christmas and well, been kinda lazy too.

I have started a couple of posts, one of them was in reference to the comment I made about Dred Scott. The girls and I were lucky enough to work out a trip across the country to pick up my son from his basic training the summer of 2007 and among the sites that we saw on the trip was an exhibit at the courthouse in St Louis, MO. At the base of the Arch in St. Louis just a block from the cardinals stadium stands the 'old courthouse' where the trials of Dred Scott were held. Dred Scott, (which I didn't know until this trip) was the first black American slave to sue the national courts for his freedom. Even though he was awarded his freedom, he passed away before that verdict was reached. I am a history buff, and it was all fascinating to me. I would still like to complete that post as I would like to preserve some of the memories of the trip. But that is for another day.

I also had many thoughts of blogging about finances, and how it can take the seasonal spirit right out of you.. however isn't it funny how things just always work out? And you have spent all that time worrying? It is crazy- most of my life after the divorce, I have been on a tight budget and many times found myself in a spot where I could not see a way out. And yet, things work out.
Someone must be watching out for me. Last Christmas, I was in such a tight spot that I didn't think I could pay my house payment, let alone buy any Christmas for my kids. They are such great kids, and they help me out so much, always so understanding. They actually said, 'don't worry about it mom, you don't need to get us anything. Its OK' Oh My! what kids say that? What teenagers say that? It just makes you all the more want to give them everything and more.
Everything worked out as it always does. A group of people that a friend knows got together and took up a collection and helped out. I was a little bit embarrassed. Being a single mother, I strive to be all I can be to them. I don't like to take handouts or favors, I feel an overwhelming need to do it all myself. But, I know that sometimes we all need a leg up... and I am grateful. and humbled from the help I received. I could never find the right words to tell them thank you and mean it as strongly as their help has meant to me.
This year, I am better, not all better, I will still have to do a lot of bargain shopping and really budget, but Christmas is more about the people and the family and the time together than the presents anyway. It sounds cliche' to say but we are such a tight knit family, it is true in our case. With my parents being 300 miles away this year, and my sister being in Wyoming, this year more than ever will be about catching up.

I don't blog much about work, I know there can be fine lines drawn between work and personal. Yesterday two fellow employees (and friends) were let go. I don't know a lot of the details but considering we are a small company of about 30 employees, that makes your heart stop. I am no longer living paycheck to paycheck but have yet to replenish my savings. Makes things a little bit unnerving. So pray for us.

And last- I have been cooking up a storm with comfort foods since we have been having more and more fall weather. I have taken photos with the intentions of blogging.. and I will post them soon. One in particular, I made last night, a wonderful soup. I got the recipe from a good friend. but considering it is his 'secret recipe' thought i better get his approval before sharing with the world. I'll keep you posted.

And I promise to do my best to keep up on this blog....

Single Parent woes

Today is not a happy day. I have a feeling there are quite a few single parents who may be able to relate to that. I am a college graduate, I work a full-time job and make enough to pay the bills. Thing is, there are so many outlying factors that keep me from paying the bills, at least on time.
Every time I think I have my head above water, another unexpected issue crops up.
School fees (for PUBLIC school no less) racked up to nearly $500 for two teenagers. This number was not including any school supplies, (which came to nearly another $150 for just the required supplies) and did not include any new clothes, back packs, etc.
Luckily for me, they are allowing school fees to be divided out over the year if you cannot afford the lump sum. This leaves me a monthly charge of approximately $200 a month for school fees and school lunch for two.

ok ok enough about my financial woes, but this leads me to more thoughts about single parents these days. Both Fathers and Mothers, day to day facing not just financial challenges, but also struggling to provide a safe and secure household for their children.

I am one of those parents who has my children (now teens) 24/7. It can be so rewarding and a challenge at the same time. I love that my girls are getting a chance to date a few boys in their high school years. I was a shy teen and didn't date as much as I would have liked. I married way to young at the age of 18 (which my son has already surpassed and my daughter is very close to now, and it absolutely boggles my mind to think of how young that now seems) and want so much more for my girls. But dating comes with challenges both for the kids and for a single parent. It is scary when my girls speak of having found the love of their lives and they are so young. And yet, as I have lived that, I can understand the feelings that they are fighting too.

I love being a parent and am so glad that I am young enough to experience with them and to also have such an open relationship with my kids that I feel they can come to me. I hope they can. I am lucky to have the kids that I do, but it is not without challenge. Just 2 more years of raising teens. Not that I am rushing it at all. I love my life. And them.

A word or two about my son. He is in (EOD) training for the US Army in Alabama. I have not been able to speak with him since he arrived in Alabama on Aug 22. The day before his 19th birthday. I miss him terribly. Cant wait for another call from him.

It is not easy raising kids on your own, but it is not any easier letting them go.