A few months ago I posted the above video on facebook. 

There were many comments about how much these words apply today. 

Ann Murray recorded this song twenty-eight years ago. If we just replace Lebanon with Afghanistan or almost any Middle-Eastern country. And Bryant Gumbol with Diane Sawyer this song could be recorded today.

In the words of the writers, Tommy Rocco, Charlie Black, and Rory Michael Bourke,

 'It's gonna get worse you see'...

and it has.

Worse all over. 

Children abused, kidnapped, starving, sick, or worse.

Economy and jobs worse than ever.

World leaders and even our own country leaders and local leaders- just disappointing 

Wars that seem to see no end. No progress.

Starvation, Genocide, Raids and Protests.

Weather- Heat waves, tsunami's, flooding, tornadoes and hurricanes.

On our own local news, drownings, killings, suicides, flooding.

We sure could use some good news today. I tear up when I hear this song.

I don't want to say that I don't want to turn on the local news or CNN but it makes an already deflated, heavy burden my my own life feel even heavier.

How often have I uttered the statement- 

'No matter how hard life gets, someone out there is carrying a heavier load.'

And although I mean to lift spirits that all is not lost... I wonder some days if I have become one of those 'someones' ? Am I the one carrying the heavy load?

I am healthy, my children are well. I am one of the lucky ones to have most of my extended family including both of my parents still here with me. And a healthy relationship with them all. 

I have a roof over my head and food (although hard to come by) in my stomach. I have good clothes covering my body. 

I can take an evening walk around my town and feel safe. 

I have good friends I can call and they will be at my side in an instant. 

I can easily take a ride into the mountains near my home and feel a little closer to God.

I sure could use a little good news today.

But I continue to have some good news everyday as well, if I choose to look for it. 

Hope you are all having a great Wednesday!

Leave me a comment and let me know how you feel? Overwhelmed? Happy? Blessed? 

And anyone else think Ann Murray is fabulous?

Missing blogging

I have been a little bit MIA lately here on the blog.
Isn't it the times you have so much to blog about that you get too busy to sit down and type it out?

We have been to festivals,

Old train stations:

Out for lunch in the sunshine:

Repaired (where A/C leaked) and repainted the main living space:

While all of the fun is happening, I have also still been selling myself in the business world. Unemployment has it's privileges with all the free-time. But without a steady paycheck, it is not near as fun.
I am also working on my insurance and securities license which will for now act as added income. If it works out right, I may be changing careers altogether.
We will see
Hope you are all out enjoying this summer. Although it has been in the triple digits this week, we are loving the sun.
The best thing about this area is if it gets too hot, the canyons and cool mountain air are just minutes away. Pictures to come

Mother's Day

Two weeks ago was the happiest moment of my year! We picked my son up at the airport after an 8 month tour in Iraq. Prior to that, he had been stationed in Kansas and we had not seen him since last January.

We have had a lot of fun with him, his girlfriend, and all of the extended friends and family who have stayed with us over the past two weeks.

But all things come to an end. This morning, Mother's Day, we drove him to the airport for his 6am departure. I am sure it was the 4am alarm, but I got quite emotional. More so than the first time we sent him. I thought it would get easier but it doesn't. I did get to spend a short amount of time with all three of my kids this morning. And I cherish it deeply.

Please let this war end soon, and peacefully. Please bring my son home safe. This is my Mother's Day wish.

But we did cram a lot of fun into two weeks time. Bowling, arcades, visitors, my parents tango dance in a spoof on Dancing with the stars, board games, go-carts, mini golf, food- lots of food, a Jr. Prom, A 19th birthday, Two 3D movie events, and even a little kite flying.

Also I would like to send out a Happy Mother's Day to my own mama, whom I adore, and cherish and miss terribly (she is not gone, just further away than I can see in a short trip).  A wonderful Mother's Day wish for all the mothers who read this blog, and the single mothers who may not have anyone to spoil them today. Take a moment for yourself, a bubble bath, reading a book or cooking your own favorite dish for dinner.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you have not read my story part 1, part 2 and part 3 you may want to read it before this post.

There is so much more to this story than this small segment from my teen years. And I may share more of that story here. For now, just this.

The year following the birth of my baby, T and I continued to date. That following May I graduated from high school. We spent our summer apart. He at basic training at Ft Leonard wood and I  worked the summer at the wonderful grand canyon. The time apart was hard and it was probably good for us too. 

We married the next June and within four years we had three more children together. We were a family, a happy family. It is funny how your mind works. Like a keyword into a computer search, a particular word or event would bring something to mind. When I was pregnant with my son, Jeremy women would often tell me what to expect with the pregnancy. It was so hard not to say 'I know'. I was honest with my doctor, he knew about the previous birth. He had to. But it was a strange feeling to have 'been here before'.

Many times through life, I would wonder where he was, and was he happy. Would I someday discover him on a news story or in a store? Evey time I heard the name Caleb, I would take a second closer look. I wondered would I recognize him if I did. 

After nine years of marriage, we were divorced. That is a story in itself. It was a bit bitter at times, his second wife could be really mean with me, with my children. T and I had always said we would, when we felt the time was right, sit our own children down and tell them about the past, about their brother. But when is the right time?

I didn't have to answer that. While visiting their father one weekend when my oldest was just in the sixth grade, my ex felt it his place to make that decision. When my children returned to me that Sunday I was stunned to hear them ask. 

"Do we have a big brother?"

I sat my children down and we talked. I explained to them that yes, they had a brother. That there was a chance they may meet him again some day. But that it was up to him and we must respect that. I explained how some families cannot have children and that what their father and I had endured although not easy, was a miracle for another couple. They had a lot of questions but in their young minds, made some sense of it. 

In the years since that conversation, he has come up a few times. My children ask me if I would like to find him. They would tell me that they would like to find him. I explained that it was a closed adoption and that it was up to him, when he turned eighteen, he would be able to get information to find us if he chose. If he chose not to dredge up his past that too was his choice. 

October 2004 Caleb turned eighteen and he was once again on my mind. I knew the files were legally locked but hoped that someone, somewhere had information. This is the time of the internet,I just wondered where he was, what he looked like and how he was doing. I didn't want to interrupt his life if he was happy. I had given up the right to be his mother. 

But I did search. There were sights with men named Caleb. I would peruse photos of these men, looking for traces of our family lineage... But always came up short and really with little information to go on, it is like finding a needle in a haystack. 

I remember finding a site it was a virtual version of a bulletin board. You could read through the heartbreaking stories of people searching for adopted family members. Some were taken from drug abusing parents and siblings were searching for them. Some were born in the fifties and sixties and were taken from their young parents because of what was seen as guilt or family disgrace.

Reading those stories I was grateful that I had the choice to make. It was a huge site with pages and pages of posts. So many lost souls. 

I searched the site the best I could for a Caleb in California. And although California is a large state and Caleb is a pretty uncommon name, I came up short. If he had been awaiting his eighteenth birthday to find his past, if he was out there looking for me. ( and I had no reason to think he was) he had not been to this site. 

And life went on. 

Until July 21st of last year. 

I received a message on my facebook account. An account I had opened to get back in touch with many old classmates following our 20 year class reunion. Facebook shows that you have a message similar to email and there is a small thumbnail of that users profile picture. I clicked on the message and before I had a chance to read the message, that tiny little picture took my breath away.

It was as if my ex husband was staring out at me from the screen, but not quite. Then I read these words:

I'm sorry if you can't help me, but I've been looking around for a person that may or may not be yourself.

I was born in Provo Utah on October 2, 1986. I was adopted and moved. After various searches online your name came up with a variant spelling of my own. Yours as the birth mother and mine as the adoptee. Should I know you better than I do? 

Yes! Yes it was him.My son had found me and there was no mistaking. I cannot tell you the strange feeling to be looking at your son, a son you have not seen since he was born, since he was 8 lbs. And here was a man staring back at you and you know he is your son. There was no mistaking.

We have chatted many times online. He is a happy, healthy 23 year old living in an adjoining state. We have made plans to meet, the kids, I and Him. He calls me mom. We are all excited to meet. He has asked a few questions but he understands. He has told me that in that situation he feels he may have done the same thing. He is not hurt, he has had a wonderful life and he is grateful.
This summer the kids and I hope to drive to see him. He is full-blood sibling to my children. They all have the same genes. I suppose there may be more to this story after the meeting.  Things have a way of working out.


I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa

old friendships never die

Had a visit from an old Jr. High school friend over this week. She was supposed to be in the country for an event with her grandmother. However flight delays and 'mechanical problems' caused her to miss the very thing she was coming for.
But- I got to have dinner with her and her siblings (whom I have not seen since they were in elementary school) and you know, it was like stepping back in time.
Not a beat was missed. We are all still as goofy and sarcastic as we ever were.It was as if she had not moved away. As if we were still the pre-teens, walking to school and making up our own languages.
I am so glad that she found the time to get out with us while she was here.

Now- If only I could get my darn car repaired so I can save up for my ticket to France to see her and her own territory.

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson 

I love you Darlene! Oh and double thanks for the french chocolates! Rachel thinks are hers alone --not

Small Town Entertainment

Due to some unexpected expenses this month and a depletion of my savings while I was laid off for a few months, money has been tight. July 24th was a state holiday celebrating the day the pioneers made the trek across the US and settled in our state.

Local celebrations for this holiday are celebrated much like the fourth of July independence holiday is across the US. Fireworks, picnics, camping, and other summer activities. This year it fell on a Friday making it a long three day weekend.
A friend invited us up to the small town (pop. 275) that she lives in which is hidden in a small valley in the Rocky Mountains.


They were holding a town celebration complete with parade, picnic and rodeo. Being that I have little time off in this first year at my new job, I was a little slow getting moving. After relaxing with a couple cups of coffee, checking up on e-mail and cleaning up a little around the house, we threw some drinks, hot dogs and fresh fruit in a cooler with some ice.




By the time we arrived at the festivities, the parade was over, the entertainment (a local singer) was just wrapping up and burgers were on the grill and the kids old town races were just about finished. We grabbed some water and headed to the rodeo stands. It was a warm day but not unbearable, at least to me.

The rodeo began with a chase, kids chasing fowl, chickens and roosters. If you catch one, you keep it. Being that I am a suburbs girl, I was grateful that my children were too old to chase. However my friend who has a coop full of fowl was less worried.
Although she had the means to care for fowl captured by her boys, she stated as the race began... " They probably wont catch anything so we wont have to worry."
Famous last words as they say- As two of her four boys came away with a prize. One with a rooster, one a hen. This left but one issue. They already owned a rooster. And you cannot have two roosters. They fight. Thus, he will (and possibly the hen too) become dinner.
Next was the bunny race. My friends words coming back to haunt her, as a third of her boys captured a bunny. This one would be going to their fathers house, with permission.
There was more rodeo to follow however with the newly obtained critters, sitting still was not a healthy option. We headed back to their small farm to drop them off.
The birds were placed safely in a shed away from the other rooster and the bunny was placed in a small cage awaiting his ride to his new home.
My daughter and I hung out for a moment chatting with my friend but I was stir-crazy and we headed out for a ride through the mountains.
An absolutely beautiful day it was in the mountains that day.
While driving through another small town (pop. approx 1500) a little further into the mountains, it was apparent that they too were holding their own city festival. Although it was late afternoon, a parade was about to begin through town. We stepped into a few of the local shops, walked a little through the town then hit the road once more.
Driving the winding mountain roads, a good soundtrack playing familiar tunes, snacking on fresh summer fruits, windows down just my daughter and I. It was so relaxing. I was tempted to get out and hit a trail or two but my daughter wasn't up for it and did not come prepared with appropriate footwear so we drove.



We passed by a couple reservoirs, some great scenery, some beautiful forests of quaking aspen trees, and a few more small farming communities. There were a few small rock monuments placed along the roadside commemorating pioneer travels which I found appropriate for the occasion.



While driving up one road, well into a thick forested area away from the small populated towns, I noticed (and almost missed) a small marker sign pointing to another historical marker.




We turned off where the sign pointed and saw a small gravestone.
Upon reading the stone, it belonged to a Japanese pilot who had crashed approx. 3000 feet from where we stood. He was an amateur pilot on route from Europe. It is a strange feeling looking down into the deep valley below imagining this mans decent. Strange that he died in 1928 and there were flowers on his grave- albeit dead flowers.


I love history- I love biographies- I love finding small tokens of appreciation and tribute.




After a short drive, we headed back to the second towns celebration for something to eat and a rodeo.




We purchased some hats and played dress up for the evening.


Then settled in to watch the show.
There was bull-riding,


wild cow milking (hilarious), and a thing called hide racing.

Crazy stuff where a piece of leather hide is pulled by rope behind a horse and rider and a second person chases and then jumps onto the hide and rides as long as they can.

Fastest time wins.
The rodeo was an absolute great time. Perfect weather, beautiful scenery as a backdrop.
Who says you cant have fun in a small town?


It was a long day and we were ready to head home.

We left before the rodeo was over as we were dressed for hot weather and the mountain air was cooling quickly.



Just after we climbed into the car, the rain began.




Ahhh the smell of summer rain in the country mountains.
was late when we arrived home but I slept very well.

Struggles are lessons

Although I have been a full-time single parent for a very long time, and certainly busy with other activity both working and night school, I have hesitated to ever use it as an excuse or a crutch. Rather the opposite. If a professor knew I was a single mother, or that I was juggling a full-time job during the day, he/she had not heard it from me. Because I was attending night school there were many classmates with spouses, or children, and many with full-time jobs. I am not sure how many were doing all of them single handed. But I often heard excuses.
Such as:
My wife and I are going away for the weekend, I can’t get all that homework done.
My kid is sick, my boss kept me late at work, and any other million and one excuses.

I hated to use it, I hated to say it, I guess I am stubborn in that way. When my kids were sick, when they made me sick, when the boss needed something extra at work, when there was a school program or Parent teacher meeting, I always managed to make it all work. I never took time off work with a sick child without using up precious vacation time. Usually ending up sick myself and struggling through work with that.

I am just not a NO person, sometimes I wish I were. I hate when people think I need help and I hate more than that, to take it.

In some ways the need is due to stubbornness, and insisting I do it alone. In other ways, such as repair and improvements to my house, or my car, it is necessity usually due to funding. Who wants to ask for money?

I have been known to blame my ex husband for not paying support on time- under my breath. I have been known to blame my boss for keeping me late- under my breath. It always seemed I actually would truly blame myself when things didnt work out perfectly. Always trying to prove to myself that I could do it all, all by myself. So I would not openly tell anyone reasons why I couldnt do something, I would just find a way to do it. Sometimes falling into bed with less than five hours sleep, or missing out on my own activities with friends in order to get it all done.

But the older I get, the longer I live, the more stress and struggle I encounter, the better I am at taking advice, accepting help, insisting on help from the kids, and taking less of the blame on my own shoulders.
I have become a stronger woman, I have become more outspoken, and I am beginning to reap some reward from that.

I hope that I can continue to do that. I don’t want to come across as a b-i-o-t-c-h but I do not want to be a doormat either.

In my teens I was scared to be me; in my twenties, I was unsure who me was; in my thirties, I have been discovering the real me; I will be forty this summer and I am ready to just enjoy being me!

If you know someone who is carrying a large load, and telling you that s/he is fine. Help them anyway. Take off some of the burden they wont ask for help and they will probably not agree to the help. But sometimes it is just nice to hear, 'let me do that, while you go take a hot shower.'

Nice weather can change your whole mood for the better

Since February when I was laid off from my steady job, I have been in a bit of a personal fog. I have not really been depressed but more of a stupor. I have more than maybe I should have, enjoyed being able to take my time getting up and moving each morning, relaxing with my coffee. I have been watching silly daytime TV and just plain hanging around by myself.

I have worked a full time job since I was 18 years old and for 8 of those years I also went to night school. I have also been the sole physical parent of my three kids during the past 11 years as their father lives too far away for visits, weekend or otherwise. I have enjoyed being a mom on the go. I like the work ethic my children have witnessed and I like staying busy.

But I have to admit, it was trying, it was tiring, it was exhausting. I just didn't have a lot of ME time. And although I feel a bit like a slug, I have really enjoyed the past two months just vegging out. The weather has been pretty chilly the past two months also which just put me in the mood to curl up with a book or to watch an old movie. In between job board hunting and interviews of course.

This changed yesterday- and today as the weather warmed a bit, I stepped outside and got some heavily neglected yard work completed. Two full eight-hour days shoveling heavy soil and grass that has built up in an approximately 50x4 foot strip of my yard. It was exhausting, it was hard work, it was also a bit unnerving with the cat-calls from passersby (A draw back of living on a very busy street.) But on the flip side what a refreshing couple of days. Able to feel the soil, to clear the land, and to clear my head while getting my tired body out of the house and breathing the clear air. The first two pictures I have posted are the before - You can see the piles I created from the mess in the last picture in this post.
What you cant see from these pictures, is that my grass was growing on such a mound of dirt, that it was near impossible to mow it in the summer. When mowed, the blade would hit into the dirt causing the grass to burn and die. Ugly! So I dug the dirt into many piles, which will be carried away by others who need it, and also to some planting boxes in my own yard. I will plant new grass here at a height to the sidewalk that will be eastier to roll over.

Regardless of how the past few paragraphs sound, I have not been a total recluse. We leave the house often. We just took a three day trip to see my parents, went hiking, I went rollerblading with a friend, and have been out with the girls. This was different.

It was more the first time I have done good hard work in a while and it was good for my soul. I may be sore in some of my small muscle groups for a day or two, my fingernails may not recover for a while, but I feel as though my body and soul are glowing. It may not look like much- until the excess dirt is gone. It will be even better when the weather is good for more than a day or two and I can get it planted.





On another note: Still nothing yet on the job front. Today I received contact regarding the last interview I posted about. I think she really wants me to take the job, but it will be such a pay cut I'm not even sure I could live on it. But she is attempting to work something out with management. Time will tell. If it is meant to be, it will be. Until then, I will continue to enjoy this strange freedom I have missed.

The fog may be lifting

I took this picture on my way to work this morning. The lake effect has created fog under the inversion we are experiencing.

I felt it fit perfectly as a metaphor of my life this past month and a half. A bit foggy. When I was fighting Bronchitis in December, it seemed as though I was in a state of constant fuzziness. Whether it was the fever, the side effects of the cold medicine, the tiredness of spending the night coughing instead of sleeping.. I just didn't feel like my brain was functioning at 100%.

In the past week, I have been feeling better, however, still in a bit of a slump, not back to normal. Sometimes I feel as though I am affected by seasonal affective disorder. Usually around this time, after the holidays, after I have enjoyed the first fallen snow of the winter, after I have warmed by a fire, and I have HAD ENOUGH!- I get the blues.

But, today, right now, I am at peace, the fog is lifting, my head is clear, and I am in a GREAT mood.

So! Bring it on!