A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. Bob Hope

Money has been on my mind more than ever lately.

• Being a single parent can make saving money difficult as many times there is barely enough to pay the bills.
• Marrying young can put a real strain on your pocketbook as rookie paychecks and minimum wage doesn't go far.
• Going back to school as an adult can add to the stress of debt unless you are one of the lucky ones who qualifies for waning government assistance.

There was a time I was not what you would call budget savvy. I would open a bill, write a check and send it off. I rarely checked the bill for errors, rarely kept my register up to date or balanced it with my bank statements. And paid the price.

Things got worse when debit cards became my payment of choice. It was an inconvenience to keep good records,  when swiping the card was so quick. I had little ones to raise, school assignments due and house work to keep up with.

But divorce, low single income, and rising costs of raising three kids solo when child support was slow or non-existent forced me to change my bad habits.

Numbers are still not my strong suit. But I have come a long way.

There is no way I would have made it through being unemployed for over a year without being frugal with my expenses and diligent with my bill payments. 

As a society, there are many pressures. Unemployment (for many long-term), insanely high gas prices, ever increasing tax rates, it seems everything is increasing these days. Directly proportional to the decrease in size of almost everything you pay for these days- a large pizza just isn't what it used to be. But I digress.

These pressures have forced us to take a closer look at what we are buying, what we get for the price, how it affects us and how long it will last us.

I have tightened this belt tighter than the smallest notch will allow... and I am not talking about waist size.

Squeezing every last drop out of the turnip of this crazed life. And that turnip is about to run dry. 

_________________

And yet- concurrently, I am doing the best that I can to send three young adults out into this Nation full of debt. And I am not just talking about congressional debt. Although isn't that a horrible example set?
Many citizens themselves are guilty of many of the same habits. Many American's could use a debt ceiling. 

There are bailouts for everything. 

Bankruptcy, credit card debt relief, unbelievably inflated lawsuit payouts.

And many, turn around and do it again as soon as the debt is relieved.

__________________

My own children are learning about budgeting somewhat from the school of hard knocks. I have given them the advice I can. They surprise me with their maturity. That does not mean they do not make poor choices. And just as in every other aspect of their personalities and lives, they are all three different.

My oldest was thrown into the solo living much younger than his sisters. Joining the army at the age of seventeen and with yet another year of high school to complete, he struggled the most. Military bonus's and pay being nearly twice the pay of his fast food employment checks. But it didn't last long with a teenage appetite. Not just food, video games, paintball, the latest movies...etc.

I have to wonder if some of that didn't come from the fact he was raised by a single mother who could not afford a lot of those things.

But now, a true adult, and old enough to vote. We spoke recently, again of budgets and saving and bad choices. He came to me. I am proud of him, just wish he could have seen this sooner. But, he is not in debt.

My second child working a full time job, making a slim check, has had to help out a little more with the finances than I hoped she would have to. She is in debt, a car. But never a late payment. We are working on a budget for her as well. She would like to start school soon. But she is doing tremendously.

And then my youngest. She is a saver. She is working a part time job, saving as much as she can but she will be headed to college herself this fall. A down payment on an apartment, some essentials such as towels and sheets and she is also out of money. For now.

But they know. They know what it is like to struggle, they know that sometimes we just cannot afford it. They know what credit is and what is good or bad about it. They do not use credit cards and neither do I. They know when to say no.

I wonder, when blinded by the thought of the American Dream, how many American's do not understand.

If you cannot afford it, do not buy it. Because you may be in a situation similar to mine some day, and it sure helps not to have a pile of debts to add to the stress.

I am Tired.

Madeline Kahn is one of my all time favorites. I am also a big fan of the slap stick comedy of Mel Brooks.

This morning, this song came to my mind as I awoke from yet another sleepless night. I am tired.

I am tired of interviews

I am tired of job search engines

I am tired of paying the minimum on monthly bills.

I am tired of working deals with creditors.

I am tired of turning friends down for fun/ expensive activities

I am tired of building meals out of what is in the pantry.

I am tired of car problems I can't afford to fix.

I am tired of broken down swamp coolers.

I am tired of pulling weeds.

I am tired of mowing my own lawn.

I am tired of daytime TV

I am tired of saying NO to my kids because I can't afford it.

I am tired of stress.

I am tired of sleepless nights.

I am tired of selling myself over and over.

I am tired of getting rejection letters.

I am tired of scrimping and saving just to pay the bills.

I am tired of .....

Please let this all come to an end soon. I am exhausted. Much like the video above, it was a bit humorous for a while...now it is just tiring!

I think every parent, every generation has wanted their children to do better and have a higher standard of living. But I think there's too much guilt. Phil McGraw

This past year has been a busy one for my youngest daughter.
Her senior year of school has held many activities. School, work, pageants and plays. She has been riding a coaster of emotion. From energized, to overwhelmed and excited to defeated.

She is also fighting with emotions from the past that are deeply embedded. I worry.

Being a single parent has its struggles with finances, time management, discipline and so many other issues regarding child rearing and running of a household solo. I cannot say which is more difficult, arguing with the ex over how child rearing should be done, or an absent father which leaves the burden on the attentive parents shoulders.

I am struggling with the later. Going on 15 years of solo parenting I have worked out quite a n efficient system. However there are still moments I would kill for a support system.
Don't get me wrong, friends and family are great help. But I am not sure that married parents understand what a gift it is to have someone there making the tough decisions regarding their children for and with them.

So many nights I wished for the simple option of leaning on (or being able to call on) the other parent and stating- 'Your turn.' This is not an option for me, nor is it for so many divorced or widowed solo parents in this world. I have mentioned many times on this blog how proud I am of my three children. And I am!

But none of us are perfect and there are lessons to be learned. I am constantly learning to parent at the same time I am trying to relay lessons to my grown children.

The older they get, the harder it is for me as their sole parent. I share experience and knowledge, while they are finding their own individuality and facing their own unknown futures. Oil and water. Stresses of their last years of school, their first years as working class and college students are hard on them. I do my best to stand back and let them figure things out and am at the same time frustrated with poor decisions on their part.
I am the person I am today because of both poor decisions and good. And they will be too. But it is hard to be the parent watching the hurt.

Most recently, conflict is with my youngest. She is strong willed, opinionated, emotional, and independent. An awful lot like her mother. She has struggled the most with her fathers absence. Testing him constantly on his commitment to being her father. He is failing miserably. It is a tough thing to watch.
I worry about her.

There are many articles about daughters of absent fathers. Many choose to replace the missing male figure with bad relationships and even causal sex. I see signs that she could be headed in this direction. Since turning eighteen the end of last year, she is really pressing the point of being a 'grown up'. That she should be able to make her own decisions (most often poor ones). In other words- her own rules, and guidelines.

I am sure this too shall pass and she will make some mistakes as we all do. But it is tough position to hold as a single parent. A single parent facing her own guilt and past.
Prom was this past weekend. It was a great time for her. It did not go off as I had planned, no pictures on the porch, no pinning of flowers. She primped and left from a friends house and they didn't have time to stop home. I felt a little left out. But the fight came when their was a disagreement over the curfew. Give me the strength!
This fall she will be headed to college approx 300 miles from home. I just pray that she understands what is important in life and what is menial.

We always hope that our children can learn from our own past. That we can save them from themselves in times of bad decisions. I hold out hope that I have planted enough seeds deep into the recesses of all of my children's minds to help them avoid hurt in their lives and loves. For now, sleepless nights of worry, wishing for someone to share this tough parenting time with.

One day at a time. Deep breaths. This too shall pass.

On a lighter note: I am excited to announce that an old post/article of mine is featured on Rich Single Momma's Blog today for her Mothers Day celebration series. I am truly honored. Check it out here. Thank You Samantha.

Penalties imposed for doing the right thing?

For the past twenty two years, I have worked full-time.

For the past thirteen years, I have been a single mother.
For ten of those years I have been a full-time or part-time college student. For all of those years, finances have been a stress in my life.

Making it financially is hard for new couples just beginning life together. The economic downswing making it that more difficult.
Being a single parent adds to the stress both financially and in workload  vs hours in the day. There are not enough hours in the day for most full-time employees, more so for working parents, and even more so for single parents who work. If you attend night school, God help you.

But that has been the life I have led for a long time.

Recently I graduated from night school. And some time was freed up. The older my kids get, the less they demand of me too. I was unlucky enough to finish night school just as the jobless rates increased. I was also lucky enough to work for three companies who in turn held huge lay-offs in order to cut costs and/or send manufacturing to foreigners to save money.

I have written about surviving in an 'old boys club' field of work. And about juggling motherhood and single parenthood. I have written here about struggling to complete my own school studies while helping the kids with theirs.

I have also written about my school project on the differences between the wages of men and women when comparing the equal education and experience levels.

I have fought a long struggle, I have made the money I have worked for and earned work for me. Both combined with my child support and also in times when I was receiving none. I have made it through. I have one more child to get through school.

I have never qualified for any assistance, government or otherwise. I have done it all on my own.
Nothing reduced, nothing paid for me. (albeit the occasional save from my family when an appliance broke down)

I have rarely complained.

However this article got my attention.

http://www.businessweek.com/careers/workingparents/blog/archives/2009/06/the_motherhood.html

I have heard the stories often.

A full-time working mother struggling to make ends meet, needs just a leg-up, a small subsidy to help pay a medical bill, or put some food on the table for the month... a reduced price for her kids public school fees or lunches. Just a small supplement to aid her while she is doing all she can to survive.. and she is told:

I cannot help you. You do not qualify. You make too much money. But if you quit your job and go on full assistance, we can qualify you for everything!

This is a broken system. I do not know how to fix it. But I have lived it.

What are solutions?

Why do we penalize those who work hard.

Why are you penalized for being a woman? ( my thoughts on the reason this one was put into place was when women were thought of as the supplemental income- which is really not the case these days)

Why are we penalized for being working mothers? Mothers who tend to give 110% as they feel guilty if they need any extra time off.

and

Why are we penalized when we give all we have to make our kids, our employers, our instructors and our own selves happy in every hour of every day?

I have never taken a sick day just because my child was sick, I made other arrangements.
I have never asked for more time on my school assignments because I am too busy with my kids or life. Most of my teachers didn't even know I was a mother or single.
I never qualified or lied in order to qualify for reductions or waiver of food, fees, bills, etc. I went without and my kids went without the latest gadgets and things we would certainly love to have but could not afford.

We made it through and I think my kids are better for it. They know the value of a dollar, they understand and are sympathetic of those things they went without. But it doesn't make it any easier on a parent knowing they did all they could and still could not provide all they wished they could.

But why the mistreatment? Why penalties are imposed on those working to make it better, I will not know.

Sleepless summer nights

This summer has been a whirlwind. The time is flying by. I am enjoying the time with my girls, my son will be home in less than a week ( we last heard) but the job hunt has been a slow one. I have spent some time studying for a license in another career field which will probably just be supplemental unless I can make a real go of it.

The past week has been pretty typical summer weather in the desert region. Even with the Rockies in my back yard, I live in the desert. We have had scorching heat in the triple digits. Thank god it is a dry heat as I don't fare well with humidity.

The summer rains falling between the scorching days makes for some great relaxing quiet time. The smell of summer rain is fantastic. Warm enough to dance in if you feel so inclined. And we have. the cooler night air, the smell of the rain, the slight breeze in the windows sure can lull you to sleep.

But it can't wash away the stresses of unemployment and money issues. All those midnight thoughts running through my head about upcoming school fees and needs. I cannot tell you how many nights the past couple months I spent running over my bank register in my mind, paying bills in my head, and working out money shifts from one account to another... it is what we do right? At the most in opportune time, the wee hours of the morning.

Then we feel sluggish and tired the next morning and the last thing I feel like doing is studying for a test or interviewing for a job possibility.

I learned a trick a few years back.. possibly on a mid-day talk show. And it works well on such nights.

First: get into the most comfortable position.
Make sure you are comfortable in all ways, temperature, covers, pillow fluff...
Then you need to slow your breathing:
Breathe in through your nose inhaling slowly, and fill your lungs.
Then out- through your mouth just as slowly

By this time you should already begin to feel a little more relaxed.
Concentrating on your breathing will keep those pesky thoughts from intruding.

Then Start mentally counting:
No not sheep! Start at 100 and count backwards.
Slowly but not too slow that you lose interest or let the thoughts in.

I guarantee before you get to the number one... you will be enjoying a great nights sleep.

I usually only make it to about seventy-five even on the most stressful of nights.

Try it for yourself.

I know we all have rough nights.

I would love to hear your feedback.

Nice weather can change your whole mood for the better

Since February when I was laid off from my steady job, I have been in a bit of a personal fog. I have not really been depressed but more of a stupor. I have more than maybe I should have, enjoyed being able to take my time getting up and moving each morning, relaxing with my coffee. I have been watching silly daytime TV and just plain hanging around by myself.

I have worked a full time job since I was 18 years old and for 8 of those years I also went to night school. I have also been the sole physical parent of my three kids during the past 11 years as their father lives too far away for visits, weekend or otherwise. I have enjoyed being a mom on the go. I like the work ethic my children have witnessed and I like staying busy.

But I have to admit, it was trying, it was tiring, it was exhausting. I just didn't have a lot of ME time. And although I feel a bit like a slug, I have really enjoyed the past two months just vegging out. The weather has been pretty chilly the past two months also which just put me in the mood to curl up with a book or to watch an old movie. In between job board hunting and interviews of course.

This changed yesterday- and today as the weather warmed a bit, I stepped outside and got some heavily neglected yard work completed. Two full eight-hour days shoveling heavy soil and grass that has built up in an approximately 50x4 foot strip of my yard. It was exhausting, it was hard work, it was also a bit unnerving with the cat-calls from passersby (A draw back of living on a very busy street.) But on the flip side what a refreshing couple of days. Able to feel the soil, to clear the land, and to clear my head while getting my tired body out of the house and breathing the clear air. The first two pictures I have posted are the before - You can see the piles I created from the mess in the last picture in this post.
What you cant see from these pictures, is that my grass was growing on such a mound of dirt, that it was near impossible to mow it in the summer. When mowed, the blade would hit into the dirt causing the grass to burn and die. Ugly! So I dug the dirt into many piles, which will be carried away by others who need it, and also to some planting boxes in my own yard. I will plant new grass here at a height to the sidewalk that will be eastier to roll over.

Regardless of how the past few paragraphs sound, I have not been a total recluse. We leave the house often. We just took a three day trip to see my parents, went hiking, I went rollerblading with a friend, and have been out with the girls. This was different.

It was more the first time I have done good hard work in a while and it was good for my soul. I may be sore in some of my small muscle groups for a day or two, my fingernails may not recover for a while, but I feel as though my body and soul are glowing. It may not look like much- until the excess dirt is gone. It will be even better when the weather is good for more than a day or two and I can get it planted.





On another note: Still nothing yet on the job front. Today I received contact regarding the last interview I posted about. I think she really wants me to take the job, but it will be such a pay cut I'm not even sure I could live on it. But she is attempting to work something out with management. Time will tell. If it is meant to be, it will be. Until then, I will continue to enjoy this strange freedom I have missed.

Selling yourself

I have not been on a job interview in over 3 years, and for that interview, they had contacted me and I figured I already had the job. Hard to get too stressed out in that situation. Prior to that I had not been on an interview in over 13 years. It is to say the least, intimidating.
Yesterday was my first interview since my lay-off the company I am interested in is very similar, in industry, to the past two employers I have worked for. I applied for a few positions at this company and figured I was a good fit for a couple of them at the very least. They must have felt otherwise and called me about the Junior-most of the four positions I had applied for. But I was happy to get a call and excited to let them know my qualifications first hand. But also nervous. Selling yourself is probably the hardest sale there is. Unless maybe you are narcissistic. I am not.
The interview went pretty smoothly. I got there a bit early and spoke with my friend on the phone in a nearby parking lot to use up some time. Then at 1:25 I headed in. After waiting in the lobby for approx 15 min., the receptionist paging the interviewer a few times, he walked by. I didn't recognize him as we had only spoken on the phone. However he spoke a few words to the receptionist then walked through one of the two badge-coded doors.
I heard the receptionist mumble something then looked at me. I asked her to repeat what he had said. She said I was to be meeting with someone else first, and that it would have been nice to know that. When a second interviewer came up to meet me, it was nice of her to mention to him (a few too many times) that I was on time but there was a mix-up as to whom I was to meet with first. Not a good start.
We walked through the second badge-coded security door and into his office, waited once again while a second person made her way in. Apparently their schedules are tight. The actual interview went well, I felt confident with my answers to their inquiries, I felt that I knew the tasks of the job and then some. The position they described was but a portion of a similar position I have held in the past. I met with these two, one who would be my direct report if offered the job, and a nurse I would work closely with. Next, I was to meet with his (my potential boss's) boss. However he too was tied up and I was ushered into HR.
This portion of the interview was actually with the man I had spoken with on the phone the night before regarding the job. (Also the man who passed me in the lobby.) This, I have to say was the most intimidating part of the interview process. He had the hard questions. He was friendly, as he was on the phone the night before, and polite, very polite. But his questions seemed to be some sort of psychological test. What type of boss do you like to work for? Who was the best boss you have ever had? and why? What makes you a good employee? etc. Again, I think I did well but I am sure there were a lot of ummm's and aaahhh's. Aren't we all basket cases and mental jobs when we are grilled? O.K. well I am.

Next and last, I was taken into the last interview. This man would be my potential boss's boss. He was probably the easiest- all three interviewers seemed to ask the same questions times three. Could have saved a lot of time if we were all in one room and they could ask once. But I am sure there was a reason. A test to see if my story changed perhaps. Interviewing, no matter how nice, or polite can feel a little like bullying. But I survived. He seemed a bit stressed out and overworked. In a hurry. But really interested in my credentials.
One item of the day which left me a bit uneasy was when I was walked into a lab where I will spend a good amount of my time (sans being hired) and met two of the three other people who work in the position that I was applying for. That worries me a bit. The people, the tasks of the position and the descriptions in the interview have me a bit worried I may be a bit overqualified and quickly become bored with the job.
I know this may seem as though I am tooting my own horn or feeling as though I should have an executive position because I have obtained my degree and have 16 years experience. It is not that at all, I know the work I do, I know it well. This will only be a portion of that. The numbers, the quantity of work will be more, however that is not a detriment to a single mother of three who has juggled Full time work and school for 8 years!
I need a job, I need a paycheck, I have not yet heard from them or even been offered the job yet. I know also that they have a few other positions open in the same department that have a bit more responsibility. My hope is that they understood from my interviews that I am a better fit for those openings. Maybe i am getting ahead of myself, maybe I'm being a bit inflated.
We will wait and see.

Oh, and I looked awesome in my new power suit and hair cut!
Sorry, didn't take any pictures.

But I've been wrong before

Silly me! I spoke a little too soon. Just like the inversion that has settled into our valley this month. The smog has not lifted as I had hoped, and a large looming cloud has overshadowed not just the sky but life as I know it.

Fourteen years ago, and just two years before I became a single mother, I was lucky enough land my first post-college job at a small manufacturing company. It paid pretty well, and was a mere twenty minutes from home.

Just seven months after starting this job, we bought our second house. How we nearly lost the first house is a long story for another time. Life was beginning again after a rough financial patch which we had suffered following his (my now ex-husband's) 6 month stint serving in Desert Storm at a reduced pay. I had just given birth to my youngest daughter, we were living with my parents and landing this job, and buying another house was a godsend.

But it was short lived. A short three years later, I was a single mother. I was able to keep the house, with both his name and mine on the title. As long as I kept up the payments, and did not cohabitate or remarry, I could stay. I also had the option of refinancing it into my own name if I were able.

Finances, since the divorce have been tight. I have never been on state assistance, and my children have been provided for. I was also able to work out payment arrangements in order to get all three of them into braces, certainly not cheap. I was their sole parent. Their father is in another state, a phone call was rare. Christmas and birthdays were to come from me. School fees and extracurricular activity fees? From me. Don't get me wrong, I receive support but it doesn't seem to make up for the absence and it doesn't go as far as one would think. Owning a house and land can really have deep costs.

In the divorce, I also took over the car payments and had a decent car to drive. These were all blessings that I realize not every single mother has had the luxury of. And they were all due to the fact that I continued my employment with that company for 12 years.

In 2005, this stability hit some turbulence. The company which had been purchased by a larger corporation, was sending our facilities manufacturing over the border to Mexico. We would all be laid off within the year. We were given a last date of work and if we stayed until that date, were offered a severance package. Mine was to be in the double digit thousands, based on my years of service.

But an opportunity became available to me, another small start-up company with similar products. I took it. I had really debated giving up that severance nest-egg. However the stress and emotional turmoil in a company soon to be closed is not a healthy environment to be in. And it was worth losing the severance for my sanity.

For the past 3 years I have worked at this company and loved it. Close to home, good hours, decent pay, flexibility with home and school. Alas....this company has been suffering hardships of its own. Financial and contractual.

These are customary burdens with small companies, As they are often running completely on investment money.

What does this mean? My company is near to closing its doors. 30 of the 26 employees are now out of work. Including me. We will no longer be employed as of the sixth of next month. Just less than three weeks from now.

In all my years as a single mother, I have never been in this position. I have been tight on money but always knew that the next paycheck would be there. Even if I had to borrow from it, or stretch it, it was there. Now, in three short weeks, I will not have that check.

I have a good resume. 14 years experience and two degrees. I have a lot of friends in the business. I just completed my second college degree this past spring after eight years of night school. Things may just turn out for the better. But how do I know that? How do I ensure that my family, is provided for? I realize now, the burden that falls on the shoulders of a father. It is a tough load to bear. No backup income in this house.

Of all the trials I have had as a single mother, and there have been plenty, nothing has been as scary and as out of my control as not having a job. Sure I can get a job at the local supermarket or gas station but it will not pay my car and house payment. Maybe two jobs? I hope there are jobs out there, in my field.

Wish me luck, pray for me, I will take all the help I can get. A good nights sleep would be helpful now, but I am a glutton for punishment and spend most nights staring at the ceiling of my bedroom hoping that I can still keep this house, pay for the heat, the lights, things I have taken for granted.

Hopefully I will look back in a year and say this was the best thing that could have happened. Until then, I will keep my head up and clip coupons.

Getting into the spirit

I finally broke down and went to the doctor and came home with two different kinds of antibiotics. I am already feeling a little better...

My parents came into town yesterday afternoon, and although my house looks like Hiroshima AFTER the bomb, there is some comfort in family being there. They didn't seem nearly as mortified as my imagination warned me they would be.

We had a pretty laid back night, enjoying each others company and catching up on the past few weeks. I went back to work today, been out nearly 4 days, and we are to have our Christmas lunch today. There was a good sized snowstorm again yesterday and we are expecting a doozie this afternoon, so the drive home will be challenging at best.

My sister is coming down from Wyoming this afternoon or this evening, and I wish her a safe trip as I think there will be worse storming North of here, and they will be coming 'over the mountains. I was hoping to have so much more done this week and being able to blog blog blog on the festivities, but, I am so far behind, it will all have to wait.

If I am absent for a few days, please, Have a happy Holiday and as Paul Harvey used to say, stay tuned for the rest of the story.