I can't even find one I like, let alone share!

Have you seen the new series on TLC Sisterwives?
What do you think?

Growing up in the state of Utah has been interesting. But it was not until I left the state for the first time for more than just a week vacation I realized just how we were perceived. The summer after my senior year of high school. I took a summer job working in Arizona at the North rim of the Grand Canyon. A great job where I had the chance to meet many people from many other states, countries and cultures.

I would often ask questions starting with where they were traveling from and my naive seventeen year old sheltered brain took in a lot. An occasional visitor from Europe or Asia might infer my origin also. And although it is just North of Arizona, many had never heard of it. Utah. It was interesting the number of people who actually thought that Utah was an island, with its own species of people. huh? wha?

And yet others shocked me when they actually asked me if I had horns! True story! Unbeknown to me at the time, Utah has been akin to many myths and even some strange truths....Here is one website that discusses the oddities.
things that make you go hmmm

Let me attempt to explain just a few of the things I have a first hand accounting with:

Horns? No we do not have horns (or tails for that matter) hidden under our hair. Unless you are speaking of the hours immediately following my knowledge of my ex's infidelity, I cannot promise there were no visible signs of horns.. or a tail.. or possibly steam emanating from my ears.

Utah is one big commune/ cult: No, we do not belong to a cult that is locked in by ten foot tall cement walls holding us in while we raise children born from sex with cousins, brothers and uncles.
I cannot tell you how many times I was asked that summer: How many mothers do you have?

All Utahns have multiple wives / mothers: No. I love my mother very much, she is my light. There is a 2% population of polygamists in the state which leads be back to the new show airing on TLC.

Do Utahns wear funny underwear? Mormon practice, is that when a couple is sealed in a ceremony in the temple, they receive garments. These garments are white undergarments meant to cover the body (temple) of the practicing Mormon. I am not a member of the faith and I do not have the specifics. However, in answer to the question: No Utahan's based on our geographic location do not wear funny underwear. Unless you are speaking of those candy cane imprinted long john, drop seat lingerie my ex husband sprung on me during a family gift exchange that one Christmas... now that was funny underwear!

Sisterwives.
Although I was raised in the state of Utah, it wasn't until I was home from my summer in Arizona on a family trip to a local mine, when I had my first encounter with a polygamist family. I would not have known they were a plural family, they appeared as any other large family, were it not for their excessively modest attire and archaic hair styles. The young boys were wearing plain colored pants and overalls with white button-up shirts. The girls in floor length dresses with a turtleneck of lace to their chins. I remember thinking how hot they must be in the summer sun with long sleeves covering every bit of skin down to their wrists. A few of the young girls had shorter dresses or short sleeves which were worn over pants, thick tights and long sleeve undershirts.
The girls wore braids that ran the length of their backs, the boys looked as though they had visited the local barber in Walnut grove. They stood out. They were different. They were even more covered than the Mormon long shorts created in order to cover those 'funny undies'.

As the years went by I learned a little more about the followings of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ which is a different religion entirely from the Mormon faith they are often associated with. Although the Mormon- Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, followed the law and changed its outlook on polygamy and plural marriages some 100 years ago, there was a time they practiced and even encouraged the practice.

The Fundamentalist church has been in the news more recently with the antics of Tom Green, and even more so with the incarceration of  Warren Jeffs.

I have learned along with the rest of the nation. The latest 'coming out' of a polygamist Utah family, the Brown's, on TLC's sisterwives interested me. The Browns live less than ten miles from me and I would not have known had their lives not been portrayed to the world on this series.
I watched along with the nation, curious to see inside this compelling and shocking unknown world. We all wonder, how could those women so that? How could one man be so arrogant as to think he needs or deserves more than one woman in his life? Those women must be brainwashed, emotionally abused and beaten down.
And then I watched.
What I saw was a glimpse of what we all strive for. A healthy, happy, structured family. A family so full of love for each other you feel it in your bones just seeing the interaction.
Watching the show I felt a little like a voyeur, a little uncomfortable as I was quick to judge.
I could not live the lifestyle.
I can not seem to find a man I would be able to live with. I cannot imagine sharing one with others. But these women - and the children, and Cody, the father all seem so happy and centered.
Despite the 2% of the population of practicing polygamists in this state alone ( they don't all reside in the state of Utah) it is still an illegal practice. And the Brown family has faced a lot of adversary by coming out. One wife lost her job, they faced a criminal investigation, at least one of the daughters changed schools. What courage.

"If we raise productive, contributing members of society who are moral and ethical, that's our final goal, whatever their path is," People quotes Janelle, who has six children with Kody, as saying.

Thing is, the world needs more love. And the Brown's are overflowing with it. Of course I realize this is a television show and not all emotions and issues will be shown but as the mother of three children who have been through the horror of divorce and an absent father most of their lives, it is nice to see a loving family.
As in the case of Warren Jeffs and other cases pending in the state wherein forced marriages between older man and under-aged girls,  I cringe at the thought. But that is another scenario entirely. I cannot comment on the series 'Big love' which aired on HBO.
If a man has more than one 'wife' in his bed, but raises happy, healthy children is he perceived by the law to be better? or worse than a man who is not married, but has planted his seed and impregnated multiple women on his drunken or drug laden escapades.
When deciding whether to prosecute, I believe we must think first of the children. Those who are not old enough to make the decisions on their own. Rather than consenting adults showing no signs of abuse.
This is a fine line. This is a controversial issue. This is not a Utah issue. There are many religions and cultures which practice plural marriages, both in the US and abroad.
When is it considered abuse?
When is it at the detriment of the women? The children?
Would it be different with multiple men?
Was Julius Caesar a poly? Ali Baba?
What are your thoughts?

Part three of my story- Then a break.

Going back to school following the birth was not as hard as I had imagined. Even the girls who just didn’t understand my choices were very supportive. It was not difficult to see the babies in the nursery or in their mother’s arms in class. I was ok with this. I had done it.

T and I continued to date. We discussed how different we felt. How immature people our own age seemed to us now. We had experienced something that many adults had not. We survived it. Life went on. 

The teachers at my school created a panel of young mothers. The panel was to speak at some other local schools. Students in the local junior high schools ranging in ages between 12 and 15 would be able to attend a Q&A session with the young mother group. Because my situation was different and uncommon I was asked to be a part of the panel. The teachers approached me a bit apprehensively as they knew my emotions were still near the surface. They knew that it might be hard for me to discuss in front of a group of kids.

However, I was ecstatic. I had made my decision for adoption not for myself but for my child. Some say it was the most unselfish decision. But when asked to speak on the panel all that I could think of was, if I could help just one girl. I would face any ridicule, any embarrassment, and any emotions to do so.
The day of the panel I will admit, I was a bit uneasy. These kids were young, but could be cruel or possibly judgmental I knew. But there could also be a young person in the room, who may be placed in a similar situation and we could be of some help.

Although the other mothers on the panel were all keeping and raising their children, there was a good mix of personal situations. One girl, the youngest in our group was married but had just given birth to her second child. Another was still pregnant but alone, and no longer with the father. Another woman was in her thirties and was returning to school as a mother not necessarily a young one.  We all had something to bring to the group.

The meeting began pretty slowly. After we were each introduced and our individual situations explained, it was open-forum for questions. The kids were shy to ask questions, the panel was mothers quiet waiting for the questions. And then the questions started. Things like:

Why didn’t you use protection?
Where is the father of the baby?
How old are you?
Is child birth painful?
Is it hard to raise a baby?

I didn’t get a question for a while. I think they were afraid to ask. But once the first child asked me if I missed my baby, the questions began to roll. I took up the rest of the hour (unintentionally) answering questions about adoption.

One thing I remember was how mature the questions seemed. Some asked if abortion had crossed our minds. Honest truth is, I think it crosses your mind no matter where you stand on Roe v. Wade. Many things cross your mind when you are in that situation. It is a scary thing. You are thinking of any way out. It would be so easy to ‘make it go away’. Or maybe not. But it sure crosses your mind.

All-in-all I feel that the panel was very rewarding. For the students who learned the hardships that a quick decision can cost you. And also for the young mothers (not much older than the class) to feel a little less judged by their peers. I do not know if they had to have a parents’ permission to attend the panel meeting, but I hoped not. Or that if they did require it, that the parents saw the benefits and allowed their child to attend. I wish we could have met with every girl- and boy in the state.

I have children of my own now. I am very open with them regarding sex. I certainly hope they do not choose to have sex at such a young age as I did. I sat them all three down when my son was about 12, my daughters were 10 and 9 respectively. I told them everything. I explained what they may be seeing on TV. I explained feelings they may feel in their bodies. I also explained how and when it might be appropriate to act on those feelings. We speak openly still. A parent never knows for sure but I certainly hope that I have made it easier for them to come to me if they feel they are going to engage in sex.I may not be able to stop them. My parents couldn't have stopped me. But I can sure help them make better choices.

I feel very strongly about sex education. Whether they learn it in the schools or at home, and even better if they are getting it in both places. I have posted about it before. I have strong feelings because I have been that teen.

I hope that any parent who is reading this can at the very least see sex education from a different viewpoint. Open your mind some to the possibility of your child being the one who makes a mistake, a poor decision. How will you help them? How can you? Education is the key. Support goes with it.


I am not trying to say my parents were not supportive, nor were they ignorant. But open communication, as hard as it is is very important. I can tell you this with a 99% assurance, If your child tells them that they are sexually active, do not tell them that they need to stop. They won't.

My 3 Most Important Reasons for Living.

A few years ago when I was still attending night school full-time, I took a public speaking class. I actually chose to take it, as a humanities credit. Even though my friend thought I had lost my mind. A lot of my classes were requiring more and more oral presentations, and I figured it was a great way to alleviate some of my stage fright. Also, I might get a few pointers on just HOW to speak clearly and appropriately for an audience.

Those who know me, know that I can chatter away- sometimes endlessly about nonsense.. and well, it carried over into my speech class too. I went over the time limit every time! And not just a minute or two- sometimes 20 minutes. I think it was a mixture of nerves and the fact that I have no idea how to 'wrap it up'. But, the teacher liked what I had to say, and I really enjoyed the class. I want to Share here, one of my favorites.

The class project was to write a toast- it could be anything, you could toast a favorite celebrity, a relative, yourself, make up a best-man's toast, anything really.

I struggled with it for a day or two- Thought of toasting to my parents, and their long happy marriage, or to a friend or two. Then, I remembered my mother telling me about a college English paper she had written. A comparison paper, where she decided to write about my sister and I and how different and yet the same, we really were. And so, I chose my kids.

This was the result: (I got an A+! And, I didn't go over the time limit, good thing I only had three kids.)

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A toast to my children. My Faith, my Strength, my Life.

To Jeremy-
My strong Boy. Both in stature and emotion. I am so proud to say you are my son. It isn’t easy for a mother to let her son get hurt, and it is not easy to hear her son tell her that it isn’t cool when she treats him ‘like a kid’. Some may say a mother makes a son soft. But somehow you found your masculinity and strength.
From the age of 7 Jeremy you have taken it upon yourself to protect and shelter your mother and two younger sisters from the scary world, such as the terrors of bullies, spiders, big dogs, and critical people. I guess it’s not so bad that we have to kill the mice our selves, everyone is entitled to their own fears.
Thank you my son. No matter how old you get to me you will always be the little boy wrapped in my arms humming with me as I rock you to sleep.

But just the same, you are my strength.

To Chantel-
The image of your mother. Tenderhearted, emotional, but also a little strong-willed. You have grown to such a beautiful young woman both inside and out. You would never turn another away; I see how it hurts you when others are callous.
I see young men turning their heads in your direction and it is bittersweet. I know the beauty they see, and I cannot believe that you have grown so fast.
You are a strong girl and can make your brother run in fear with that one certain look in your eye, turn your mother to mush with another, and all the boys turn their heads with that sweet smile & disposition. You were quite a mean spirit in your first few years, who would have known.
You are my Savior.

To Rachel-

Strong willed, independent, creative, and intelligent. You are my baby, the one I wanted to hold the longest. And yet, you were the one who didn’t want to be coddled. An independent beautiful girl. I recall when you were just 5 yrs old. Upset that you were to clean your room. You packed a bandanna with a can of beans, your toothbrush, your pajamas and your teddy. Tied it to a stick, told me you didn’t love me anymore, and with tears in your eyes, stomped out into the world. Of course you only made it around the block and came home crying that you still loved me. But your independent nature and your deep intelligence tell me that you will not stop at a mere walk around the block, I see wonderful things for you.

You are my perseverance.

Parents raise their children so that they may be strong, intelligent, faithful and complete. No-one ever tells you just how much the reverse is true.
We are growing everyday together.
Here’s to my children, my strength, my faith, and my perseverance.
I love you.
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Hope you like it, I wanted to preserve it somewhere and figured this is a good place. Thanks for letting me share.