I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. Dave Barry

I cannot explain the roller coaster of emotions this month has inflicted placed on me. 

I feel as though I am not, and can not cover the expenses I should be covering. As the head of this household. As the mother who chose to bring these now grown children into the world, and made an unwritten promise to take care of them until I leave it.

And I am not able to. At least not financially. 

This weekend was bittersweet. Excitement for my daughter heading to college. I should be excited. I am excited. And I am also a bit sad. I am emotional because eighteen years has gone by faster than I had hoped. I am emotional because this is the end of my raising upstanding children and the beginning of them becoming upstanding adults.

But I am also emotional because I have no extra cash. No fun money to take her shopping for her first apartment decor. No fun money to help her get excited..... 

It is taking the wind out of my sagging sails. 

On the up-side of this weekend. I attended my first ever wine tasting. 

I now know that Merlot is not my wine of choice. At least not the Merlot we had on Thursday night. Maybe it is because I am a bit of a newbie to wines. But I prefer the White wines, and the Chardonnay's.

It was a fun experience. I learned what wine 'legs' are. I also learned what types of foods to eat with which choices.

Friday night was Texas hold 'em poker night at my aunts house with some family members and friends. As you can see by my rack my poker budget ($5.00) went as fast as my monthly budget....sigh

So relaxing. 

Although the temperatures reached into the triple digits, I felt freedom and a clear mind I haven't felt in a while. I am a warm weather gal.

And then we headed back home....

We will be headed that way one more trip before the end of next month to drop her off at school. And then, things will be awfully quiet around here. 

I have become the parent whose children will see her on holidays. I am the parent who will prepare the 'guest' rooms for her kids. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I do have one still lingering here at home. But she works long hours which will most likely be opposite of mine if I ever begin working once again. 

And so here we tread - into the next season of this life. I am still a parent- but with a different role. 

I think every parent, every generation has wanted their children to do better and have a higher standard of living. But I think there's too much guilt. Phil McGraw

This past year has been a busy one for my youngest daughter.
Her senior year of school has held many activities. School, work, pageants and plays. She has been riding a coaster of emotion. From energized, to overwhelmed and excited to defeated.

She is also fighting with emotions from the past that are deeply embedded. I worry.

Being a single parent has its struggles with finances, time management, discipline and so many other issues regarding child rearing and running of a household solo. I cannot say which is more difficult, arguing with the ex over how child rearing should be done, or an absent father which leaves the burden on the attentive parents shoulders.

I am struggling with the later. Going on 15 years of solo parenting I have worked out quite a n efficient system. However there are still moments I would kill for a support system.
Don't get me wrong, friends and family are great help. But I am not sure that married parents understand what a gift it is to have someone there making the tough decisions regarding their children for and with them.

So many nights I wished for the simple option of leaning on (or being able to call on) the other parent and stating- 'Your turn.' This is not an option for me, nor is it for so many divorced or widowed solo parents in this world. I have mentioned many times on this blog how proud I am of my three children. And I am!

But none of us are perfect and there are lessons to be learned. I am constantly learning to parent at the same time I am trying to relay lessons to my grown children.

The older they get, the harder it is for me as their sole parent. I share experience and knowledge, while they are finding their own individuality and facing their own unknown futures. Oil and water. Stresses of their last years of school, their first years as working class and college students are hard on them. I do my best to stand back and let them figure things out and am at the same time frustrated with poor decisions on their part.
I am the person I am today because of both poor decisions and good. And they will be too. But it is hard to be the parent watching the hurt.

Most recently, conflict is with my youngest. She is strong willed, opinionated, emotional, and independent. An awful lot like her mother. She has struggled the most with her fathers absence. Testing him constantly on his commitment to being her father. He is failing miserably. It is a tough thing to watch.
I worry about her.

There are many articles about daughters of absent fathers. Many choose to replace the missing male figure with bad relationships and even causal sex. I see signs that she could be headed in this direction. Since turning eighteen the end of last year, she is really pressing the point of being a 'grown up'. That she should be able to make her own decisions (most often poor ones). In other words- her own rules, and guidelines.

I am sure this too shall pass and she will make some mistakes as we all do. But it is tough position to hold as a single parent. A single parent facing her own guilt and past.
Prom was this past weekend. It was a great time for her. It did not go off as I had planned, no pictures on the porch, no pinning of flowers. She primped and left from a friends house and they didn't have time to stop home. I felt a little left out. But the fight came when their was a disagreement over the curfew. Give me the strength!
This fall she will be headed to college approx 300 miles from home. I just pray that she understands what is important in life and what is menial.

We always hope that our children can learn from our own past. That we can save them from themselves in times of bad decisions. I hold out hope that I have planted enough seeds deep into the recesses of all of my children's minds to help them avoid hurt in their lives and loves. For now, sleepless nights of worry, wishing for someone to share this tough parenting time with.

One day at a time. Deep breaths. This too shall pass.

On a lighter note: I am excited to announce that an old post/article of mine is featured on Rich Single Momma's Blog today for her Mothers Day celebration series. I am truly honored. Check it out here. Thank You Samantha.

Me? A Pageant mother?

It is true.

No, I am not sending a toddler out onto the stage in full on makeup and adult dance moves prey to the child predators.

My youngest daughter who just turned eighteen much to the heartache of her mother, is running for Miss Strawberry days.

I admit, the thought of girls parading up and down the stage to be ogled by the audience is a bit unnerving. However the benefits of the program surpass any uneasiness.
For a single mother, a scholarship for a daughter is a big deal.

In addition to the pageant event, the girls are required to create a platform. Despite the confusing title, a platform is a chance for the girls to get creative and come up with their own activity which will get them motivated to service, and potentially help them to raise funds for a charity of their choice.
It is such a great project.
One girl will be tutoring illiterate children and adults.

My daughter, has taken on a huge challenge.
In the next month, just two months prior to her high school graduation, she will be directing, producing, and presenting a small community play. All proceeds to be offered to handicapped individuals, more specifically the Special Olympics.

She will be auditioning, directing and creating the set and stage for a cute little play that she herself wrote.

I was nervous. She has had history of procrastination, of leaving tasks incomplete. But so far, she has impressed me. The scripts are written, edited and copied. She has already made arrangements for the venue, the props and the costumes.
Auditions will be held tomorrow and then the practices will begin.

She is a beautiful girl, inside and out but I could not be more proud of her initiative and organization.

The most amazing thing is that this will all be concurrent with graduation, a drama club performance of 'Children of Eden' and all the other activities that fall into your last few months of high school.

And, unlike most pageants and children's productions and activities, it didn't cost us an arm and a leg in order to win a small scholarship.

I wish her luck in the pageant, of course I think she is the most beautiful, and talented of the bunch. But the benefits she gets from this go well beyond the scholarship money.
I could not be more proud.

Senior pictures

My youngest is a senior in high school this year. I can hardly believe that the time has gone by so quickly. Seems like yesterday I was rocking her to sleep. She has always been the cuddly one. She still likes to cuddle once in a while when we are watching a movie. But she is far from a baby.

 

I am still on the job warpath. There are jobs out there for sure. But there are also a lot of unemployed out there. Add to that, the workers looking to move ahead into the higher positions vying for the same openings I am. And then there was the government job which was filled the day before my interview was set for. Rumors must be true, it isn't what you know but who.

So, money is still really tight. Tighter than it has ever been. We have had to cut back in so many ways, we hardly have a life. My pantry and freezer are nearly bare as we have slowly used up what was once stocked up.

And my baby, my senior is very involved with her drama department this year. Theater is her dream. Whether she becomes a player in the productions, or follows her dreams of owning and running a theater, she is headed that way.
But now, it is an expense that is a strain.
From the letter sweater from the drama club, the workshops, the ticket prices of the productions she is in, and the trips out of town for the clubs she is involved in, it all adds up fast.

Money I have so far been able to pull out..

I have worked full time and also attended night school for most of my kids growing years. We managed the money needed for daily living and also the extras. It was never not a strain, but certainly easier than this year.

However the flip side of that is, that although it has been a struggle to pay for the extras, I have been more available for them.

Doesn't it seem that we as parents have the time, or the money? Rarely both.

But I have been lucky enough to afford both so far this school year. Even if by the skin of our teeth.

In two weeks my daughter has the opportunity to participate in the Shakespeare festival here in the state. Students from all across the country come to compete in a mini olympics of Shakespeare's works.

Last year she was able to compete with the tech crew (lighting and sound) and this year she will be acting in an ensemble team.

Because I am not working, we will be able to travel to see her compete.

My son will also be in town, and the competition is just an hour from where my parents now reside. We will all be able to see her perform.

I am so excited and proud of her.

One of the expenses we have had to put off in order to make all this happen, is her senior portrait costs.

So, we pulled out the camera, drove around our beautiful area and shot some of our own. As you can see by the smattering of photos throughout the post, it was not too much of a sacrifice for her mother to act as photographer.

We saved money, had great mother daughter bonding time, enjoyed the wonderful end of the summer weather, and I think the pictures turned out better than the stagnant studio shots.

Why I blog-

People who do not blog or have never even read a blog don't understand fully the depth of a blog.

I began my blog a couple years ago to tell my story. It didn't matter if no one commented on it or even read it. It was MY place. A place where I could write out my feelings much like a journal and memories I would like to keep forever in print. It has become so much more.

Blogging is a social community. A place to read about and possible help others. Some who may be fighting the same fight as you. Other single parents making their way through life's struggles and joy. Others who understand the challenge of dating as a parent. Others who may be facing challenges in their lives that may or may not be similar to your own. Others who have much advice and happiness to share.

I have been able to empathize with so many others in this virtual world. Made virtual friends who I may or may not actually meet face to face some day but who I would like to.

It is like a virtual 'Friends' coffee shop. Friends meeting at Central Perk to discuss life's intricacies. Most times without repercussion. It is a feel good place to be.

But then there are times it hits you hard in the heart. And you realize it is so much more than virtual. It is real. You follow some through battles too large to overcome.
Such is the case for a man I have followed from the beginning. He was one of the first blogs I read.

A Single father of two beautiful and young kids. He began his most recent blog near the same time as I began mine and in his post, he was just undergoing a biopsy. Which turned out to be malignant. It all started from a tiny mole found on his ear.

The past two years, I have followed the ups and downs of his story. His fear of doctors news, his anguish awaiting test results. His time with his kids. His dating life. He has had such a positive outlook on life no matter the struggle.

Yesterday September 18, 2010 his struggle ended. His words bring tears to my eyes.
"I'm sorry, everyone. I did my best."  


If you didn't get a chance to know Depot dad You missed knowing a great and courageous man.


There is a sadness in the blogging world today. RIP Jim. Peace to you and your young children. 

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. ~Erma Bombeck

Single mothers are often faced with the dilemma making the paychecks or the support stretch enough to cover the monthly bills, put food on the table and keep the kids clothed and warm. To do anything extra, anything out of the norm, can really be too expensive to even think about doing. Birthday parties, Christmas and other holidays could be financially draining.

Then trying to explain to young kids why it is possible for other families to take week long vacations to Disneyland, Six Flags or even more elaborate places such as Europe or Mexico.

We have taken many road trips, droven to local and semi-local parks and sites. It was an inexpensive way to get out of town, see things we can't see at home, and spend some real quality time together. Many good times and a lot of great memories have been made.

Most every year I would receive a decent tax refund; enough that we could plan small trips. And most every one of those years, something unexpected. would come up. We were glad to have the money, when repairs were needed. But we vacations always seemed to get postponed or forgotten. Would have been fun to see some of the places the kids were learning about in school.

During the past thirteen years we were able to take a few great trips.

The year of my divorce, my parents had worked out a trip to Disneyland for my sister, and I and our families. It was a great reprieve from the stresses for us all. And I was so grateful to my parents.







A few years after that trip, my children took a really long road trip with my ex's parents. They drove through the Yukon and up to Alaska to see their dad for a week. I hope they were old enough that they will remember that time forever.





Five years ago, we were lucky enough to save up enough money for the four of us to take a longer road trip to Las Vegas. It was perfect timing when Vegas was running marketing towards children and families and creating a real family atmosphere.




We rode amusement park rides, toured museums (including Madame Tussauds ),  we toured the casinos and ate some great food. Thanks to Hotels.com and some pre-planning, we were able to see and do a lot on a small budget.
We even ran into a free art show of some 3D art in Caesar's Palace mall. The internet is a great source of information from other frugal parents and their tips. We got a suite  off the main strip cheaper than the big hotels and were able to cook some of our own meals in our room also saving money.

The last trip we have taken, also a road trip was nearly across the entire country. Three years ago, my son graduated from Basic training for the army the summer between his junior and senior years of high school. He called and said that we were invited to his graduation, or he could just fly home.

I decided right then, we would find a way to get there to pick him up and watch him march on this very important day. And we did.

The girls and I were able to drive through eleven states, see some of the most famous sights of this country, we stayed one night with a friend and many inexpensive hotels.

We watched his ceremony and he saw much of the country with us on the way home from Kentucky. It is a trip we will never forget.



 And now, in less than a week, we will be embarking on our first trip to the islands. My parents are celebrating their landmark 45th wedding anniversary and once again, my parents are making it possible for my sister, I and all of our children to take a cruise to some really beautiful places to help them celebrate. My son won't be able to come as he is still serving our country across the globe. And we will miss having him there. But we are so excited to spend some time together in some really gorgeous scenery.

It seems that things are appreciated more when they are well earned and infrequent. I will miss them so much when they are grown and on their own, and I cherish all of these moments with my children, my parents and my sister. Life is short.

I don't want a moment to pass by without all of my family knowing how I feel, the beach will make it even better!

A wonderful Post by a fellow blogger

Although my blog does not have a large following, There are many I follow nearly daily.
Often I can really relate to the posts as they are struggling single parents or just struggling parents.
Sometimes it is happiness they post about.

Every once in a while you will read a post the just speaks to you. Whether it is how you feel and just dont know how to put it into words. Whether it is a new view or insight into something you thought you already knew.

or sometimes it is just the feeling of yes! yes exactly what I want to say.

Well Christina - Over at solomom.com did just that!

I love this piece. It is what I want to say.

An oil change and a summer walk

Wow! This summer is flying by. I wish I could find more time to write here. I miss this blog. But so much going on, and when there is nothing going on, I just feel like doing nothing.

I think the winter months are when I write my better stuff, wrapped up in a blanket, hot cup of coffee in hand. Summer months you want to get out when it is cool, get the yard work done, spend every last drop of sunlit hours of the day you can doing anything you can. For me, it is hard to spend the summer, my favorite months indoors at a computer. I would imagine that some of that comes from the fact that as an engineer, I sit indoors at a computer a lot of those daylight summer hours.

Summer months can also mean a lot of extra house and yard work. It seems there is always something around here in need of repair. The past couple weeks it has been cars and the air conditioning (which in my area is a roof mounted swamp cooler). My swamp cooler needed the regular tune-up but also began to leak into my house... two days repair and it still needs something. I am not at my best at increased heights but I managed.

Next I had car problems, a friend came by to help me as she has family members who know mechanics, and she herself has repaired her own car many a time. Being a single parent on a limited income it can really save you money if you can do any of your own repairs. Car, house, furniture.. any repairs you would otherwise pay someone to do.


Yesterday, I tackled for the first time ever, changing the oil in my car. Other than buying the wrong oil filter, struggling with the bolt plug that was on pretty tight, and the tight space under the car putting my claustrophobia into overdrive, it went really well. And boy did it need it!


Afterward, while getting some house cleaning and laundry caught up, my youngest and I popped in the latest NetFlix delivery.
One Flew over the cuckoos nest starring one of my favorites, Jack Nicholsen in a winning performance. I am not sure why I have never seen this movie before but I surely have missed out on a great movie.

Later, after a great dinner of stuffed pork loin and cabbage we took one of the dogs for a summer evening walk. I love summer evenings.







all in all it was a great Saturday. Productive, nostalgic, and relaxing and I found time to write here too.

Single mothers where you least expect them

I hope that my thoughts and reviews of older movies are not getting mundane or boring.

We have had a lot of spring rain over the past week. Although I love the rain, I prefer to stay in watching old movies while listening to it fall on the windows and rooftop to actually being in it.
So a few days ago, I poured a cup of tea and snuggled in to watch another movie from my Netflix account.
In a recent post, I wrote an account of the movie Kramer vs. Kramer and how the events in my life changed the way I viewed it. This past week I viewed, Places in the heart another movie I viewed for the first time while in my teens. When I added it to my movie queue about all I could recall about this movie was that it was about a woman and her struggle to keep her farm. However I couldn't really recall what the actual struggle was.

Turns out, early on in the movie she becomes a widow and single mother. Her characters' struggles are somewhat typical of many single parents, such as learning to live without someone to wake up to or turn to during tragedy and trial. She struggles taking on what would have been her late husbands role. She lives in the deep south in a time of segregation. She becomes friends with two somewhat unlikely subjects and they all end up leaning on each other and become fast friends. They are all three facing challenge in their different ways and able to lean on each other.

Single parents cannot possibly survive without others to support them. In my life, it has been close friends, other single parents, my parents and even my own children who have helped me face the difficulties and challenges throughout the past twelve years.

Sally Fields character is stubborn and strong, but also has moments of self-defeat, worry, and fear. I can relate to all of those feelings. While she is struggling with her sudden thrust into singlehood, her sister is strugging with infidelity and forgiveness, another aspect I can relate to.

I was awarded our house in my divorce, it has been a blessing and a burden. Without a roof over our heads, I don't know where we would have gone. Without the house I am in and the mortgage and payments figured prior to the huge rate increases of the past ten years, I would never be able to afford a house on my own.

There have been times during my life as a single mother when coming up with the mortgage was tough. The house itself has cost me thousands in repairs and upkeep. I sometimes thought it would have been easier to rent and let someone else worry about the repairs. But it was worth the struggles to give my children a house of our own. A yard to play in, each a bedroom of their own. In the movie she is determined to keep her family together and in their own home, in her case a cotton farm.

This time, I watched the movie as a single parent. I read a lot of blogs written by single parents. whether by widowhood or divorce, single parents face a lot of the same challenges. Whether ex's are still in the children's lives or not, whether the relationship is civil or strained, whether the kids are young or grown, parenting solo has challenges and rewards.

The strength that the main character has in the movie is unyielding and I try everyday to keep the positive strength that she shows in the movie.

I highly recommend this movie to anyone, it is not all about singleparenting. The movie touches on many other struggles and also hope. A real feel good movie that touches your heart. Probably not as much a favorite with the guys. Perfect for a rainy day.

Single parents who also attend school

I have mentioned a time or two on this blog that while I raised my kids, I also attended night school while working a full-time job.
Ever since I started this blog, I have been told by a few, that I should write about the struggles that went along with that. I have been attempting to write about it. I was concerned I wouldn't be able to word it in a way that would make sense. Two or three nights a week of classes, another four or five nights of homework. Juggling with children's' sport events, PTA meetings, Parent teacher, school plays and concerts was difficult. Keeping up my own grades while ensuring that my children keep up with theirs. Family events, babysitters, house cleaning, bill paying, grocery shopping, birthday parties, something has to give there aren't enough hours in a day.
But today I read a guest post on a blog I frequently read and I hope that she doesn't mind my posting a link.
This is exactly what I lived for nearly eight years time.
Single parents juggling school- thank you to Rich Single momma and her guest poster, Abhishek Agarwal.

If you know a single parent, pat them on the back and let them know you understand. If you know a single parent who also attends school, offer to help them out. Shop for them, babysit, take them a hot meal, anything to help take the edge off. - warning: if they are stubborn like me they may refuse to take it. Try anyway.
(not me in the photo)

Winner winner chicken dinner

Just a quick thank you post to Rich single momma for hosting a giveaway on her sight last week.
She is giving away a copy of her book 100 secrets of a successful single mother. And yours truly is her latest winner! I am so excited and cat wait for my copy to arrive.
Even though I am reaching the end of my stint as a single mother in its most real sense, I will always be a mother.
check her out! She has great financial advice for single parents and everyone really.

On a second note another favorite read of mine is the antics of Single parent Dad and his son Max. Thier daily adventures take me back to being a kid again. He is also having a givaway here. ‘ Single Parent Dad is offering readers a Wii’ and Ciao.co.uk.

Struggles are lessons

Although I have been a full-time single parent for a very long time, and certainly busy with other activity both working and night school, I have hesitated to ever use it as an excuse or a crutch. Rather the opposite. If a professor knew I was a single mother, or that I was juggling a full-time job during the day, he/she had not heard it from me. Because I was attending night school there were many classmates with spouses, or children, and many with full-time jobs. I am not sure how many were doing all of them single handed. But I often heard excuses.
Such as:
My wife and I are going away for the weekend, I can’t get all that homework done.
My kid is sick, my boss kept me late at work, and any other million and one excuses.

I hated to use it, I hated to say it, I guess I am stubborn in that way. When my kids were sick, when they made me sick, when the boss needed something extra at work, when there was a school program or Parent teacher meeting, I always managed to make it all work. I never took time off work with a sick child without using up precious vacation time. Usually ending up sick myself and struggling through work with that.

I am just not a NO person, sometimes I wish I were. I hate when people think I need help and I hate more than that, to take it.

In some ways the need is due to stubbornness, and insisting I do it alone. In other ways, such as repair and improvements to my house, or my car, it is necessity usually due to funding. Who wants to ask for money?

I have been known to blame my ex husband for not paying support on time- under my breath. I have been known to blame my boss for keeping me late- under my breath. It always seemed I actually would truly blame myself when things didnt work out perfectly. Always trying to prove to myself that I could do it all, all by myself. So I would not openly tell anyone reasons why I couldnt do something, I would just find a way to do it. Sometimes falling into bed with less than five hours sleep, or missing out on my own activities with friends in order to get it all done.

But the older I get, the longer I live, the more stress and struggle I encounter, the better I am at taking advice, accepting help, insisting on help from the kids, and taking less of the blame on my own shoulders.
I have become a stronger woman, I have become more outspoken, and I am beginning to reap some reward from that.

I hope that I can continue to do that. I don’t want to come across as a b-i-o-t-c-h but I do not want to be a doormat either.

In my teens I was scared to be me; in my twenties, I was unsure who me was; in my thirties, I have been discovering the real me; I will be forty this summer and I am ready to just enjoy being me!

If you know someone who is carrying a large load, and telling you that s/he is fine. Help them anyway. Take off some of the burden they wont ask for help and they will probably not agree to the help. But sometimes it is just nice to hear, 'let me do that, while you go take a hot shower.'

Cats in the cradle

As quickly as the father of my children came into town, he is gone again. He arrived in town on Sunday night, in time for bed, called the kids each separately for a ten minute call.
Monday morning while the girls were in school, he took my son with him. Beginning with breakfast at his ( the dad) favorite cafe. It is a great place to eat I agree, but would it kill him to ask my son what he would like? Next they headed to Cabelas, an enormous outdoor sports mans store large enough to house all the homeless in the entire western states alone. Turns out this particular store is not in Alaska.
My ex husband and his past two wives are true Alaskans- They hunt not your average deer and geese, but also bear, cougars, and other larger than life wild animals. So going to this particular store is, I am sure, a real treat for their father.
However, he has but two days to spend with who should be his number one priority. He chose to spend the day, showing this new wife around the wild animal torsos hanging on the wall (I hear they took photos) , a treat for the two of them, an intimate honeymoon moment for the two of them. Discussing and questioning the many types of fish in the indoor ponds. My son didn't say it, he never would, but I am sure that he felt like a third wheel. No one should EVER feel like a third wheel when with their parent.
I realize that he is on his honeymoon, I realize that this is a time when they are still learning about each other. But his children are what she should be learning about in these two days, and they about her. Thing is, my son barely knows his father, let alone this new wife. As my son relayed their day out with me, not once did he mention talking to his father about what is going on in his own life. My son has been in rigorous military training for the past two years, with tough times and also some really great experiences that he and I have discussed at length. His father, also a veteran, didn't inquire.
Later in the day when they picked up their sisters after school their next stop was to visit with relatives of my ex, who my children have met a time or two but whom are literal strangers to them. That being so, it was my exes uncle who cared enough to ask my son what job he was assigned in the military. Then talk quickly turned to discussion about the time my ex served in the reserves... it is always about him.
That evening my son asked to be dropped off at home as my best friends son was having a birthday at a local trampoline jumping gym and although her son is only eleven, asked my son to come (I too went in support of my friend and am stiff and sore as I am typing this) . My son is a very compassionate person however I feel that if his relationship with his father were different, he would have missed out on the jumping in order to spend more time with his father on his short visit.
That night, my younger daughter had to work and my son was out with us, so my older daughter had some one-on-one with her father.. and his wife. They chose to go mini-golfing. Fun for my daughter I suppose but she has not said much. This hurt me a little as a mother.. I shouldn't let it get to me but one of my sons favorite things to do? Mini golf, any golf really. But then, my ex would not know that, and honestly, was not here for any one's benefit but his own. They had dinner together, at the fast food joint that my daughters both work at. The place they have food more than they care too. I think he may have chosen it as my younger daughter was working that night and they could say hello, but seriously?!

Yesterday, again while the girls were in school, my son went with him once more. Beginning with breakfast at the same establishment, more meetings with relatives, and then home to pick up the girls. they stopped in to drop off their school books, and grab some of our photos to copy. I am sure he didn't have any photos of his kids to show this new wife. After making copies of all the photos at the local super mart, they headed to his hotel room- yes I said hotel room. While there they viewed pictures of their honeymoon trip so far, and pictures of her children. Then they headed to a local park on their way home to take some 'family photos'. How is that for an oxymoron? They didn't say much about their evening when they got home. I am sure that the kids went with him, hoping that they would get to tell him about what is going on in their own lives, but from past experiences, I am sure they never got that chance.

He leaves town this morning, heading south to see his mother and sisters.

There was a time in the past, when the kids would get emotional and ask me when they would see him again. Not this time.
There was a time when they would cry on my shoulder how much they will miss him. Not this time.
There was a time when they would wish that he would be here for future programs and events coming up in their lives. Not this time.

Funny, years ago when I was dating this man, and his father was not in his life much, and he would get emotional about it, I was there. I recall the day, only about a year before we married, that his father and mother announced their pending divorce. I held my ex while he explained how it hurt to think of his parents split even though his father was rarely around. I remember bringing up the emotional Harry Chapin song, cats in the cradle. I remember telling him that some day, his father would regret the times he was not there to see his son growing and his achievements. My then fiance, quickly dismissed my remarks as pure nonsense. He was more than a bit peeved that I would think such a thing of his father.
He and his father have a very sterile relationship to this day. They do not know each other, they do not talk but once a year or so. I do not know of any regrets his father does or does not have. I do not know of any regrets that my ex has either.
All I do know, is that I told my son, if he treats his own potential future children, or anyone else for that matter, in this way I will kick his @ss into tomorrow! And I meant it.
And I also know there is no chance of that! And so does he.

The past comes to visit

I don't write much about my ex husband and father of my children here. Not that there isn't a whole story there. However, most of it is in the past, or just not a part of everyday life. When my ex husband and I divorced just over 11 years ago and he moved in with his soon to be wife, it was the most painful heartache I have felt in my life. Months later, the first Christmas I was to spend without my children, was alleviated when he chose to spend that week on his honeymoon. He and his new wife moved only about 50 miles away but time spent with his children was sporadic , and then rare. A couple years later he moved again, this time about 2000 miles away and the kids time with their father was reduced to once a year for a couple days. If they were lucky.
He could have made it work, the long distance I mean, if he would have picked up the phone a little more often. (phone calls are as rare as a couple times a year) But he never found the time. This has been a double edged sword. The children love him, they miss him, he is their dad. But they don't know him. And the rare instances with him bring back the hurt feelings and wonder of just how they fit into his life.
Last week was the commencement of his third marriage. I used to love this man. I wish him well, I wish him happiness. But I wish it more so, for my children, our children.

He is in town this week, I am sure it is for his own personal gratification, to show off his latest acquisition, his wife. He also likes to show off his kids. MY kids. He is an unwarranted, proud daddy. He has set aside three days, of his honeymoon, starting today, to meet with my kids.
Of course they have mixed feelings. They feel awkward, it is like they are meeting with a stranger. AND his new wife, another stranger. They feel more than a bit slighted, he talks on and on about his two children from marriage #2, the ones he has been with the past 9 years, and also about wife #3's children who will now have his time. But rarely asks questions about what is going on with our kids. My kids. How do you make someone understand what should come naturally to them? How do you make someone care about their own children?

This will be a tough week for my kids. All I can do is, as I have done for the past eleven years, be here with a warm supportive hug and kiss. Open to discussion as they need.
I have begun to hate the past in my present.

On a lighter note: Black Jack and Rachel relaxing on Sunday afternoon

In other news!
We can no longer call Rachel metal mouth, or rail road tracks... Yahoo!
She got her braces off!
Pictures to follow.