Today celebrate your freedom in the US

Happy Veteran's day to my oldest and only son- I love you more each day and could not be more proud of you my son.

 It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you. 

Author Unknown 

I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask, Mother, what was war? 

Eve Merriam 




Live well and be grateful!

Haven't even had a moment to share the good news! I am employed!!!!
It is not the dream job, quite a commute and at a much lower salary- however it pays the bills.

The first three days have gone well. I seem to have made quite the impression on my new boss and at the same time, the exact opposite impression on one other new co-worker.

Such is the working world I suppose.

I do miss spending so much time with my daughter. It was nice after all those years of working and schooling full time to spend some long hours with my girls. It is fine, we can still schedule time for sure and  now we might have a few extra dollars to help with that.

By no means am I back to a point where I feel the burden shifting, there is still little money in the bank, my credit is not where I wish it were after the ID theft and no income.

There are so many repairs to be done, expensive repairs. It will be a long time until I can truly feel as though I have a handle on things. Especially at the lower pay. But I once again feel as though I am contributing to the workings of the world. That I am making a difference in some way.

It has been a little tough getting up with an alarm, and I am still not sleeping through the night...maybe that will change. One day at a time.


I am now wishing the same for all my friends and family who are still looking for good work. Those who are struggling more than I am.
______
On another note:
Here in Utah we have four full seasons of weather. For longer than I can remember, those seasons have melded together into some grotesque mask of what they should be.

This year however has been glorious! A Summer that began warm a little hotter near August and then slowly cooled into the fall temperatures late September... Some areas nearby got a skiff of snow last night. We have yet to get snow but I am a little more prepared for winter this year. It could be the slow weather changes rather than storms in the summer. Or it could be life seems a bit sweeter altogether with the job and the renewed spirit.

All I know is that for the first time in a LONG time I am ready to take on what is ahead. I am excited to see tomorrow and as weird as it sounds, once again feel like the Head of the household once again.

I am getting excited for the holidays, something that I never fully felt last year. How about you? Are you excited to decorate? To purchase gifts (even on a tight budget)? Are you excited to see family? or children who have moved away?

 I think today I will bake some pumpkin bread and spice up the house. It is good for the soul.

Eat, drink and be scary. ~Author Unknown

No good news to report on the job front... 

But had a wonderful weekend in some 80+ degree weather with extended family and friends.

 So glad we had a chance (me and my girls) to get together with family and celebrate the holiday.

 We attended a bewitching party with great food, entertainment and conversation.

 Everyone dressed as witches. A whole room full of hats and warts.

 A skit acted out to the Dixie Chicks 'Goodbye Earl'.

And now were are home once again and I have a head cold as I sit here searching the job boards--- still

Last day before the cool air of Autumn kisses our cheeks.

"I cannot endure to waste anything as precious as autumn sunshine by staying in the house. 
So I spend almost all the daylight hours in the open air.-  Nathaniel Hawthorne

Maybe you have noticed my new header photo. That was taken last weekend on a last minute afternoon drive into the mountains. We have had a wonderfully wet season this year and thus the colors are excessively brilliant. 

Boredom and anticipation of my impeding calls from employers were getting the best of me. I was feeling a bit stir-crazy. I enlisted my daughter and her boyfriend to take a drive with me to Sundance resort. Home of the Academy Award winning actor- Robert Redford. It is also home to much of the Sundance film festival held each year although it has grown to such a grand affair as to spread into larger areas.

"In 1969 it started with an idea and $500; this is the place, the place where it all started. - Robert Redford.

It was a sight to behold. 


The mountains were ablaze with colors. The air, although still warm for October was fresh and fragrant. 

I can not help but think it was this time of year which Redford, gazing upon the mountainside came up with the name for his resort which was built the year I was born. The sun does dance upon the mountainside.

If you look at this last photo, see the area of light brown dirt? The house just above that is Redford's house. 

And a little closer to home 

This is a long week. Much waiting and anticipation. Still pouring over job boards and applications. 

I took a long walk to stretch my limbs and breathe in the fresh air one last time. We are supposed to get the storms tomorrow.

I managed to snap a few shots of the mountain looming over the town. But wouldn't you know, as the grey clouds began to move in over the sunset I ran my battery dry. I missed a few shots of the rain clouds falling neatly into the lake. A few of the sunset shining toward the eastern mountain enhancing the colored leaves of the trees on its face.

But managed to get some really nice shots and return home before a sprinkling of autumn rain.

“Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.” Stacey Charter

Timing seems to be my enemy this week.
I have not posted in over a week as I was hoping to post when I was once again on a payroll.

It has not happened yet.

I still wait.

Of the two jobs I wrote about in my last post, one called stating I was still very much 'in the running' for the position. And yet, I wait. Wait for them to get approval for the added position, wait for the meetings and discussions for the expenditures of bringing in a new employee. Could be up to two more weeks.

The other job, I have heard nothing from.

Both were to contact me this past week. One did- late Friday afternoon.

It seems there is a catch 22 in effect here. Companies are also tight in this recession, unable to spend money. Which causes the job hiring to suffer.

And I, and so many are on the other side- needing some of that corporate money.

And so I have time-----and yet I am at the mercy of time.

Two weeks means monthly bills due. And no money to pay them.

Time means a good couple weeks before seeing any money even if a job were offered.

Time is usually on our side as the saying goes.

Here is hoping for a phone call very soon, with very good news.

Two frogs fell into a deep cream bowl,
one was an optimistic soul; But the other took the gloomy view,
"i shall drown, "he cried, "and so will you."
So with a last despairing cry,
He closed his eyes and said "Good-bye."
But the other frog, with a merry grin
Said, "I can't get out, but I won't give in!
I'll swim around till my strength is spent.
For having tried, I'll die content."
Bravely he swam until it would seem
His struggles began to churn the cream.
On the top of the butter at last he stopped
And out of the bowl he happily hopped.
WHAT IS THE MORAL?
It's easily found.
If you can't get out--Keep swimming around !

“Whatever with the past has gone, the best is always yet to come.” Lucy Larcom

Another year has come to pass. As I today add another notch to my 'headboard' of life.

I am still awaiting the final calls and offers this week before that huge decision will be made.

I find it a bit Ironic that it would be my birthday week that would bring the best gift I can think of getting this year.

Two years ago this week, I lost myself- Literally. Just before my birthday that year, I was the victim of both a robbery and an identity theft. Scary to say the least.

Thus began a downward spiral in my professional and financial life.

But on this crisp autumn morning, I sit here alone in silence. Sipping my coffee and just enjoying. The past few nights have been the best sleep I have had in over a year. I am content. I am still a bit nervous, waiting for news on the job offers. But I feel a relief that has become as foreign to me as the sound of an alarm clock in the wee hours.

I can feel it inside, this is a new beginning. A new start. A new Chapter.

I am an empty-nester,  I am sliding into middle age, and I am ready for the new changes.

I feel a bit like the child with a broken bone, removing the cast. Able to move once again. The patient just healing from pneumonia breathing freely once again. I feel healthy and vibrant and ready to take on what comes. Another feeling lost long ago.

Nothing is a sure thing and I am not yet on any payroll- But I have a renewed hope and faith.

Today is a good day for celebrating.

Decisions- Decisions.

As I have mentioned before, the job interview process really sucks. Selling yourself, making those words on paper come to life with confidence and self assurance. Especially when with each day and with each rejection letter- or lack there of- causes your self esteem to diminish that much more.

And here I sit today, some good news- a miracle of sorts. Two jobs for which I have been called back for second interviews, passed the test so far. And once again, trying hard not to get too overly excited, not to jump to assumptions.

And yet, another sleepless night.

Why? 

The two potential job offers, are very different roles, very different industries. 

I can see myself in both roles. I can see the possibility of advancement in both. One of the most frustrating things I have faced in the job hunt is that the salary and company benefits seem to be a secret, seem hidden until the actual offer of employment is offered. Benefits are also held captive from the interviewee.

This makes it so difficult to make decisions. It is also difficult when interviewing for two positions at the same time. If I am offered a job today (on my second in-person interview and plant tour) and I have yet to hear back from the other job (next week) what will I say? 

I am in a bit of a limbo.. afraid to make too rash of a decision on a job which I hope to hold me through retirement. Afraid also to put on hold in order to weigh the advantages of the second choice. I don't want to burn any bridges- especially considering the job market and job security issues in this recession.

Today I may have to make this decision. 

I try to go with my gut feeling as some have suggested, thing is my gut is giving no signs.

Don't get me wrong, I am so relieved to HAVE any offers. But more than one makes it that more difficult.

Defeat should never be a source of discouragement but rather a fresh stimulus. Robert South

I struggle to recall a time when life just came easy. I mean smooth sailing, no stress, no money worries- kind of easy.
I married pretty young. Just before my twentieth birthday. Younger than two of my children are now.
But that was not a struggle.
We purchased our own house-our first house that same year.
Things were going really well for us.
Our house was filled with hand-me-down furniture and decor, but it was ours.
Six months later on our first Christmas Eve, we discussed the idea of starting a family. We figured it would take a while... six months at least.
My first born, my son's due date was September 26th. My birthday. And if you do the math, it didn't take us six months.

It was a good year, money was good enough for me stop working and return to school. We purchased our first house, our first car-straight off the showroom floor, and things were going well.

Until it all started... the spiral.
It began with my first labor sensation. I was five weeks early.

I was scared but continued on trusting

After thirteen hours of labor and tests and worry and uncertainty, my son came into this world. He was early and small but healthy. He spent a week in intensive care and made huge strides in development then came home.
I was not healthy. The reason for my early labor, the reason I was forced to pant through the contractions and pushing, the reason my young son was pulled out with forceps and Cesarean was out of the question was my blood. It was not clotting. I was sick. Platelet count was about 150,000 less than needed. Tests were taken, biopsy's and transfusions followed.

The most painful test of all. A bone marrow test- a test for Leukemia.

I was scared but continued on trusting.

Tests came back negative for cancer. Surgery was scheduled. My spleen was removed. It seems my own body was fighting itself. Then I came home to my baby. Not cured but treated.
Husband was let go from his job- unreliable, missed too much work, to be with me.
Just a year and a half later, pregnant with my second. Still in college. My husband, a weekend warrior is sent to Desert Storm. He is safe, stationed in Germany. I am alone. Money it tight, soldiers pay is minimal.

I was scared but continued on trusting.


He came home, our daughter was one month old. Our bills were not paid. Our American dream, our house in foreclosure. They said there would be aid. There was not.

We had no choice, we moved in with my parents. I graduated school the same month my third child was born while there.
One more year and we were able to buy our second home. It was something that was ours.
Things were looking up. I was working once again to help with the expenses. But they were still tight. We fought of money often. Then just two years later, he left us.

I was scared but continued on trusting.


I had never been alone, it was terrifying. I had never been in charge of my own finances and he left them in a state. Multiple payments past due, and my accounts empty. But I worked hard and payed them up. The kids  were upset and it was up to me to console them as he was preparing for - yes his second marriage. We were strong- together. Then a few years later, after months and months of court and fighting for support. The announcement. He was moving. 2000 miles away from his children.

I was scared but continued on trusting. 

We did it just fine. Weekends with my kids were never a burden to me. I returned to college once more. I wanted more for us. More for me in my stagnant career. Long days at work, nights at school, and three kids full time kept us all busy.  And then the company was moved to Mexico. The job I held for twelve years was to be eliminated.

I was scared but continued on trusting.


I was offered a position at a small company. I knew the work. I gave up a five figure severance package to take the job. But it was a great offer and stability. Two years later I am a graduate. Same month as my oldest graduated high school. It was a rite of passage for us both. Until the company, not yet making a profit- ran out of funding. I was once more eliminated. And once again...

I was scared but continued on trusting.


It took a few months, I was able to score another gig. A long commute, a stressful and toxic workplace. It paid the bills- for the most part. Until the downsizing. I felt tired and defeated and a little less self confident.


I was scared but continued on trusting.

I am now on my sixteenth month without a paycheck. Nearly every resource has been extinguished both monetarily and emotionally. I am limping. I am scared. But... I keep on trusting. Trusting in faith? Trusting in Fate? Trusting in hope?

I do not know.

This week brings me some potential changes. This week brings me some possibility.

But then, I have been there before. Here is hoping.

“I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everyone would have to play from the rough, not just me.” Seve Ballesteros

The words are just not coming to me right now. 

This video says a lot as to how I am feeling.

Enjoy

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White

There is something about Ron White, his comedy is brash and offensive, probably and alcoholic and just plain funny. If I am feeling down, a skit or two of his and I am in stitches.

I felt that a quote of his was perfect to get this holiday weekend started and as an opener for a recipe I created last night after a game of what I like to call pantry bingo.

Those who have seen Ron's comedy might be expecting 'Tater Salad' one of my specialties however not on the menu tonight.

I suppose if I had to give this dish a name, I would have to call it

Lemon Chicken

What you will need:

           1                 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast

           1/4 c           White Flour

           1/2 c           White wine

           1 Tbs          Garlic (minced)

           1/4              Medium white onion (chopped)

           1 Tbs          Real Butter

           1/2 c           Milk

           1                 Lemon (or 2-3 Tbs of lemon juice)

           1 c              Fresh mushrooms sliced

           1 Tbs          Parsley (chopped)

           4 servngs    Pasta (cooked al dente)

                             Salt and pepper (to taste)

Heat skillet on med heat with a bit of olive oil and teaspoon of butter. Cut breast in half horizontally and then in half again (top to bottom) creating four thin sections. 

If pieces are thick, they may be flattened with a meat mallet or heavy rolling pin.

Salt and pepper each side of piece liberally, then dredge through flour until coated. Place in hot oiled pan. Cook each side just long enough for a light brown color. Remove chicken from pan.

Add remaining butter, garlic, and onion to the pan. when onions begin to caramelize, add mushrooms. Cook a few minutes longer then add the wine. Turn heat up slightly and bring to a boil. Add juice from the lemon, then the milk. (Milk will begin to curdle slightly from the juice, use a whisk to mix well)

add parsley and place chicken back into pan.

Reduce heat and let simmer about Ten minutes.

Serve warm over pasta.

I am not sure that this is an original recipe, However, I did not use one. I also did not get any in process photos as I was unsure of the result. 

But it turned out wonderful and even better day two. 

Have a fabulous and safe holiday weekend. May this Labor day bring some new employment opportunities to those of us searching. 

I've always been an independent person, but that independence was in the setting of security. Patricia Heaton

A little over a week has passed since her first day in a new school. A school which to an eighteen year old looks as gigantic and daunting as that grade school did to the tiny five year old.

And yet the excitement and energy of independence is flowing through her veins as they did some thirteen years ago.

Of my three, she is the child most self-assured. The last of my three babies, the one I hoped to hold the longest was the one who didn't like to be coddled. Wiggle and squirm, until set loose.



Her first episode of autonomy at the young age of six. Bent stick in hand, a bandanna tied to the tip. weighed down by its contents: a change of shirt, underwear, a stuffed animal from the fair, and a can of peas. She stated she was leaving. Brought on by the insistence of a clean room.

She made it as far as one trip around the subdivision block. Home in tears.

Her first day of elementary school, was not to be shared. Not only was I working and she in daycare, she did not need me there. She was all grown up and didn't want the kids to think she couldn't go it alone.

And now, she is a little further than that.

She is independent, she is strong, she is oozing will power and self-determination. And yet-------

She has called nearly every day.

Not because she needs me. She is faring well.

She calls because she wants to share this new step in her life with me.

Among the teasing of her room-mates, about calling home. She calls to share her experience with her best friend. The friend who has been with her and behind her every step of her life. Her mother.

The older she got, the more she cuddled. It could have been the divorce, or just life's challenges but she never lost her autonomy.

I feel blessed. My children turned out ok. I feel proud, they are all upstanding adults. And I feel humbled, they all converse with me on a regular basis- Because they want me to be a part of it all.

"For over two decades my number one pursuit was raising my children well, and now the job is over, and here I stand like a high level, high stress but low paid CEO who's company just got bought out."- T-shirt design on http://www.zazzle.com

I have been a mom for twenty-two years this week. I became a mom just one month before my twentieth birthday.
I am still a mom.

The leash is a lot longer now, but the connection is still there.

My house is near empty now. Just one child home. These are the days I have talked about for years. When their father and I decided to start our family young, there were many friends who were also starting families. There were also many who thought we were nuts.
We were often told we were giving up our own youth. And to some degree maybe that had some truth to it.

Our response was most often

 "If we have them young, we will have the energy to keep up with them. And then, when they are grown, we will be young enough to go and play and enjoy our own freedoms."

And here we are. We certainly never expected that we would be a broken family. Funny how the future doesn't always come out the way we expect.

Moving into the empty-nest stage of my life as a mother is also not how I had planned it would be.

I can remember when Baby Boomers- my parents generation were the target audience. I find more and more that advertisements and sales are geared to my own generation. One hit wonders from the 80s on clothing and food advertisements. Many fashions I recognize from my teen years once again on the shelves. They know what they are doing. Raising kids.

Most of my friends have school age children. Ranging from kindergarten to college students. And we are the parents who are watching those ads. We are the parents sending them to school. And picking up the bill in turn filling the pockets of those companies selling the wares.

But when your children leave the house- out on their own, how should you feel? What are the emotions that come with this stage?

I speak to friends who are in such a hurry to start their childless lives that they insist that their kids move out on their eighteenth birthday. Make their own way and grow up. Many from parents who just recently grew up themselves.
Or there are the parents who just cant let go. They make their children go to the local college so that they can still wake them, drive them, and pack their lunches. Doesn't this lead to the aforementioned Peter Pan syndrome?
I suppose I am neither of those.

If I were still married, or married again... maybe I would feel differently about an empty house. It does feel empty. I do miss my kids. Terribly.  I am concerned about how they will fare on their own. And of course I am so proud of the adults they are becoming.

But for a single parent- it is a whole different feeling I suppose.

The emptiness is more than just the empty bedrooms I pass at night, no sleepy eyes peeking out at the sliver of light from the hallway, It is more than the absence of sleepless nights waiting for the click of the front door lock signalling they are home safe. And it is more than the empty seats around me as I curl up for a movie on the couch.

It is a peculiar kind of empty.

I have gone it solo for over fourteen years. I had four schedules in my head. I had four mouths to feed. I had four bodies to get to bed. Everything I did or thought was in Fours. I ran on adrenaline most of the time. I didn't have time for rest. I had a job to do and did it.
My mind has been for many years focused on three children while I attended and studied for night school.
My mind has been focused on being the best employee I could be in order to provide for the four of us.

And now.

I no longer keep four schedules, meals or bedtimes--- just one.

I no longer focus on my education--- that is done.

At the moment, I do not focus on my employment I have none.

My world has changed. It is my time to have fun- sure. I am emotional- sure.

But I am also a little bit lost and confused.

All I know is being the best mother I can be. I still strive for that.

But my full-time jobs- Mother, wage-earner and student- are no longer full time.

And so. I Exist. I am, I always will be mom. I will always be a student and I will once again be a wage-earner.

It will just be a new mom role. A new Student role and someday soon, I will be a wage-earner once again in a new role.


And now I will learn to have my life back as my own as I once learned to make it theirs.

Keep on keepin as they say.

Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal. John F. Kennedy

My heart goes out to those facing the wrath of Hurricane Irene. It seems it was not as bad as feared and the casualties are low. However there were some casualties and that is more than you hope for.
There will also be possibly months of clean up following the storms. Thank goodness she decided to rear her head in fair weather rather than the dead of winter.
If you are in the area, I wish you well.

We were expecting our own storm (much smaller of course) here on the home base. My best friend was celebrating a milestone birthday and as we are both low on funding these days, decided on a day at the lake about a mile from her home.

A beautiful day and a much needed break. Fresh air, friends and nothing to do but enjoy the day.

It was a bit warm and we ended up swimming with the fishes. riding in the boat and just enjoying the sunshine.
Those are the times when you know things have to turn out ok. A great chance to breathe the fresh air, enjoy others company, soak in some Vitamin D from the sun and just let the worries leave your mind for a day.

And that is exactly what we did.
My daughter had to work and came up late in the day. She got her hair cut short and she looks fabulous. But then, I am biased and could never see any of my kids not looking fabulous.

Rounded out the day falling into bed a little early. Absolutely exhausted. Only to be woken up an hour later by my frightened dog. The storm we had expected earlier had hit and the thunder was too much for her. After approximately an hour of dog wrestling in my bed, I drifted off again.

Followed by the strangest dream I have had in a long time. I do not usually remember my dreams. This one had a lot to do with my ex husband and his taking over in my life. I literally woke up confused. He is a very small part of my life and has been for a long time. So I really don't understand the meaning of this dream... if there is one.

However, this Sunday morning, coffee and computer in hand, I am relaxed and hopeful. The air is fresh and clear from the late night storm, my mind is clear also. Ready to take on another week...please let it come with a job offer.... a PAYING job offer.

She's Gonna Make it After All

First week in college for my baby and she is doing fine.

Still looking for a part-time job for monthly utilities and essentials but no panic attacks yet.

As a recent student myself, I realize that the bulk of the work does not come in the first week. However, she has made good friends and seems compatible with her two roomies. She has completed her coursework and even worked a little ahead. She has walked the campus and is aware of those offices which will offer her the aid she will require.

And- she is happy. She loves it there.

Thank goodness for social media sites such as Facebook and for cell phones. We have been in touch often.

That eases my mind quite a bit.

This house? It is definitely empty. My older daughter is here although she works and has her own agenda and activities.

I even went on a date. It was more for fun and to get out of the house than a date that might go somewhere.. he is MUCH too young for me. But it was nice to get out and just let loose for a night.

 "The times they are a Changin'.

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. ~Ashleigh Brilliant

I come from a very close knit family. My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and sister were always within a short drive. Many holidays were spent with large groups of extended family from summer picnics to Christmas Eve dinners. I have passed this on to my own children and attempt to keep the family tight for them

However, after losing my maternal grandmother while in her forties, very near the age I am now. And also the loss of my paternal Grandfather who committed suicide in his fifties and before I entered this world, leaves empty emotions and questions about those relatives I barely knew.

As I get older and my children are turning into adults themselves, I've become more curious about the past I know little about. I am the youngest child of two and don't remember a lot of the things my sister is old enough to remember. Both of my parents have wonderful memories in grand detail.

It is rare that we are out with my mother, sometimes in cities far from home when my mother doesn't see someone she knows. Is it because she knows a lot of people? Perhaps, she is a very sweet socialite. Or is it that she just remembers better? When our memories do not grasp the past as well as we would like, do we walk right past those we know from our past not realizing? I believe there is some truth to that. My mother seems to be in tune with those from her past.

I find myself asking my parents a lot more about the past. I find myself more curious about where I came from. I lost my paternal grandmother when I was still young. Pregnant with my second child at her funeral I was just 20. Busy with my life as a new bride, husband overseas serving in Desert Storm. I had plenty going on and way too young to care or take the time to ask about my grandmothers youth. And now I wish I had.

My grandparents and my parents are luckily slight hoarders. They don't like to throw away memories. And I love them for it. Between my mothers mothers hope chest full of memories, my dads moms hope chest and so many other boxes filled with pictures and letters encapsulating the past. I have much to learn.

A few years ago my parents moved from the house of my youth. We cleared, packed, sorted, and moved 20+ years worth of stuff. In the back recesses of their basement were boxes from my grandmothers house. Old memories perhaps too packed with emotion to be sorted at the time of her death.

In one of the boxes, hidden buried in some old dance cards, photographs and report cards were two small leather bound treasures. One a tiny ring binder no larger than a wallet, my grandfathers journal. The other a small leather diary complete with locking clasp. My grandmothers journal.

I have read them once before, just after my parents move. Each ends with a proposal and a marriage. The coming together of my own paternal grandparents. A glimpse into their dating and falling in love.

On our last trip south to drop off my youngest at school, I picked up the journals once again from my dad. I am reading them again. I am recording them into digital format so that I may share with other family more easily. I also found some old letters. A small glimpse into my own fathers youth.

I am more and more curious. I hope to get a lot of information in the near future. While it is still available.
I live in a Genealogically rich state. There is access to research already completed for me. But there is more to family than dates of birth or death. There is more to my heritage than who we came from but who those people WERE that we came from.
I hope I can answer some questions and discover more about those who came before me.
I am excited to live a little in the past, learn from it and pass it on to my own children.